I was with my ex for almost 5 years.  We broke up about 4 months ago.  I am finding it really hard to move and on, and I keep churning over in my mind everything about our relationship.

I actually think we had a great first year together.  He had some commitment issues, but I think he worked thorugh them a bit. After 2 years together, he steadily became violent and very angry and unpredictable at times. The relationship wasn’t seriously violent, but every 2-3 months there might be grabbing, pushing, squeezing me around my neck, and throwing things at me. This kind of thing was always followed by apologies and I kept forgiving and trying to move on.

My ex is always a great person to his friends, who all see him as carefree and usually the life and soul of the party.  But I experienced the brunt of his anger, usually after a night out, but just about anytime. He was verbally abusive, too and it was horrible to endure his torments at the time but then it would pass.

We tried couples counseling for a year and a half.  He discovered he had some issues, especially because he always blamed me for things.  He worked on his commitment issues and then gave me a ring about 2 years ago. But he found it hard to follow through on any of the agreements we made in counseling.  And when I would bring things to his attention, he would accuse me of being too critical and blame me for everything.

Eventually, we broke up. I didn’t want to, but I knew the violence wasn’t improving, even with counseling, and he also stopped apologizing for it. So, I accepted that we couldn’t be together.

Since the breakup, I have had a terrible and heart broken few months. But he immediately started a new sexual relationship with a friend that lasted for a couple months and a week after that ditched her and started dating yet another woman.

I now wonder if all the violence was my fault.  He kept telling me it was.  I wonder if he is likely to be violent in other relationships or if it was just something about me that cause the problem. I can’t believe how fast he moved on a has is into another sexual relationship only a month after breaking up with me.  I Just don’t understand any of it.

I think there were real strengths in our relationship and once he said he loved me for most of it. I really think the relationship was okay except when he was angry and violent.

I don’t understand.  Did he really love me?  Why would he not be as heartbroken as me when things ended and how could he show such disrespect for our long relationship (we even owned a home together) by moving on to others so quickly?

When I wrote my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing, I was careful to revise it twice to emphasize the prime reason people of decent character or who may be “neurotic” to some degree simply “don’t get it” with respect to individuals who have marked deficiencies of character.  And in my new book, Character Disturbance, I go to great lengths to highlight the many and significant differences between most folks and people of disturbed character.  The main reason neurotics not only enter but also become trapped in abusive relationships is because they fail to recognize that disturbed characters are fundamentally different from most folks on multiple, significant dimensions of interpersonal functioning.  People get trapped because traditional psychology frameworks have reinforced their own notions that everyone - especially down deep - must be fundamentally alike.  Unfortunately, such thinking is often a recipe for disaster and unhappiness.

I responded to the person who inquired in the following fashion:

You already seem to have a good deal of insight about some things, but something appears in the way of you accepting the most important things about your former situation.  You seem to know that this man had “commitment” issues, that he blamed others (especially you) for his bad behavior, and that he even failed to honor pledges he made in therapy.  What you don’t seem to want to accept is that not all people share the same values, see things the same way, or have the same willingness to discipline themselves and conform their behavior to accepted standards.  Unlike your average “neurotic” individual who tries to do right and always seeks to “understand,” disturbed characters do as they please, hurt others, and adamantly refuse to blame themselves for their unprincipled or unruly conduct.

Rather than wonder some of the things you ask, the much bigger questions for you to answer are twofold: what keeps you from recognizing that some people are very different from you and have deeply flawed characters; and what is it about yourself that so willingly questions yourself and has a hard time letting go even when someone has proven themselves to lack the character to be a worthy partner in a relationship?

The questions above are the kinds of things a “neurotic” person might work with a counselor or therapist to answer.  But it’s also important that the counselor or therapist understands character disturbance and knows how to assist a person to become less neurotic and more empowered in their interpersonal relations.

