I was with my ex for almost 5 years.  We broke up about 4 months ago.  I am finding it really hard to move and on, and I keep churning over in my mind everything about our relationship.

I actually think we had a great first year together.  He had some commitment issues, but I think he worked thorugh them a bit. After 2 years together, he steadily became violent and very angry and unpredictable at times. The relationship wasn’t seriously violent, but every 2-3 months there might be grabbing, pushing, squeezing me around my neck, and throwing things at me. This kind of thing was always followed by apologies and I kept forgiving and trying to move on.

My ex is always a great person to his friends, who all see him as carefree and usually the life and soul of the party.  But I experienced the brunt of his anger, usually after a night out, but just about anytime. He was verbally abusive, too and it was horrible to endure his torments at the time but then it would pass.

We tried couples counseling for a year and a half.  He discovered he had some issues, especially because he always blamed me for things.  He worked on his commitment issues and then gave me a ring about 2 years ago. But he found it hard to follow through on any of the agreements we made in counseling.  And when I would bring things to his attention, he would accuse me of being too critical and blame me for everything.

Eventually, we broke up. I didn’t want to, but I knew the violence wasn’t improving, even with counseling, and he also stopped apologizing for it. So, I accepted that we couldn’t be together.

Since the breakup, I have had a terrible and heart broken few months. But he immediately started a new sexual relationship with a friend that lasted for a couple months and a week after that ditched her and started dating yet another woman.

I now wonder if all the violence was my fault.  He kept telling me it was.  I wonder if he is likely to be violent in other relationships or if it was just something about me that cause the problem. I can’t believe how fast he moved on a has is into another sexual relationship only a month after breaking up with me.  I Just don’t understand any of it.

I think there were real strengths in our relationship and once he said he loved me for most of it. I really think the relationship was okay except when he was angry and violent.

I don’t understand.  Did he really love me?  Why would he not be as heartbroken as me when things ended and how could he show such disrespect for our long relationship (we even owned a home together) by moving on to others so quickly?

When I wrote my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing, I was careful to revise it twice to emphasize the prime reason people of decent character or who may be “neurotic” to some degree simply “don’t get it” with respect to individuals who have marked deficiencies of character.  And in my new book, Character Disturbance, I go to great lengths to highlight the many and significant differences between most folks and people of disturbed character.  The main reason neurotics not only enter but also become trapped in abusive relationships is because they fail to recognize that disturbed characters are fundamentally different from most folks on multiple, significant dimensions of interpersonal functioning.  People get trapped because traditional psychology frameworks have reinforced their own notions that everyone - especially down deep - must be fundamentally alike.  Unfortunately, such thinking is often a recipe for disaster and unhappiness.

I responded to the person who inquired in the following fashion:

You already seem to have a good deal of insight about some things, but something appears in the way of you accepting the most important things about your former situation.  You seem to know that this man had “commitment” issues, that he blamed others (especially you) for his bad behavior, and that he even failed to honor pledges he made in therapy.  What you don’t seem to want to accept is that not all people share the same values, see things the same way, or have the same willingness to discipline themselves and conform their behavior to accepted standards.  Unlike your average “neurotic” individual who tries to do right and always seeks to “understand,” disturbed characters do as they please, hurt others, and adamantly refuse to blame themselves for their unprincipled or unruly conduct.

Rather than wonder some of the things you ask, the much bigger questions for you to answer are twofold: what keeps you from recognizing that some people are very different from you and have deeply flawed characters; and what is it about yourself that so willingly questions yourself and has a hard time letting go even when someone has proven themselves to lack the character to be a worthy partner in a relationship?

The questions above are the kinds of things a “neurotic” person might work with a counselor or therapist to answer.  But it’s also important that the counselor or therapist understands character disturbance and knows how to assist a person to become less neurotic and more empowered in their interpersonal relations.

Now you can finally learn the truth about the manipulative, aggressive, narcissistic, and other responsibility-challenged people in your life.  These are the people who are content with themselves but who make everyone around them miserable.  After several unavoidable delays, orders can now be placed for Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of our Age.

