One of the thing my years of study on abusive relationships has taught me is that many times, victims of abuse trap themselves in their destructive relationships because they try too hard to understand. An example of this comes in some correspondence I recently received:
“My boyfriend and I have lived together for nearly 5 years. He doesn’t fit the accepted profile of an “abuser.” He isn’t jealous and doesn’t seek to isolate me or control my money. Still, he is verbally insulting to me, and his temper is genuinely terrifying (he frequently throws/smashes things). He hit me once, and I called the police. To this day, he says I’m to blame for the whole episode. He’s aggressive to others, as well and he never apologizes, or sees fault in his behavior. He is manipulative and criticizes any emotions I dare show as a sign of my own weakness. I often don’t tell him how I really feel to avoid argument or being put down.
My boyfriend also has alcohol abuse problems that have nearly cost him his job. When he is drunk he is usually even more aggressive and not just toward me. Most of the time, I walk on eggshells, trying not to upset him. He is extremely impulsive, but that has a positive side. He is a genuine wit; very creative; and occasionally brilliantly insightful (others share this view). I believe that if he disciplined himself, he could be a successful writer. It’s occurred to me that he might be bipolar, or suffer from adult ADHD. He is hostile to the idea of therapy, however. I’ve read a load of self-help books on abuse, alcoholism. He doesn’t seem to fit any of these profiles, exactly. His various struggles make it difficult for me to write him off in black and white terms. I don’t feel I can end the relationship, but I’m having trouble thinking about it with any clarity. I need to decide whether to end this and build my life in earnest, or stay and try to help make things better.
I wish I could say that the example above represents a rare circumstance. In fact, it’s an all too common scenario. Victims in abusive relationships will often try so hard to understand (it’s part of their neurosis) that the end up enabling all sorts of destructive behavior and entrapping themselves further in a no-win situation. Here is my response:
You might have read a lot of self-help books, but I’m fairly certain you haven’t read my first book In Sheep’s Clothing (which has been recently revised) or my new book Character Disturbance (now available for advance orders from Amazon!). I’m fairly certain of this because both books not only account for your boyfriend’s behavioral profile, but also your pattern of putting yourself in positions that further erode your already damaged sense of self-worth. Both books emphasize how self-defeating it can be to try far too hard to “understand” as opposed to finding and standing on principles necessary to foster healthy relationships.
Your boyfriend alone is responsible for his behavior and the fact that he is unwilling to seek help to correct it speaks volumes about his character and the likely future of your relationship. And the fact that you’ve tolerated what you have in an effort to better “understand” (despite the insight you already have is a reflection of your own misplaced priorities. Neither party in an abusive relationship ever finds the motivation to change the status quo unless the principles of responsible behavior take precedence over understanding. Best advice: Stop musing about possible explanations and start enforcing limits and boundaries.
Fantastic example – this is a valuable insight. I think I recently started “getting” this, that I’m not going to make a difference in my narcissistic mother’s behavior by understanding it – I can only understand myself fully and act according to my highest values. I can only decide what I will or will not do, what I will or will not tolerate. I really appreciate your work, and I’m looking forward to your new book – not too long now!
Best Regards,
upsi
You are completely overlooking the fact that there is perpetrator involved in this dynamic, who often is so manipulative and controlling that the victim can feel confused and brainwashed.
You are perpetuating the myth that abused women are responsible for the abuser’s behavior.
The purpose of this article was to promote personal empowerment, purely and simply. In my book, I take great pains in 14 different places to reinforce the notions that not only is the perpetrator totally responsible for their behavior but also that the “weapons” of psychological warfare they use are extremely effective, which is why they use them. I also make this very point in no fewer than 100 blog posts. That said, one of the main vulnerabilities all irresponsible personalities exploit is the tendency of most conscientious folks to try very hard to understand as opposed to just holding people accountable and setting limits. They do this because of the misconception that the perpetrator might not fully understand what they’re doing or the harm it causes – a misconception all long reinforced by some of our most prevalent traditional psychology models. And, because any person only has power over their own behavior, resisting the temptation to understand too much is a means of personal empowerment, lessening the possibility of depression (which is often caused by putting energy into something you can’t control) and removing one more wrench in the manipulation toolbox of the defective character.
I hope and pray that this is what Upsi is realizing here, and from all that she says, I think that’s the likely case. If not, I hope this comment clarifies. Thanks for submitting it. Others might have misunderstood as well. And we certainly don’t want to perpetuate misconceptions and erroneous beliefs (which, BTW, are very different from “myths”).