“My boyfriend and I have lived together for nearly 5 years. He doesn’t fit the accepted profile of an “abuser.”  He isn’t jealous and doesn’t seek to isolate me or control my money.  Still, he is verbally insulting to me, and his temper is genuinely terrifying (he frequently throws/smashes things).  He hit me once, and I called the police.  To this day, he says I’m to blame for the whole episode. He’s aggressive to others, as well and he never apologizes, or sees fault in his behavior. He is manipulative and criticizes any emotions I dare show as a sign of my own weakness. I often don’t tell him how I really feel to avoid argument or being put down.

My boyfriend also has alcohol abuse problems that have nearly cost him his job. When he is drunk he is usually even more aggressive and not just toward me. Most of the time, I walk on eggshells, trying not to upset him.  He is extremely impulsive, but that has a positive side.  He is a genuine wit; very creative; and occasionally brilliantly insightful (others share this view).  I believe that if he disciplined himself, he could be a successful writer. It’s occurred to me that he might be bipolar, or suffer from adult ADHD. He is hostile to the idea of therapy, however.  I’ve read a load of self-help books on abuse, alcoholism. He doesn’t seem to fit any of these profiles, exactly. His various struggles make it difficult for me to write him off in black and white terms. I don’t feel I can end the relationship, but I’m having trouble thinking about it with any clarity. I need to decide whether to end this and build my life in earnest, or stay and try to help make things better.

I wish I could say that the example above represents a rare circumstance.  In fact, it’s an all too common scenario.  Victims in abusive relationships will often try so hard to understand (it’s part of their neurosis) that the end up enabling all sorts of destructive behavior and entrapping themselves further in a no-win situation.  Here is my response:

You might have read a lot of self-help books, but I’m fairly certain you haven’t read my first book In Sheep’s Clothing (which has been recently revised) or my new book Character Disturbance (now available for advance orders from Amazon!).  I’m fairly certain of this because both books not only account for your boyfriend’s behavioral profile, but also your pattern of putting yourself in positions that further erode your already damaged sense of self-worth.  Both books emphasize how self-defeating it can be to try far too hard to “understand” as opposed to finding and standing on principles necessary to foster healthy relationships.

Your boyfriend alone is responsible for his behavior and the fact that he is unwilling to seek help to correct it speaks volumes about his character and the likely future of your relationship. And the fact that you’ve tolerated what you have in an effort to better “understand” (despite the insight you already have is a reflection of your own misplaced priorities.  Neither party in an abusive relationship ever finds the motivation to change the status quo unless the principles of responsible behavior take precedence over understanding. Best advice:  Stop musing about possible explanations and start enforcing limits and boundaries.

Folks often ask me if Covert-Aggressive personalities (manipulators) and other disturbed characters really understand themselves or know what they’re doing.  I always reply that most of the time, such personalities know exactly who they are and what they’re up to.  This is something others find very hard to believe.  But to illustrate the point, I thought I’d reproduce a portion of an article I wrote about a year ago on a popular international blog:

Covert-Aggressive Personalities are the archetypal wolves in sheep’s clothing that I introduced in my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing . These individuals are not openly aggressive in manner in which they relate to others.  In fact, they do their best to keep their aggressive intentions and behaviors carefully masked. They can often appear quite charming and amiable, but underneath their civil facade they are just as ruthless as any other aggressive personality. They are devious, underhanded, and subtle in the ways they abuse and exploit others. They have generally cultivated an arsenal of interpersonal maneuvers and tactics that enable them to effectively manipulate and control those in relationships with them. The tactics they use are effective because they simultaneously accomplish two objectives very effectively:

• The tactics conceal obvious aggressive intent. When the covert-aggressive is using the tactics, the other person has little objective reason to suspect that he is simply attempting to gain advantage over them.
• The tactics covert-aggressive personalities use effectively play on the sensitivity, conscientiousness, and other vulnerabilities of most persons — especially neurotic individuals — and therefore effectively quash any resistance another person might have to giving-in to the demands of the aggressor.

So, it’s this one-two punch of the tactics: never really seeing what’s coming, and being vulnerable to succumbing to them, that’s at the heart of why most people get manipulated by them.