The international success of my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing:  Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People, told me that people were hungry for understanding not only about manipulators, but also about all the problem characters in their lives.  In Character Disturbance, I present a framework by which almost anyone can understand all the major personality types, what makes them the way they are, how they think, how they conduct their relations with others, and what a reasonable person has to do to avoid being abused or exploited by life’s most unsavory characters.  I even give examples of therapeutic encounters with such types to illustrate the futility of traditional intervention methods and what really has to happen to make a difference in the disturbed character’s modus operandi.

Advance orders for the book should be filled in a couple of weeks.  So order early because demand will be high.

“My boyfriend and I have lived together for nearly 5 years. He doesn’t fit the accepted profile of an “abuser.”  He isn’t jealous and doesn’t seek to isolate me or control my money.  Still, he is verbally insulting to me, and his temper is genuinely terrifying (he frequently throws/smashes things).  He hit me once, and I called the police.  To this day, he says I’m to blame for the whole episode. He’s aggressive to others, as well and he never apologizes, or sees fault in his behavior. He is manipulative and criticizes any emotions I dare show as a sign of my own weakness. I often don’t tell him how I really feel to avoid argument or being put down.

My boyfriend also has alcohol abuse problems that have nearly cost him his job. When he is drunk he is usually even more aggressive and not just toward me. Most of the time, I walk on eggshells, trying not to upset him.  He is extremely impulsive, but that has a positive side.  He is a genuine wit; very creative; and occasionally brilliantly insightful (others share this view).  I believe that if he disciplined himself, he could be a successful writer. It’s occurred to me that he might be bipolar, or suffer from adult ADHD. He is hostile to the idea of therapy, however.  I’ve read a load of self-help books on abuse, alcoholism. He doesn’t seem to fit any of these profiles, exactly. His various struggles make it difficult for me to write him off in black and white terms. I don’t feel I can end the relationship, but I’m having trouble thinking about it with any clarity. I need to decide whether to end this and build my life in earnest, or stay and try to help make things better.

I wish I could say that the example above represents a rare circumstance.  In fact, it’s an all too common scenario.  Victims in abusive relationships will often try so hard to understand (it’s part of their neurosis) that the end up enabling all sorts of destructive behavior and entrapping themselves further in a no-win situation.  Here is my response:

You might have read a lot of self-help books, but I’m fairly certain you haven’t read my first book In Sheep’s Clothing (which has been recently revised) or my new book Character Disturbance (now available for advance orders from Amazon!).  I’m fairly certain of this because both books not only account for your boyfriend’s behavioral profile, but also your pattern of putting yourself in positions that further erode your already damaged sense of self-worth.  Both books emphasize how self-defeating it can be to try far too hard to “understand” as opposed to finding and standing on principles necessary to foster healthy relationships.

Your boyfriend alone is responsible for his behavior and the fact that he is unwilling to seek help to correct it speaks volumes about his character and the likely future of your relationship. And the fact that you’ve tolerated what you have in an effort to better “understand” (despite the insight you already have is a reflection of your own misplaced priorities.  Neither party in an abusive relationship ever finds the motivation to change the status quo unless the principles of responsible behavior take precedence over understanding. Best advice:  Stop musing about possible explanations and start enforcing limits and boundaries.

Having given literally hundreds of workshops on the topic of character disturbance, my audiences (helping professionals and lay persons alike) always seem to want to know how the various disturbed characters came to be the way they are and what can be done to help them change. I get similar questions from readers of my writings and blog articles as well.

You can boil down many of the underlying assumptions of traditional schools of psychological thought about how people become disturbed and how you help them heal in this way: People are inherently good and geared toward health. They become unhealthy because bad or “traumatic” things happen to them. They develop fears and insecurities as a result of the trauma they experience and learn to cope in less than optimal ways. With unconditional positive regard, empathy, and support, they can heal their wounds, overcome their fears, and become naturally inclined once again to lead healthy, loving, compassionate lives.

