Now you can finally learn the truth about the manipulative, aggressive, narcissistic, and other responsibility-challenged people in your life.  These are the people who are content with themselves but who make everyone around them miserable.  After several unavoidable delays, orders can now be placed for Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of our Age.

The international success of my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing:  Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People, told me that people were hungry for understanding not only about manipulators, but also about all the problem characters in their lives.  In Character Disturbance, I present a framework by which almost anyone can understand all the major personality types, what makes them the way they are, how they think, how they conduct their relations with others, and what a reasonable person has to do to avoid being abused or exploited by life’s most unsavory characters.  I even give examples of therapeutic encounters with such types to illustrate the futility of traditional intervention methods and what really has to happen to make a difference in the disturbed character’s modus operandi.

Advance orders for the book should be filled in a couple of weeks.  So order early because demand will be high.

“My boyfriend and I have lived together for nearly 5 years. He doesn’t fit the accepted profile of an “abuser.”  He isn’t jealous and doesn’t seek to isolate me or control my money.  Still, he is verbally insulting to me, and his temper is genuinely terrifying (he frequently throws/smashes things).  He hit me once, and I called the police.  To this day, he says I’m to blame for the whole episode. He’s aggressive to others, as well and he never apologizes, or sees fault in his behavior. He is manipulative and criticizes any emotions I dare show as a sign of my own weakness. I often don’t tell him how I really feel to avoid argument or being put down.

My boyfriend also has alcohol abuse problems that have nearly cost him his job. When he is drunk he is usually even more aggressive and not just toward me. Most of the time, I walk on eggshells, trying not to upset him.  He is extremely impulsive, but that has a positive side.  He is a genuine wit; very creative; and occasionally brilliantly insightful (others share this view).  I believe that if he disciplined himself, he could be a successful writer. It’s occurred to me that he might be bipolar, or suffer from adult ADHD. He is hostile to the idea of therapy, however.  I’ve read a load of self-help books on abuse, alcoholism. He doesn’t seem to fit any of these profiles, exactly. His various struggles make it difficult for me to write him off in black and white terms. I don’t feel I can end the relationship, but I’m having trouble thinking about it with any clarity. I need to decide whether to end this and build my life in earnest, or stay and try to help make things better.

I wish I could say that the example above represents a rare circumstance.  In fact, it’s an all too common scenario.  Victims in abusive relationships will often try so hard to understand (it’s part of their neurosis) that the end up enabling all sorts of destructive behavior and entrapping themselves further in a no-win situation.  Here is my response:

You might have read a lot of self-help books, but I’m fairly certain you haven’t read my first book In Sheep’s Clothing (which has been recently revised) or my new book Character Disturbance (now available for advance orders from Amazon!).  I’m fairly certain of this because both books not only account for your boyfriend’s behavioral profile, but also your pattern of putting yourself in positions that further erode your already damaged sense of self-worth.  Both books emphasize how self-defeating it can be to try far too hard to “understand” as opposed to finding and standing on principles necessary to foster healthy relationships.

Your boyfriend alone is responsible for his behavior and the fact that he is unwilling to seek help to correct it speaks volumes about his character and the likely future of your relationship. And the fact that you’ve tolerated what you have in an effort to better “understand” (despite the insight you already have is a reflection of your own misplaced priorities.  Neither party in an abusive relationship ever finds the motivation to change the status quo unless the principles of responsible behavior take precedence over understanding. Best advice:  Stop musing about possible explanations and start enforcing limits and boundaries.

Having given literally hundreds of workshops on the topic of character disturbance, my audiences (helping professionals and lay persons alike) always seem to want to know how the various disturbed characters came to be the way they are and what can be done to help them change. I get similar questions from readers of my writings and blog articles as well.

You can boil down many of the underlying assumptions of traditional schools of psychological thought about how people become disturbed and how you help them heal in this way: People are inherently good and geared toward health. They become unhealthy because bad or “traumatic” things happen to them. They develop fears and insecurities as a result of the trauma they experience and learn to cope in less than optimal ways. With unconditional positive regard, empathy, and support, they can heal their wounds, overcome their fears, and become naturally inclined once again to lead healthy, loving, compassionate lives.