About a week after I posted the article referenced above, the blog site received one of the most interesting comments to date:

It’s very disturbing, but true… I am one of these personality types.  It is quite an issue for me since I only started really looking at this pattern and why I do it over the last few weeks. (I am 35).  You make the point that this personality type has an underdeveloped conscience and that some of these individuals have more conscience impairment than others.  This may be a harsh assessment, but I know this is true, also.  I actually have some degree of conscience.  I would never think of actually hurting another person physically for personal gain, ever.  Still, I do seem to “attack” when I perceive my own interests or safety to be under assault in any way, be it physical, emotional, spiritual, and I justify my behavior by telling myself it’s necessary.

I have tried to limit my covert-aggressive actions to those situations when I feel it’s absolutely necessary for survival and the last resort.  However, it’s very difficult for me not to “act-out” (I know you say this is an incorrect use of the term) whenever I see a chance to gain a victory over others.

I dont know where this all got started.  I just know that my behavior has a name, and that I really need to try harder (it seems to become a bit easier all the time) to be less manipulative and more straightforward. To face this issue is not an easy one, because it means I have to adapt my way of thinking and acting to more “normal” trains.

My wife knows all this about me and still loves me.

“Jacob”

The above comment validates points that I’ve made in prior posts about this personality type.  Some of these folks are more neurotic than they are character-disordered.  Some have more of a conscience than others.  But in the end, such personalities have impairments in conscience and character that allow them to exploit the vulnerabilities of others and to justify their actions by claiming their behavior was necessary.  And, as the testimonial above attests to, these folks know what they’re doing.

Perhaps the most hopeful aspects of Jacob’s testimonial is that people can and do change, but they have to be the ones to decide it’s in their best interest.  And over the years, I have dealt with literally hundreds of folks just like Jacob who acquired enough integrity of character and motivation to put an end to their covert-aggressive ways.

The main character, Dexter, is an intriguing study. He is no doubt a psychopath, and he is also a ritual serial killer who has managed to elude detection for his heinous acts. Because I’ve dealt with so many psychopaths in the past, I’m not of a mind to become invested in this series. But the writers certainly have captured many of the essential features of psychopathy in Dexter.

While so many things are chillingly accurate, there is one thing that bothers me about the portrayal of Dexter’s character. Psychopaths do lack normal human empathy and a sense of “connection” to others. They can feign emotion and fake normal human empathy-based interaction patterns. And they have an uncanny ability to read others, to know what makes them “tick” as it were. But they’re not really bonded to the rest of us. That fact makes them potentially so very dangerous. The depictions of Dexter as a person who has to feign almost every aspect of normal human relating are so accurate, it can and should make your skin crawl. But it’s the way the writers seem to explain how such people get to be the way they are that bothers me more than a little.

People have long assumed that persons who are so heartless and do heinous things to others must have come from backgrounds that were filled with abuse and neglect. And in the case of “Dexter,” his childhood trauma is remarkable. He witnessed his mother murdered by drug dealers and was tutored by his police officer adoptive father to bring justice to evil-doers who escaped sanction by killing them in a ritual manner. “Is it any wonder Dexter is the way he is?,” a person must ask him or herself. This portrayal is great for the series because it makes the main character endearing in a way, which is one likely reason the series is so successful. But the reality about psychopathy is even more chilling. That is the fact that many psychopathsdon’t have horrendous histories in their past that “made” them the dangerous folks they are. So as chilling as it is to watch the character Dexter, knowing the realities about psychopathy is even more chilling. We know how different they are, but we’re only beginning to learn why they are so different. And what puts most people at such risk to be victimized are two assumptions we’ve long made: that most of us are essentially the same, and that people who do cruel things to others must have been severely mistreated in their formative years. Psychopaths know very well how most people think and respond, so it’s easy for them to manipulate others into making false assumptions about them and into a false of sympathy for them when they exhibit their heartless behavior.

Those seeking to understand psychopathy and sociopathy will not be disappointed for a lot of reasons by the character portrayals in Dexter. But those really seeking to understand the origins of this strange condition will not be done any real service by continuing to assume that childhood trauma explains what’s so different and so dangerous about these predators among us. As chilling as that thought is, the whole truth, once finally uncovered, is likely to be even more chilling than that.