I am glad to hear that you have gotten your wake up call. Although it’s a hard thing to do, everybody has to come in terms with their parents, themselves and nature (God) at some point or the other.
I want share a couple of things in regards to narcissist.
Narcissist I find are one of the probably nastiest people to deal with. Narcassistic parents will usually completelly “run over their whole family”. In a narcassistic marrage, a spouse is prone to becoming completely depressed. Children will often blame the “depressed” parent, while the narcissist will carefully be playing the con game, allowing children to do the battelling the other parent, further causing the depression in the partner’s party! Plese note how a narcassist will careful hide, even behind the backs of children and allow them to do the dirty fighting for them!
With narcissists and other aggressive personality, personally I have found it, if you try to stay, inevetably you will only get run right over by their aggression. Often people who stay “loyal” to them, become nothing more than them. Eventually they become what they have detested the most, be it children or partners.
Narcissists often completelly and abruptly “run over” anything and anybody that is in their surrounding, so I wish to tell you as a survivor of a similar experice as bluntly as I can: “If you don’t get away from her, you are in definite risk of getting run by her”. You will eventually lose your energy, your spirit, thereby allowing her demonic possesion to take over. If you do not take the time to develop your own character, it will become “possesed by hers”. Choice is up to you.
I also want to note here to you, also that I am more than sure that your mother has placed more than enough “traps”, trauma’s, sagging pethetic guilt trips, that will be drowning your spirit and soul like a dragging corpse feeding off your body and spirit. Yeah, it’s like that!
You must know that you will have to face yourself in terms of this. You must take these “blockage leavers” and face them 1 by one. Combat the bullshit, and put it asside. Try to see if you are responsible for the consequences that they have “programmed you to believe that will occur as the result of leaving”
“Ex-handlers” impose a very traumatic ideas in “heads of the victims” that if they leave, “their” life is at stake. Bullshit goes even to this level that you are responsible for “their life”. Aboslutelly and abruptly UNTRUE. Every individual (unless a minor) is responsible for themselves, and will be answering to choices they make.
BTW, this person is alive today, and doing more than well for themselves.
So, remember, face bullshit, fight it head on, and put it in the place where it belongs.
Also with narcissist, even though you can point out this kind of behaviour, coming from a personal experience, I can say that it will not do probably “fuck-all for them”. The book, the blog, and all the rest in my opinion were made for people suffering as victems of this, to see and realize what these people are doing, and what they are truly like. The choice of what to do is up to each and every individual as each and every individual is unique, their story, and the level of “disorderdness” of their “manipulator”.
With narcassistic parents, I also understand it’s very difficult. The years of training that they do, conditioning, that when you become adult, in order to change, you almost must cast your “old self” completely away! It takes an entire change of character!!! Mine for instance, for years, awarded me every time I gave up my wishes, my personal time, space, goals, whatever whatever and did what they want. Every time I chose myself, my character I was punished!!! Note the Pavlov’s operant conditioning in this!!!
Narcassists always put their needs first, and fail to act responsibly as “parents”. In later life be ready for bullshit excuses such as: “You will only understand when you have your own children! It’s the most unthankful task alive (please note here that they are literally detesting me as a child!), and we only tried to do our ‘best’!”. To that complete evasion of responsibility, as you can see, they have formed careful ego defences for themselves furtherby “enabling and allowing themselves to do further damage!”
Well all I can say is that, if they were not ready to take on the responsiblity (good and the bad) of becoming a parent, perhaps they should have not made such a choice. Do I really care any more to explain this to them, ABSOLUTELLY NOT! Will I take on the responsibility of their parents, ABSOLUTELLY NOT! Guess what, I HAVE NO CHILDREN, AS I HAVE NOT REPRODUCED! and most certainly, I don’t plan to play, act or be a psychologist (for which I am not), parent, or anything similar to that.
Thing you will have to face is that they will pull bullshit after bullshit time after time. the thing you have to ask yourself is will you react to this?
My mom will take trips out of nowhere for 2 months, and write me a sweet little message even though I have no contact with them, “I totally miss you and love you, I hope you will take care of your father when I’m gone, CCC Ya, Muah Muah!”
Riiiight, well his wee-wee she will have to pamper, since I am not the one who married him, and most certainly do not plan to act as his Wife. And he as a brave man will have to stop hiding behind “Women’s skirts!”