Some schools of philosophical and religious thought adopt an opposing view: Man is basically a “fallen” or evil creature, inherently defective. Without sufficient guidance from a higher power, and left to his own devices, man will naturally tend to descend into all types of decadence, indecency and depravity. His greatest need is to be “saved,” especially from himself.

There is also the “nature vs. nurture” argument. For a long time, behavioral scientists argued that we’d all be the same were it not for the fact that we are subjected to very different environmental influences and contingencies. But these days there is plenty of evidence that certain behavioral tendencies are strongly influenced by genetic, temperamental, and other constitutional factors.

As is almost always the case, it appears the truth about human nature lies somewhere in the middle of the various extremes expressed above. Man is neither inherently good nor evil. And he is neither at the mercy of his genes and biochemistry nor is he a mere robot, fated to behave solely as his environment has programmed him to act. He is also not inherently defective. And although he’s basically an animal endowed by nature with some very primitive instincts, he has the remarkable capacity to learn and grow in awareness, which makes it possible for him to become ever so much more than a mere animal. That’s what the processes of socialization and character development are all about. And it’s a difficult, painful, complex, and generally life-long process.

In my book In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon], I define the process of character development this way:

Character-building is the lifelong process by which we instill self-discipline and develop the capacities to live responsibly among others, to do productive work, and above all, to love. …[And] loving is not a feeling, an art, or a state of mind. It’s a behavior, and precisely the behavior to which the two Great Commandments exhort us to commit ourselves.

Similarly, I define a philosophy for responsible living:

Even though a person might begin life as a prisoner of the natural endowments he was given and the circumstances under which he was raised, he cannot remain a “victim” of his environment forever. Eventually, every person must come to terms with him or herself. To know oneself, to fairly judge one’s strengths and weaknesses, and to attain true mastery over one’s most basic instincts and inclinations are among life’s greatest challenges. But ultimately, anyone’s rise to a life of integrity and merit can only come as the result of a full self-awakening. A person must come to know himself as well as others without deceit or denial. He must honestly face and reckon with all aspects of his character. Only then can he freely take on the burden of disciplining himself for the sake of himself as well as for the sake of others. It is the free choice to take up this burden or “cross” that defines love. And it is the willingness and commitment of a person to carry this cross even to death that opens the door to a higher plane of existence.

In my forthcoming book, Disturbances of Character, I make the point that “ours is an extremely interconnected and interdependent world,” and as such the need for people of sound character could not possibly be greater. I also note that “my personal mission for the last several years has been to call attention to the significant social problem (of character disturbance) and to inspire people to address and overcome it.” And in one chapter of the book, for the first time I offer some core principles for successfully guiding people (especially children) through the process of socialization and character development. I’ve already posted one article on one of the “ten commandments of character” [See: The Ten Commandments of Character] I discuss in my new book.  I’ll be posting some articles on other of these “commandments” in upcoming posts and hope they will spur a robust and fruitful discussion.

The main character, Dexter, is an intriguing study. He is no doubt a psychopath, and he is also a ritual serial killer who has managed to elude detection for his heinous acts. Because I’ve dealt with so many psychopaths in the past, I’m not of a mind to become invested in this series. But the writers certainly have captured many of the essential features of psychopathy in Dexter.

While so many things are chillingly accurate, there is one thing that bothers me about the portrayal of Dexter’s character. Psychopaths do lack normal human empathy and a sense of “connection” to others. They can feign emotion and fake normal human empathy-based interaction patterns. And they have an uncanny ability to read others, to know what makes them “tick” as it were. But they’re not really bonded to the rest of us. That fact makes them potentially so very dangerous. The depictions of Dexter as a person who has to feign almost every aspect of normal human relating are so accurate, it can and should make your skin crawl. But it’s the way the writers seem to explain how such people get to be the way they are that bothers me more than a little.