Some schools of philosophical and religious thought adopt an opposing view: Man is basically a “fallen” or evil creature, inherently defective. Without sufficient guidance from a higher power, and left to his own devices, man will naturally tend to descend into all types of decadence, indecency and depravity. His greatest need is to be “saved,” especially from himself.

There is also the “nature vs. nurture” argument. For a long time, behavioral scientists argued that we’d all be the same were it not for the fact that we are subjected to very different environmental influences and contingencies. But these days there is plenty of evidence that certain behavioral tendencies are strongly influenced by genetic, temperamental, and other constitutional factors.

As is almost always the case, it appears the truth about human nature lies somewhere in the middle of the various extremes expressed above. Man is neither inherently good nor evil. And he is neither at the mercy of his genes and biochemistry nor is he a mere robot, fated to behave solely as his environment has programmed him to act. He is also not inherently defective. And although he’s basically an animal endowed by nature with some very primitive instincts, he has the remarkable capacity to learn and grow in awareness, which makes it possible for him to become ever so much more than a mere animal. That’s what the processes of socialization and character development are all about. And it’s a difficult, painful, complex, and generally life-long process.

In my book In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon], I define the process of character development this way:

Character-building is the lifelong process by which we instill self-discipline and develop the capacities to live responsibly among others, to do productive work, and above all, to love. …[And] loving is not a feeling, an art, or a state of mind. It’s a behavior, and precisely the behavior to which the two Great Commandments exhort us to commit ourselves.

Similarly, I define a philosophy for responsible living:

Even though a person might begin life as a prisoner of the natural endowments he was given and the circumstances under which he was raised, he cannot remain a “victim” of his environment forever. Eventually, every person must come to terms with him or herself. To know oneself, to fairly judge one’s strengths and weaknesses, and to attain true mastery over one’s most basic instincts and inclinations are among life’s greatest challenges. But ultimately, anyone’s rise to a life of integrity and merit can only come as the result of a full self-awakening. A person must come to know himself as well as others without deceit or denial. He must honestly face and reckon with all aspects of his character. Only then can he freely take on the burden of disciplining himself for the sake of himself as well as for the sake of others. It is the free choice to take up this burden or “cross” that defines love. And it is the willingness and commitment of a person to carry this cross even to death that opens the door to a higher plane of existence.

In my forthcoming book, Disturbances of Character, I make the point that “ours is an extremely interconnected and interdependent world,” and as such the need for people of sound character could not possibly be greater. I also note that “my personal mission for the last several years has been to call attention to the significant social problem (of character disturbance) and to inspire people to address and overcome it.” And in one chapter of the book, for the first time I offer some core principles for successfully guiding people (especially children) through the process of socialization and character development. I’ve already posted one article on one of the “ten commandments of character” [See: The Ten Commandments of Character] I discuss in my new book.  I’ll be posting some articles on other of these “commandments” in upcoming posts and hope they will spur a robust and fruitful discussion.

Here’s a brief, edited portion of one of the commandments excepted from the book:

You are neither an insignificant speck nor are you so precious or essential to the universe that it simply cannot do without you. Know where you fit in the grand scheme of things and keep a balanced perspective on your sense of worth. Thinking too much of yourself is as dangerous as thinking too little of yourself. Do not dismiss your accomplishments, but don’t laud yourself or lord over others any position or good fortune you’ve managed to secure. Avoid pretense. Keeping a balanced sense of self and being genuine will help you stay humble and avoid false pride.

Remember, you are not synonymous with your talents, abilities, or physical attributes. They are all endowments (i.e. fortunate accidents of nature, “gifts” of God, the universe) entrusted to you. Recognize where things really come from and give credit and recognition where credit and recognition are truly due. Who you are and how you are defined as a character are in large measure determined by what you do with what you’ve been given. The credit for your life and innate capabilities belongs to nature or, ultimately the creative force behind nature. The credit for what you do with all you’ve been given goes to you. This is the essence of merit. Honor the life force within you as well as all who might have nurtured your potential by using your gifts for the good of all. It’s not so much the outcome of your actions that matters either, for that’s also not entirely in your hands. It’s the effort you make that matters most. Judge yourself on your merits. Having appropriate reverence for what you’ve been given and honoring the creative force through your actions is the essence of both genuine humility and healthy self-respect.

Character Disturbance is the culmination of years of working with irresponsible individuals and those in relationships with them.  In the coming weeks, I’ll be posting other excerpts in advance of the book’s wide release this summer.