I present a framework for understanding psychopathy in both my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing and my soon to be released book Character Disturbance.

Here’s a brief, edited portion of one of the commandments excepted from the book:

You are neither an insignificant speck nor are you so precious or essential to the universe that it simply cannot do without you. Know where you fit in the grand scheme of things and keep a balanced perspective on your sense of worth. Thinking too much of yourself is as dangerous as thinking too little of yourself. Do not dismiss your accomplishments, but don’t laud yourself or lord over others any position or good fortune you’ve managed to secure. Avoid pretense. Keeping a balanced sense of self and being genuine will help you stay humble and avoid false pride.

Remember, you are not synonymous with your talents, abilities, or physical attributes. They are all endowments (i.e. fortunate accidents of nature, “gifts” of God, the universe) entrusted to you. Recognize where things really come from and give credit and recognition where credit and recognition are truly due. Who you are and how you are defined as a character are in large measure determined by what you do with what you’ve been given. The credit for your life and innate capabilities belongs to nature or, ultimately the creative force behind nature. The credit for what you do with all you’ve been given goes to you. This is the essence of merit. Honor the life force within you as well as all who might have nurtured your potential by using your gifts for the good of all. It’s not so much the outcome of your actions that matters either, for that’s also not entirely in your hands. It’s the effort you make that matters most. Judge yourself on your merits. Having appropriate reverence for what you’ve been given and honoring the creative force through your actions is the essence of both genuine humility and healthy self-respect.

Character Disturbance is the culmination of years of working with irresponsible individuals and those in relationships with them.  In the coming weeks, I’ll be posting other excerpts in advance of the book’s wide release this summer.

I am in love with someone I believe must be a “commitment phobic.” I am not a psychologist nor am I in the medical field. But when my boyfriend flipped out on me for no apparent reason, I knew something must be wrong with him.

My boyfriend always wears sunglasses and has about ten pairs of them. He won’t even go into certain establishments with out them, even if wearing sunglasses is prohibited. I believe he must do this because he is afraid to make direct eye contact with people. He also avoids certain social situations, so perhaps he is socially phobic as well. I think he must be uncomfortable in a group of people he doesn’t know.

Now, my boyfriend has, on many occasions, especially while under the influence, told me that he loves me and wants to marry me. Yet, when I remind him, of this and suggest that we actually do it, he becomes angry.  He says things to insult me and hurt my feelings.  I don’t understand this because he can be so sweet, caring and playful. It’s really confusing. Every time we start to get close, he sabotages it. I believe what he does and not what he says, so I don’t let the things that he says bother me so much. However, I also believe that I am letting him take control of my life. I thought it out and have decided to confront him with what I believe his problem is. I feel if I tell him that I know he’s being mean to me because of his underlying fears and insecurities, perhaps I can take the control away and he’ll stop because he’ll know that it’s not affecting me. But then again I fear that it might make him go deeper into his shell and never speak to me again. That’s where I need your advice. Do you think that I should tell him?

I replied in the following manner:

One of the tools of personal empowerment I’ve written about in prior posts and which is expounded upon in my book In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US is to judge actions, not Intentions. You need to be really cautious about making interpretations about what you think have to be the “underlying reasons” for your boyfriend’s inappropriate behavior. You have already conjectured that your boyfriend has a fear or “phobia” of commitment that causes him to “sabotage” things when you start to “get close.” Such presumptions and interpretations have often been among the reasons people allowed themselves to enter or stay in abusive relationships. But in fact there numerous other reasons that can prompt an individual to behave in an abusive, narcissistic and exploitive manner, not all of which are rooted in insecurity or fear.  Instead of kidding yourself and maintaining the “illusion” of control by thinking you have the power to know and expose your partner’s motives and therefore take away his “reasons” for his dysfunctional behavior, take actual control of your own life by setting limits, expectations, enforcing boundaries, and most especially by paying attention to people’s behavior as the best predictor of what they will do in the future.