People have long assumed that persons who are so heartless and do heinous things to others must have come from backgrounds that were filled with abuse and neglect. And in the case of “Dexter,” his childhood trauma is remarkable. He witnessed his mother murdered by drug dealers and was tutored by his police officer adoptive father to bring justice to evil-doers who escaped sanction by killing them in a ritual manner. “Is it any wonder Dexter is the way he is?,” a person must ask him or herself. This portrayal is great for the series because it makes the main character endearing in a way, which is one likely reason the series is so successful. But the reality about psychopathy is even more chilling. That is the fact that many psychopathsdon’t have horrendous histories in their past that “made” them the dangerous folks they are. So as chilling as it is to watch the character Dexter, knowing the realities about psychopathy is even more chilling. We know how different they are, but we’re only beginning to learn why they are so different. And what puts most people at such risk to be victimized are two assumptions we’ve long made: that most of us are essentially the same, and that people who do cruel things to others must have been severely mistreated in their formative years. Psychopaths know very well how most people think and respond, so it’s easy for them to manipulate others into making false assumptions about them and into a false of sympathy for them when they exhibit their heartless behavior.

Those seeking to understand psychopathy and sociopathy will not be disappointed for a lot of reasons by the character portrayals in Dexter. But those really seeking to understand the origins of this strange condition will not be done any real service by continuing to assume that childhood trauma explains what’s so different and so dangerous about these predators among us. As chilling as that thought is, the whole truth, once finally uncovered, is likely to be even more chilling than that.

I present a framework for understanding psychopathy in both my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing and my soon to be released book Character Disturbance.

Here’s a brief, edited portion of one of the commandments excepted from the book:

You are neither an insignificant speck nor are you so precious or essential to the universe that it simply cannot do without you. Know where you fit in the grand scheme of things and keep a balanced perspective on your sense of worth. Thinking too much of yourself is as dangerous as thinking too little of yourself. Do not dismiss your accomplishments, but don’t laud yourself or lord over others any position or good fortune you’ve managed to secure. Avoid pretense. Keeping a balanced sense of self and being genuine will help you stay humble and avoid false pride.

Remember, you are not synonymous with your talents, abilities, or physical attributes. They are all endowments (i.e. fortunate accidents of nature, “gifts” of God, the universe) entrusted to you. Recognize where things really come from and give credit and recognition where credit and recognition are truly due. Who you are and how you are defined as a character are in large measure determined by what you do with what you’ve been given. The credit for your life and innate capabilities belongs to nature or, ultimately the creative force behind nature. The credit for what you do with all you’ve been given goes to you. This is the essence of merit. Honor the life force within you as well as all who might have nurtured your potential by using your gifts for the good of all. It’s not so much the outcome of your actions that matters either, for that’s also not entirely in your hands. It’s the effort you make that matters most. Judge yourself on your merits. Having appropriate reverence for what you’ve been given and honoring the creative force through your actions is the essence of both genuine humility and healthy self-respect.

Character Disturbance is the culmination of years of working with irresponsible individuals and those in relationships with them.  In the coming weeks, I’ll be posting other excerpts in advance of the book’s wide release this summer.

I read your book In Sheep’s Clothing for the first time and really liked it.  I am also happy to say that I have found your website and other blogs that feature your work and have read many of your articles.

I recognize myself as a kind of “neurotic” person like you describe and the man I’m dating as a disturbed character.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t until I started knowing him better that I realized something wasn’t quite right. But, as I hadn’t been in a similar situation before and with him being a very smart person, it was hard for me to see things clearly.

Now after reading your book and postings I have finally understood what the source of trouble was - his irresponsible, narcissistic, hedonistic self - all expressions of his underdeveloped character. I was just wondering what the treatment is if any? I’ve read here that such people (I think they are categorized as Cluster B) don’t usually change.  Is there any hope for these types of people?