I read your book In Sheep’s Clothing for the first time and really liked it.  I am also happy to say that I have found your website and other blogs that feature your work and have read many of your articles.

I recognize myself as a kind of “neurotic” person like you describe and the man I’m dating as a disturbed character.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t until I started knowing him better that I realized something wasn’t quite right. But, as I hadn’t been in a similar situation before and with him being a very smart person, it was hard for me to see things clearly.

Now after reading your book and postings I have finally understood what the source of trouble was - his irresponsible, narcissistic, hedonistic self - all expressions of his underdeveloped character. I was just wondering what the treatment is if any? I’ve read here that such people (I think they are categorized as Cluster B) don’t usually change.  Is there any hope for these types of people?

Letters like this one and comments over the years from folks at workshops prompted me to write my latest book, Character Disturbance, which is set for wide release by Parkhurst Brothers at the end of July.  In this book, I address what it takes to make changes in persons with underdeveloped character.  Contrary to popular belief, the situation with disturbed characters is not hopeless.  What is hopeless as well as pointless is trying to relate to or intervene with such folks through traditional techniques and methods.  Traditional methods focus on feelings, unresolved emotional conflicts, and most especially, things hidden from consciousness.  Traditional methods also also try to give a person insight they don’t have into problems as the principal way of solving them.  But disturbed characters are already aware of the bad things they do.  They’re aware but don’t care.  They like the way they do things, even if others don’t.  And their feelings are not at the root of problems.  Instead, their distorted way of thinking about things and their irresponsible habitual behaviors are the culprits.  So, dealing with disturbed characters effectively requires a completely different strategy from traditional methods.  In Character Disturbance, I present some vignettes that clearly illustrate the different approach that needs to be taken.

NOTE:  WEB LINKS TO THE ONLINE SELLERS FOR BOTH IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING AND CHARACTER DISTURBANCE MIGHT BE A BIT PROBLEMATIC DURING THE “CHANGEOVER” TO THE MOST RECENT EDITION AND PUBLISHER.  ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE LATEST EDITION FROM THE CURRENT PUBLISHER, PARKHURST BROTHERS.

I am in love with someone I believe must be a “commitment phobic.” I am not a psychologist nor am I in the medical field. But when my boyfriend flipped out on me for no apparent reason, I knew something must be wrong with him.

My boyfriend always wears sunglasses and has about ten pairs of them. He won’t even go into certain establishments with out them, even if wearing sunglasses is prohibited. I believe he must do this because he is afraid to make direct eye contact with people. He also avoids certain social situations, so perhaps he is socially phobic as well. I think he must be uncomfortable in a group of people he doesn’t know.

Now, my boyfriend has, on many occasions, especially while under the influence, told me that he loves me and wants to marry me. Yet, when I remind him, of this and suggest that we actually do it, he becomes angry.  He says things to insult me and hurt my feelings.  I don’t understand this because he can be so sweet, caring and playful. It’s really confusing. Every time we start to get close, he sabotages it. I believe what he does and not what he says, so I don’t let the things that he says bother me so much. However, I also believe that I am letting him take control of my life. I thought it out and have decided to confront him with what I believe his problem is. I feel if I tell him that I know he’s being mean to me because of his underlying fears and insecurities, perhaps I can take the control away and he’ll stop because he’ll know that it’s not affecting me. But then again I fear that it might make him go deeper into his shell and never speak to me again. That’s where I need your advice. Do you think that I should tell him?

I replied in the following manner:

One of the tools of personal empowerment I’ve written about in prior posts and which is expounded upon in my book In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US is to judge actions, not Intentions. You need to be really cautious about making interpretations about what you think have to be the “underlying reasons” for your boyfriend’s inappropriate behavior. You have already conjectured that your boyfriend has a fear or “phobia” of commitment that causes him to “sabotage” things when you start to “get close.” Such presumptions and interpretations have often been among the reasons people allowed themselves to enter or stay in abusive relationships. But in fact there numerous other reasons that can prompt an individual to behave in an abusive, narcissistic and exploitive manner, not all of which are rooted in insecurity or fear.  Instead of kidding yourself and maintaining the “illusion” of control by thinking you have the power to know and expose your partner’s motives and therefore take away his “reasons” for his dysfunctional behavior, take actual control of your own life by setting limits, expectations, enforcing boundaries, and most especially by paying attention to people’s behavior as the best predictor of what they will do in the future.