So expect things like this, careful casting and positioning you in places and roles of which you do not belong. When somebody tries to put you in this position, absolute clear questioning is necessary, such as:
1. Did I get married? (no) Am I going to act like a wife (no)
2. Am I a certified psychologist (no). Am I gonna act as one (most certainly not! knowledge is available to everybody, everybody can get educated at least at this day and age, but the problem is that they take no effort to do so, to which also, they will have to face the consequences and not me).
3. Am I a parent. (no) Do I plan to “parent my parents??” (note how redicilous this sounds!!!) Absolutelly not! Am I responsible for failures of my grandparents (not one last bit).
So careful questioning, strict and clear in these cases is required.
With narcassistic parents, I do want to extend my “sorrow for you” as it is an extremely hard. They drain you emotionally/physically and spiritually, you know why? BECAUSE THEY ARE EMPTY!!! Some people lack food, some people lack this and that, and NARCASSISTS LACK SOUL!!! Try to think of it as a starving person. They will literally “die” unless they “feed”. They are an extreme form of “emotional vampires”.
The second you don’t allow them to “feed” and society and their environment all together, “narcassist will die”, and be “reborn” as a whole “new character”.
Remember in the book how Dr. Simon relates 4 different spectrums of personality, one of the marks are introverted and extroverted. These individuals are primarily extroverted and get all their power energy from outside sources ONLY.
Anyways, this blog has gotten far too long.
I am sorry to hear about your misfortune, for truly parents and children cannot be chosen. We can change husbands, boyfriends, friends, but parents and children we cannot.
Also, please note, that “forgiveness” is completely and uterly “unnecessary” all together, as it is the as I would say “traditional and errounious form of repetitive brainwashing redicilous thinking”!!!
You can understand what your mother is, you can accept her as the person she is, but that does not mean you should accept her in your life!!!
This thereby will allow her to do further damage.
I for instance absolutelly am aware first of, the person that I am, the person that they are, I accept the fact that they are like that, but I do not accept them in my life. Any time I have allowed them back in my life, they have only caused “damage”.
I have clearly defined and stated that “if they want entry in my life, they will first off have to remove the damage that they have done, and will have to change the people they are”, and I clearly stated, that as a consequence if they do not do this, they will loose their daughter (pretty serious consequence)!
This they have taken completely lightly, and “slowed down my progression by” carefully asking me “what they have done?” as they seem to be “completelly unaware” (to this I absolutelly adore Dr. Simon and his quote: “They can see, they just DISSAGREE!” The whole thing consisted of careful evasion, rationalization, with a combination of “self-victimizations”, “guilt-trips”, “casting further negative energy”, labelling me as the “bad person who would detest their parents, for they will never commit such a horrible crime”.
That’s cool, that is their choice, I choose mine. I choose not to accept them in my life as it only causes further damage. Do I really care to point out the obvious to them, ABSOLUTELLY NOT! Do I care for their eveasions of responsibility, HELL NO! Do I care for their “guilt trips” EVEN LESS.
They have been given a choice, they chose to “not change” over their “daughter”. Do I feel as “less of a person” because of this, “HELL NO!” Do I equate this as: “Mommy and Dady didn’t love me”, perhaps, but that does not take away from the fact that “I deserve to be loved”, first of from me, and then the rest of the world.
So they don’t care about me, I don’t care about them. They have been given numerous chances of “change” which they failed to take, and right now, I WILL NOT GIVE THEM NOT EVEN ONE MORE! For if they change or not, it really doesn’t take back “the damage that they have done”, that usually “victims are left to weed out by themselves”.
Anyways, good luck again. I believe that you are a strong person, who posseses the capability to face the situation head on, battle 1 thing after another with tools provided that Dr. Simon and many others have so elequently exposed! I cannot say enough how drop dead gorgeous his work is that he has done, and continues to do, and will do in the future.
Dr. Simon, thank you for being the pioneer that you are, thank you for facing “traditional psychology”, I admire your courage of going against it, and developing your own insigth!!! In medical industry, extreme politics are usually played in terms of what kind of material gets “published”, usually psychologist with “connections” get way “ahead” than psychologists that actually have something “meaningfull to say”, and usually is very hard to “buy-pass” medical “standards board”, for they only publish usually the “traditional ways of brain-washing”!
So I most utterly and sincerely I appreciate the courage, confidence and stand you have taken to not to go with the “flow”! You trully are, not only an obviously brilliant, but a life role model.