Letters like this one and comments over the years from folks at workshops prompted me to write my latest book, Character Disturbance, which is set for wide release by Parkhurst Brothers at the end of July.  In this book, I address what it takes to make changes in persons with underdeveloped character.  Contrary to popular belief, the situation with disturbed characters is not hopeless.  What is hopeless as well as pointless is trying to relate to or intervene with such folks through traditional techniques and methods.  Traditional methods focus on feelings, unresolved emotional conflicts, and most especially, things hidden from consciousness.  Traditional methods also also try to give a person insight they don’t have into problems as the principal way of solving them.  But disturbed characters are already aware of the bad things they do.  They’re aware but don’t care.  They like the way they do things, even if others don’t.  And their feelings are not at the root of problems.  Instead, their distorted way of thinking about things and their irresponsible habitual behaviors are the culprits.  So, dealing with disturbed characters effectively requires a completely different strategy from traditional methods.  In Character Disturbance, I present some vignettes that clearly illustrate the different approach that needs to be taken.

NOTE:  WEB LINKS TO THE ONLINE SELLERS FOR BOTH IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING AND CHARACTER DISTURBANCE MIGHT BE A BIT PROBLEMATIC DURING THE “CHANGEOVER” TO THE MOST RECENT EDITION AND PUBLISHER.  ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE LATEST EDITION FROM THE CURRENT PUBLISHER, PARKHURST BROTHERS.

I am in love with someone I believe must be a “commitment phobic.” I am not a psychologist nor am I in the medical field. But when my boyfriend flipped out on me for no apparent reason, I knew something must be wrong with him.

My boyfriend always wears sunglasses and has about ten pairs of them. He won’t even go into certain establishments with out them, even if wearing sunglasses is prohibited. I believe he must do this because he is afraid to make direct eye contact with people. He also avoids certain social situations, so perhaps he is socially phobic as well. I think he must be uncomfortable in a group of people he doesn’t know.

Now, my boyfriend has, on many occasions, especially while under the influence, told me that he loves me and wants to marry me. Yet, when I remind him, of this and suggest that we actually do it, he becomes angry.  He says things to insult me and hurt my feelings.  I don’t understand this because he can be so sweet, caring and playful. It’s really confusing. Every time we start to get close, he sabotages it. I believe what he does and not what he says, so I don’t let the things that he says bother me so much. However, I also believe that I am letting him take control of my life. I thought it out and have decided to confront him with what I believe his problem is. I feel if I tell him that I know he’s being mean to me because of his underlying fears and insecurities, perhaps I can take the control away and he’ll stop because he’ll know that it’s not affecting me. But then again I fear that it might make him go deeper into his shell and never speak to me again. That’s where I need your advice. Do you think that I should tell him?

I replied in the following manner:

One of the tools of personal empowerment I’ve written about in prior posts and which is expounded upon in my book In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US is to judge actions, not Intentions. You need to be really cautious about making interpretations about what you think have to be the “underlying reasons” for your boyfriend’s inappropriate behavior. You have already conjectured that your boyfriend has a fear or “phobia” of commitment that causes him to “sabotage” things when you start to “get close.” Such presumptions and interpretations have often been among the reasons people allowed themselves to enter or stay in abusive relationships. But in fact there numerous other reasons that can prompt an individual to behave in an abusive, narcissistic and exploitive manner, not all of which are rooted in insecurity or fear.  Instead of kidding yourself and maintaining the “illusion” of control by thinking you have the power to know and expose your partner’s motives and therefore take away his “reasons” for his dysfunctional behavior, take actual control of your own life by setting limits, expectations, enforcing boundaries, and most especially by paying attention to people’s behavior as the best predictor of what they will do in the future.

In my soon to be released book, Character Disturbance, I explain how some of the most commonly accepted perspectives on human behavior actually set people up for victimization in their relationships.  The book is set for wide release by Parkhurst Brothers at the end of July.