In my soon to be released book, Character Disturbance, I explain how some of the most commonly accepted perspectives on human behavior actually set people up for victimization in their relationships.  The book is set for wide release by Parkhurst Brothers at the end of July.

Around 16 years ago, I published my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. I did so because I was working with many people who had been victimized in some way by a manipulator.  Knowing how many people had been subjected to various control tactics, back-stabbing, underhanded maneuvers, subtle abuse, etc., and the host of problems (e.g., depression, internal turmoil, relationship confusion, etc.) was eye-opening.  I also came to appreciate that several of the notions about human behavior the victims held - many promoted by traditional psychological paradigms - were actually making it harder for them to understand and deal with the behavior of their manipulators.  After working closely with manipulators, various other disturbed characters, and relatively healthy individuals victimized by the responsibility-challenged people in their lives, I decided a radical new approach could help people protect themselves from the harmful things disturbed characters are prone to do.  In Sheep’s Clothing was the result of utilizing this new approach to help people understand and deal with the disturbed characters in their lives, especially manipulators.  For the first time, it allowed people to understand what was really going on with their abuser, how they managed to get hoodwinked, blindsided, and manipulated, and what they could do to keep such things from happening again.

In Sheep’s Clothing started out as a small, independent publication, targeted toward a relatively small market.  Yet it was received by the public in a manner I could barely have imagined.  After several revisions, numerous online reviews and testimonials, and unprecedented word-of-mouth, it became a bestseller and has been translated into several foreign languages.  It has been revised a few times, but its basic content has remained as stable and as timely as its subject matter.

Just a few weeks ago (March 31, 2010) a brand new edition of In Sheep’s Clothing was released by Parkhurst Brothers Publishers.  This edition contains some new content and provides a suitable introduction to my new book, Character Disturbance, which takes an in-depth look at the disturbing phenomenon of our age.  Character Disturbance is also published by Parkhurst Brothers and is scheduled for wide release on July 31, 2010.  It is my sincere hope that both of these works cast a needed new light on a societal problem that appears to be becoming ever more prevalent in our age of permissiveness, entitlement, and irresponsibility.

Dear Dr. Simon,

I just finished reading your book, In Sheep’s Clothing. No words can express the gratitude that I have for this obvious manifestation of your love and hard work.  From your introduction onward, I sensed that you were, not only enlightened about this subject, but that you had a sound, moral and ethical motive for writing the book.  That’s what drew me to you.

I’ll spare you the details of my life, but as you have probably heard thousands of times, I am a victim of a covert-aggressive, manipulating person.  And to make matters worse, I now realize that I am a very neurotic individual.  I didn’t know that before seeing myself in your book.  And I’m not ashamed of it, but I see how it made me vulnerable all my life.  Now, I think I am on the way to reclaiming my life, and finding self-respect and confidence.  Your book has equipped me to do that and to take on the challenges that still lie ahead.

The person who manipulated me for years was incarcerated last year for a serious crime that came to light 2 years ago.  At first, I played my typical role of the sympathizer/empathizer, and offered to get this person “help” him and to support him.  But I finally realized that I’d been enabling him to be irresponsible all his life and to get away with all the things he’d done to cause me pain throughout my life!  When I finally drew the line, he used all the tactics you explained in your book.  In the past these tactics have left me completely depressed and my family and business suffered.   But now I am aware of the tactics and also aware of myself enough to know that I need to be more assertive and rid myself of the burden of his irresponsibility.

To the point:  Your book helped me understand why I am such an “approval junkie,” how I got manipulated, why I always hated confrontation, and why I had so little confidence and self-respect - even though I have done so many good things in my life and achieved a measure of success in my pursuits.  I intend to spend many days meditating on the new perspectives your book offers and connecting them to my life experiences with people of all different characters.  And I will strive to no longer sabotage myself by allowing the disturbed characters I encounter to manipulate me.