In my soon to be released book, Character Disturbance, I explain how some of the most commonly accepted perspectives on human behavior actually set people up for victimization in their relationships.  The book is set for wide release by Parkhurst Brothers at the end of July.

I have only recently realized that my elderly father is a covert-aggressive personality.  I spent so many years hating myself and feeling that others didn’t like me, including family members.  Knowing how I’d been duped has been a really hard realization to come to.  I always thought I had the “Leave it to Beaver life” yet I was never happy.  But I thought it was me, or my mother, or anyone but my Dad who was the problem.  Somehow, he always came out “smelling like a rose”.  I almost divorced my husband because of him and his manipulations.   When my Mom died, my Dad wanted me and wanted my husband gone from his life.  I spent many sleepless nights trying to figure all this out and I’m not sure I understand it completely even now.  I have to read and re-read Dr. Simon’s book to remind me what has happened to me and how it happened.  I know the truth about him now, yet I find it easy to blame myself.  My question is, if I confront a my Dad, covert aggressive personality that he is, with the facts as outlined in Dr. Simon’s book, would he see himself?  Would he know that I’ve “got it” with respect to what he’s really like or would he look at me like I’m crazy?

Perhaps this woman did not read or possibly didn’t understand some points I made in my book In Sheep’s Clothing about covert-aggressive personalities generally being much more character-disturbed than neurotic and how different disturbed characters are from neurotics with respect to the level of insight they have about themselves.  So, in part I replied this way:

If your dad is the kind of personality I describe in my book, the likelihood is that he already sees himself just fine.  And, if he looks at you like you’re crazy when you confront him, it’s more than likely a tactic to keep you under control.  So, it’s far more important that resist trying to get him to see things and simply take charge of your own life by setting firm limits with respect to his involvement in your affairs.

On March 31st, Parkhurst Brothers will release a brand new edition of In Sheep’s Clothing, already a 15-year international bestseller.  On June 30th, Parkhurst will also release Character Disturbance, my new book on all of the problem characters that can make your life difficult.  Both books point out that when it comes to covert-aggressive personalities or any other disturbed character, “they already see, they just disagree.”  That is, they know what they’re doing and why they’re doing it and they know how other people want them to behave. They simply refuse to do things differently and use various tactics to manipulate others into backing down or backing off.  My new book goes into much greater depth about this and explains how not to get caught up in the trap of trying to get them “to see.”

Persons with disturbed characters are unique individuals who are often quite difficult to live or work with. Some prior posts have explored just what a disturbed character is and how these folks differ from most, especially those commonly thought of as “neurotic” to some degree.  Knowing how such individuals tend to think can help anyone understand them better because how we think about things in large measure determines how we will act, and disturbed characters often act in ways that create big problems for relationships and for society in general.

Because an immature or impaired conscience is a hallmark feature of the disturbed character, such characters have a diminished capacity to experience genuine guilt over actions or intended actions that injure others. So when they’re thinking about doing something, disordered characters rarely think about how their actions might affect others or possibly transgress ethical or moral boundaries. To the degree that they might have at least some rudimentary conscience, they’re able to quickly and effectively block out thoughts of right and wrong when they’re seriously contemplating how to get something they want. Not caring enough about how their behavior might impact someone else, they simply give the rightness or wrongness of their plans no serious consideration. They might very well know that others would view their behavior as wrong, but they can still make excuses and “justify” their wrongful acts with ease. Over time, this guiltless way of thinking promotes a pervasive attitude of irresponsibility.

Disordered characters also have a deficient sense of shame.  They almost never think of how some action of theirs might negatively reflect the kind of person they are. This is such an important point because it could easily be said that a key feature of the most disordered individuals is that they neither care enough nor think enough about how their patterns of behavior reflect on their character.  What’s more, when disturbed characters do perceive that someone is judging them in a negative manner, they easily think that it’s the other person who has the problem. Some of the most severely disturbed characters might even count it as a badge of honor that they are not affected by the opinions of others and hold onto their grandiose and unrealistic self-images despite a track record of wreaking havoc in the lives of those they work or live with. Over time, their shameless thinking fosters the development of quite a brazen attitude.