Best regards,
J
Most dearly, thank you!
Dr. Simon,
I’ve enjoyed reading your work and particularly agree with your insight that covert aggressives are not hurting inside. After 22 years of marriage (yes, I has taken me this long!), I’m beginning to realize that Mr. treehouse could be described as “character disordered.” He is always, and I mean *always* nice, and yet, he’s always trying to get his way. All he wants to do is please me, I am the sexiest, best woman alive (according to him, of course), I am brilliant. And yet somehow everything always works to *his* advantage. (If I don’t think something is for me, it’s because he knows me so much better than I do (supposedly), or because it will be for me in the long run, or some other such thing). Recently, he has been pressuring me into have sex every day (or more often), even when I’m having physical problems (infections). I tried to reason with him, but he wouln’t drop the “it’s just because I love you” line. I asked him how he could possibly maintain that when I am actually getting sick from his behavior, and he finally said that he simply does not want to believe that this is the case. In other words, when things are not going his way, he simply invents reality the reality he wants. I’ve even seen him flaty deny a plain physical fact (saying that there is no water coming out of a faucet, when we are standing in front of it and indeed there is a stream of water coming out of the thing). So, you are right: there’s nothing to understand. The behavior just doesn’t make sense from a normal perspective. The only thing that works, I find, is drawing a line in the sand — setting boundaries and enforcing them. In the recent sex/infection problem, decding to see a therapist and threatening to leave the marriage was enough to stop the harassment. But the pattern is still there ….
I bet he’s told you, “Oh no, you won’t like (fill in the blank, that color, that brand, that style, etc) when you say you want something, and you end up buying what HE wants! I’ve gotten to the point of saying, “Don’t tell me what I want or like” and it gets turned around that he’s looking out for my best interests, or he knows more about the product, or whatever, and I turn out to be the bad guy in some sort of argument! Still, what I WANT becomes secondary – again!!
Thanks. I appreciate your endorsement of my work. Advance orders for the new one can be placed in just one week with Amazon.
Spending no time or energy in areas of your life where you have no control is not only empowering but also an antidote for the depression that typically ensues when someone tries far too hard to understand and make things work.
Lesson well learned.
Great comment. And the pattern is likely to remain on his part but that doesn’t mean you can’t really turn around any self-defeating pattern on your part. Remember, setting the “terms of engagement” is not only your right but responsibility. Disturbed characters can’t be trusted to set the right rules.
I have only good things to say about your first book, “In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People”, Dr. Simon. I first read an online excerpt from it about 10 years ago, and then ordered it shortly thereafter. Even then, you gave me so much insight into the character and tactics of covertly-aggressive personalities. It was really refreshing for me to get a name to some of the tactics manipulators use, and even more so for me to see clearly how people I encounter in my life fit those descriptions. I will admit that from time to time, I am guilty of using the tactics to try to manipulate a person or situation, particularly with my own parents. But I think they see right through me, as do I ultimately. It really has to do with someone’s behavior pattern over time, and how consistent it is across many domains and situations that speaks volumes about his or her character. At almost 30 years old, I still have a lot to learn about people and myself and why we do the things we do, as well as how to change. But I think that everyday is a new day and we learn from our mistakes how to recognize and see people and ourselves for what we really are! Keep on writing!
Thank you for your kind words and endorsement of my work.
I’m guilty of “trying too hard to understand”. Abuse comes in all forms. My stepson started with silly arguments about comments I made, then insults, belittlements, and finally to yelling at me and saying some of the cruelest things imaginable. This is not a child, but a grown man with 2 childrens of his own! After his last outburst, which left me in tears (and on the verge of an anxiety attack), my husband told me to “get over it”.
My husband always felt compelled to take care of this boy, told me that he’s suffereing self-esteem problems (what a load!) and has set him up in a career in the small company he owns/runs. I swallowed this message, and even got to a pt of feeling sorry for the poor, under-educated, “Won’t get ahead without my help” s/s. Needless to say, the abuse level from s/s just escalated.
After the last outburst from s/s, when I was feeling my lowest and ready to leave my marriage, I stumbled upon your book. Now I understand that I just gave the s/s fuel to make my life miserable. My reactions to him has changed, mostly because I now know that he has a personality disorder and that I’ve been just giving him fuel to abuse me!
Thank you for helping me!
I look forward to reading your new book!