I’ve been getting more mail than usual lately from across the globe from people who have found my book In Sheep’s Clothing, workshops I have done, this blog, other blogs for which I write helpful to them in understanding some of the difficult characters they’ve had to deal with in their lives.  As always, this kind of feedback is both edifying as well as informative.  One dedicated woman in Sweden used her experience... 

When you confront a manipulator or any disturbed character about their behavior, they will often attempt to sidestep the issue or to avoid the subject altogether.  They want to keep the spotlight off their problematic behaviors.  They also don’t want their true character to be exposed or to be put on the spot (i.e. caught momentarily without a good offensive strategy for taking advantage of another).  So, they are quick to dodge... 

Manipulators and other disturbed characters use a variety of tactics to control and manipulate others.  I’ve been posting on some of these in the past few weeks.  But in this post, I wanted to outline some of the main reasons why manipulation tactics work.  I also wanted to speak to issues about how people get themselves trapped in situations in which disordered characters of all types manipulate, abuse, or exploit them.   I’ve... 

Manipulators and other disturbed characters sometimes like to openly threaten or brow-beat someone else into giving-up or giving-in to their demands.   They like to terrorize others into submission.  They use fear as a weapon, whether it’s fear of the known or unknown.  People in relationships with disturbed characters are generally familiar with their track record of behavior, thus they know what the disturbed character is not... 

The most severely disordered characters will often make direct threats or even carry them out as a way of keeping others in line.  Skilled manipulators, however, are expert at making more subtle, implied or veiled threats to intimidate others into seeing or doing things their way.  Sometimes a veiled threat can be no more than a particular “look” or a glance.  Sometimes it’s imbedded not so much in what someone says or... 

The disturbed character is forever trying to trivialize important matters.  He tries to convince folks that the wrongful thing he did wasn’t really that bad or harmful.  He might admit part of what he did wrong, but usually not the most serious part.  Disordered characters use the tactic of minimizing to manage the impression others have of them.  It’s a way to manipulate others into thinking they’re not so bad despite... 

“Denial” has traditionally been conceptualized as an ego defense mechanism.  In other words, it’s been presumed that when a person denies the reality of a situation, they do so unconsciously because the reality is simply too painful to bear.  But when disturbed characters engage in denial, they’re generally not in a state of psychological unawareness prompted by a deep inner pain about who they are or what they have... 

Disordered characters are forever blaming their misbehavior on someone or something else, and skilled manipulators can make you think that somehow it’s your fault that they did whatever they did to hurt you.  Confront them on how hurtful it was that they cheated on you and they will blame your lack of attentiveness, your failure to be avaiable and responsive whenever they felt in the mood, etc.  Confront them on their lack of... 

Manipulators always have an answer for the hurtful things they do.  No matter what you confront them about, they’ll offer an excuse that seems to justify their behavior.  When manipulators rationalize, it’s not the same as when a person of generally good conscience tries to assuage that conscience by finding reasons to think what they did wasn’t really that bad when they’ve done something wrong.  Rather, when... 

Like most disturbed characters, manipulators are skilled liars.  Most people, however can’t understand why such people lie so much, especially when it seems to serve no purpose.  Some have even referred to repeat bashers of the truth as “pathological liars,” presuming that they have some kind of mental illness that makes them want to lie even when there doesn’t appear to be good reason to do it.  Disordered characters...