Guilt is the bad feeling most of us have when we think we’ve done something wrong.  Shame is all about our feelings about ourselves as persons of worth.  When our patterns of behavior habitually cause problems and pain for others, most of us reflect upon or think about those behaviors with a sense of both shame and guilt.  We feel bad for doing wrong and strive not to do similar things again.  And, we feel ashamed of ourselves and vow to be better persons.  Disturbed and disordered characters don’t engage in this kind of thinking.  Lacking an appropriate sense of guilt, and without a sufficient sense of shame, they don’t engage in the same kind of reflective thinking that enables most of us to grow, change, and improve ourselves.

• “The Egomaniacal Thinking of the Disturbed Character”
• “Unreasonable Thinking”
• “Quick and Easy Thinking”

Some dysfunctional thinking patterns tend to cluster together, such as “irrelevant, external, and hard-luck” thinking.  Disordered characters also tend to think in another two ways that are often linked together: “Undaunted” and “Defiant” thinking.

Undaunted Thinking

Disturbed characters don’t allow adversity to lead them to question the ways they tend to look at things or the ways they tend to conduct themselves. Even though most of the problems they experience are the natural and logical consequences of their dysfunctional attitudes and behavior, they rarely allow themselves to think of their predicaments that way. Rather, they take pride in their determination to keep doing things as they prefer to do them no matter what happens as a result. If a relationship falls apart, they simply blame the other person and move on. If they run afoul of the law, they fault the “corrupt system” and become more resolute in their determination to beat it. They don’t allow themselves to think that maybe there’s something about the way they’re going about viewing and handling the trials of life that needs correction. Instead, they dig in their heels and harden their stance despite all objective evidence that their stance is ill-taken. Their habitual undaunted thinking leads to attitudes of belligerence and stubbornness.

Defiant Thinking

Disordered characters tenaciously cling to a core belief that they shouldn’t have to do anything they don’t want to do. They understand that rules exist and that most people chose to obey them, yet they are determined to make their own rules. They also know very well what others expect from them. Yet, they hate caving-in to the will of others or to the demands of society in general. They can bring themselves do something others want them to do when they agree with what is being asked of them or they anticipate personal gain, but they will not subordinate their wills to any “higher power” per se. Some researchers have observed that the most severely disordered characters have such a disgust for feeling obliged that they habitually refuse to accept social obligations. Their habitually defiant thinking breeds deep-seated attitudes of rebelliousness, disdain for authority, and antagonism toward duty. Such thinking makes it almost impossible to develop a sense of responsibility in the areas of civic, marital, and occupational relationships.

• Prideful Thinking
• Hedonistic Thinking
• Having to Win: The Combative Thinking of the Disturbed Character

Perhaps one of the most insidious yet pervasive ways of thinking that disturbed characters frequently engage in is what I call “quick and easy” thinking. The disordered character is forever looking for shortcuts. That’s because such characters detest labor and effort, most especially the kind of effort commonly referred to as labors of love (i.e., investing time and energy in an endeavor primarily for the benefit of someone else or the long-term benefit of all). So, when they want something, disturbed characters frequently think about how they’ll get it the quick and easy way. Sometimes, they even think of it as a badge of honor if they manage to “con” somebody out of something instead of securing it legitimately through hard work. The disturbed character would much rather cheat than earn.

Always wanting something for nothing, disturbed characters expect to pay the least for the things in life that are worth the most. The most disordered characters among us will attempt to command “instant respect” at the point of a gun but won’t lift a finger to earn the genuine respect of society by developing their own characters and making a meaningful contribution to society. They want trust without being willing to habitually do the things that engender trust. In short, they want all sorts of things that have value but they’re simply not willing to pay for them.

Even though they detest work and effort, disturbed characters will sometimes expend energy, especially when they think there’s something in it for them, when they think the payoff will be relatively quick, or when they think their effort will allow them to take advantage of others. However, as I’ve stated numerous times in my workshops, in general, their attitudes toward labor and their desire for immediate reward only lead them to regard W-O-R-K as the most distasteful four-letter word. Their habitual ways of thinking and behaving in this area engenders a pervasive attitude of disrespect for the value of work and effort. Such attitudes allow them to view others who have worked hard and achieved as just plain “lucky” and no more worthy of respect than they are. These attitudes also make it easier for them to justify trying to take something they haven’t rightfully earned.