Around 16 years ago, I published my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. I did so because I was working with many people who had been victimized in some way by a manipulator.  Knowing how many people had been subjected to various control tactics, back-stabbing, underhanded maneuvers, subtle abuse, etc., and the host of problems (e.g., depression, internal turmoil, relationship confusion, etc.) was eye-opening.  I also came to appreciate that several of the notions about human behavior the victims held - many promoted by traditional psychological paradigms - were actually making it harder for them to understand and deal with the behavior of their manipulators.  After working closely with manipulators, various other disturbed characters, and relatively healthy individuals victimized by the responsibility-challenged people in their lives, I decided a radical new approach could help people protect themselves from the harmful things disturbed characters are prone to do.  In Sheep’s Clothing was the result of utilizing this new approach to help people understand and deal with the disturbed characters in their lives, especially manipulators.  For the first time, it allowed people to understand what was really going on with their abuser, how they managed to get hoodwinked, blindsided, and manipulated, and what they could do to keep such things from happening again.

In Sheep’s Clothing started out as a small, independent publication, targeted toward a relatively small market.  Yet it was received by the public in a manner I could barely have imagined.  After several revisions, numerous online reviews and testimonials, and unprecedented word-of-mouth, it became a bestseller and has been translated into several foreign languages.  It has been revised a few times, but its basic content has remained as stable and as timely as its subject matter.

Just a few weeks ago (March 31, 2010) a brand new edition of In Sheep’s Clothing was released by Parkhurst Brothers Publishers.  This edition contains some new content and provides a suitable introduction to my new book, Character Disturbance, which takes an in-depth look at the disturbing phenomenon of our age.  Character Disturbance is also published by Parkhurst Brothers and is scheduled for wide release on July 31, 2010.  It is my sincere hope that both of these works cast a needed new light on a societal problem that appears to be becoming ever more prevalent in our age of permissiveness, entitlement, and irresponsibility.

I don’t know what I should do.  I’m in love with a married man.  He has  kids from both in and outside of his marriage. My mom can’t accept even the thought of him being with me. I do realize the problems we’d face as a couple, and do my best to control myself. He does, also, and both of us know that we don’t really have a future together because he’s made it clear he’ll never get a divorce and my parents won’t ever accept him as my life partner. Still, I really want him and I think we really love each other.

Please, tell me what I should do.  I really need some advice!

My response to this woman is also illustrative of the shift in philosophy necessary these days to help people of immature, disturbed, or fractured character change:

Giving you direct advice in such a situation is fraught with both danger and impropriety.  But it seems that you already have abundant insight.  These are the things you clearly indicate that you already know:

The man is married.

He will never divorce.

He has fathered children within and outside of his marriage.

Your parents couldn’t possibly accept him.

You know that your relationship with him is fraught with “problems” and full of risk.

Your turmoil stems from the fact that despite knowing how foolish this involvement might be, you still really want this man.

So, it’s not really clear what your question is.  The fact that you have feelings for this man is certainly not the issue.  You can’t help your feelings.  But whether you allow your feelings to completely overrun your better judgment is quite another matter.  Mature, adult life is all about being guided in your actions by values and sound judgment as opposed to letting your urges and impulses run the show.  No one can do your growing up for you and there’s danger in relying on someone else’s “advice” to guide your every step.

Best advice:  Acknowledge your feelings and desires but don’t let them drive your decisions in life.

Back in the “good old days” of psychotherapy, counselors of one type or another would help individuals who were riddled with insecurities and fears gain “insight” about the underlying reasons for their unhappiness.  These were the days in which “neurosis” was still the primary ailment therapists treated.  But as I have written about many times, truly pathological levels of neurosis have all but disappeared from the landscape. Neurosis is still with us, of course, but most neurotics are highly functioning, responsible people.  The bigger problem these days is the gross immaturity disturbance of character so many individuals possess.  And instead of fears and insecurities being at the root of their problems, the real culprits are their distorted ways of thinking about things and the impulsive, undisciplined, and irresponsible ways they allow themselves to behave.

In the brand new revision of my first book In Sheep’s Clothing, I address many of these issues.  And in my new book Character Disturbance, set for wide release June 30 from Parkhurst Brothers, I explore these issues in great depth as well as give helpful guidelines about how to deal with such issues professionally as well as interpersonally.