You may not ever fully know the overwhelming feelings your work is helping people like me to experience.  But I wanted to let you know how much your work has meant.  I wish you the best, and thank you again.

M.K.  Virginia

I have only recently realized that my elderly father is a covert-aggressive personality.  I spent so many years hating myself and feeling that others didn’t like me, including family members.  Knowing how I’d been duped has been a really hard realization to come to.  I always thought I had the “Leave it to Beaver life” yet I was never happy.  But I thought it was me, or my mother, or anyone but my Dad who was the problem.  Somehow, he always came out “smelling like a rose”.  I almost divorced my husband because of him and his manipulations.   When my Mom died, my Dad wanted me and wanted my husband gone from his life.  I spent many sleepless nights trying to figure all this out and I’m not sure I understand it completely even now.  I have to read and re-read Dr. Simon’s book to remind me what has happened to me and how it happened.  I know the truth about him now, yet I find it easy to blame myself.  My question is, if I confront a my Dad, covert aggressive personality that he is, with the facts as outlined in Dr. Simon’s book, would he see himself?  Would he know that I’ve “got it” with respect to what he’s really like or would he look at me like I’m crazy?

Perhaps this woman did not read or possibly didn’t understand some points I made in my book In Sheep’s Clothing about covert-aggressive personalities generally being much more character-disturbed than neurotic and how different disturbed characters are from neurotics with respect to the level of insight they have about themselves.  So, in part I replied this way:

If your dad is the kind of personality I describe in my book, the likelihood is that he already sees himself just fine.  And, if he looks at you like you’re crazy when you confront him, it’s more than likely a tactic to keep you under control.  So, it’s far more important that resist trying to get him to see things and simply take charge of your own life by setting firm limits with respect to his involvement in your affairs.

On March 31st, Parkhurst Brothers will release a brand new edition of In Sheep’s Clothing, already a 15-year international bestseller.  On June 30th, Parkhurst will also release Character Disturbance, my new book on all of the problem characters that can make your life difficult.  Both books point out that when it comes to covert-aggressive personalities or any other disturbed character, “they already see, they just disagree.”  That is, they know what they’re doing and why they’re doing it and they know how other people want them to behave. They simply refuse to do things differently and use various tactics to manipulate others into backing down or backing off.  My new book goes into much greater depth about this and explains how not to get caught up in the trap of trying to get them “to see.”

Dear Dr.Simon,

Thank you for your blog articles on Disturbed Characters. I just got out of a relationship with someone who I believe to have a character disorder. Often he would play the victim in everything that had happened to him (even when something that happened was clearly his fault). He was very manipulative, and aggressive at times as well. When we first started dating, I misinterpreted everything he did, thinking that he was really the victim of many unfortunate events, I would almost pity him, and the things that happened to him. My family noticed a change in me, and only put up with him because they knew I loved him, and we were engaged to be married next year. I would often be blamed for the things he did, whether it meant he got too aggressive and hurt me (he would blame it on the fact that I might take a stance that “looked like” I was about to attack him).  Inevitably it would end up being my fault for all of his short comings and problems. Although I can not completely understand some of this, I can relate to it, finding certain things in his behavior which lead for me to look up these series of articles. A lot of the things mentioned in these articles fits him very well. I am just glad to know that it wasn’t me causing all of his problems, and it wasn’t entirely my fault for the downfall of our relationship.

Again, thanks for the blog posts.  I’m looking forward to the release of your new book.

Dorothy’s comments are typical of emails and notes I receive every week.  It heartens me to know that the material I’ve been posting is helpful to people trying to understand the disturbed characters in their lives.

I’ll continue to post articles addressing various issues related to character disturbance.  I’m also pleased to announce that after many unavoidable delays, Parkhurst Brothers Publishers will be putting my new book Character Disturbance into wide release in July of this year.  This book is the culmination of many years of dealing with the many different personalities whose character defects are so pronounced that they bring misery, pain, and hardship into the lives of many.  Naturally, I will continue to post articles on all my blogs.  These blog posts will complement my new book Character Disturbance and help you deal with the disturbed characters in your lives.