Of the hundreds of emails and letters I receive every year, by far the most common (and somewhat frustrating) inquiries are from folks who are struggling with a disturbed character in their lives but have yet to find a therapist or counselor who can appreciate or adequately help them deal with their dilemma. Sometimes, people report having been to as many as a dozen professionals without much luck. And unfortunately, many report feeling at a loss about what to do when they liked a therapist on a personal level but nonetheless felt they were completely taken in by the disturbed character’s penchant for manipulation and positive impression management.
It long ago proved impossible to keep a list of attendees at my workshops for professionals, or to maintain any kind of up-to-date referral list. But inasmuch as I continue to get referral requests by the dozens, I thought it might be helpful to offer some suggestions that might assist someone trying to find the right kind of help:
- Before you begin the process, inquire about the potential therapist/counselor’s training background, experience, and most especially, theoretical orientation. Lean toward professionals with solid experience in diagnosing and treating individuals with disturbances of personality, and who adopt a cognitive-behavioral approach to treatment. Psychoanalysis, insight-oriented psychotherapy, and other traditional approaches have their place, but they’re not likely to ultimately prove all that helpful in dealing with character disturbance.
- Keep high in your awareness the necessary focus of treatment. It’s easy to get sidetracked by issues such as anxiety, despondency, self-esteem, etc. that can accompany the problems associated with living or dealing with a disturbed character. And certainly such issues need attention. But when someone’s problems are a direct byproduct of their dysfunctional ways of relating to others, it’s important that all parties never lose sight of that fact, and hold it as the primary issue needing to be addressed.
- Maintain charge of your position as a consumer of services and seeker of help. Some individuals hop from therapist to therapist as a way of avoiding more seriously dealing with their personal issues. This, of course, is not healthy. But it’s also not productive to linger in counseling with a professional who doesn’t seem to “get it” with respect to understanding and dealing with the disturbed character’s behavior. Know the immediate, intermediate, and longer-term goals and objectives the therapist has targeted and how they plan to gauge progress. Raise concerns when you don’t see progress being made. And if the therapist proves unresponsive to your legitimate needs, consider making a change.
My book Character Disturbance includes a robust discussion on the different needs disturbed characters have in therapy and also includes several vignettes that illustrate some of the uncommon character of effective intervention with such individuals. Hopefully, the aforementioned suggestions will also prove useful to folks seeking help in dealing with the disturbed character in their life.
Hi Dr. Simon,
I’m a therapist in training and recently read your amazing book. I completed an entire semester on abusive relationships in December and we never once discussed manipulative people. After reading this book over the holidays, I immediately emailed my professor and said your book is a must for her required reading list. I also informed my graduate peers about the book as well. To fully toot your horn, I left a glowing review on Barnes and Noble’s website! I can’t stress enough how valuable these tools will be for me as a person, parent and therapist. I now have such a fulfilling sense of personal boundaries that have enriched my relationship with my children which to me is priceless. Have you considered writing a textbook? Thank you, Dr. Simon, your work will remain on my shelf — well read — for years to come.
Warmly,
Mary
Thank you so much for your kind words, Mary. And I’m assuming you’re speaking of my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing. I have to say that textbooks are not my strong suit, but my latest book, Character Disturbance, comes the closest there will ever be to me writing one, inasmuch as it presents a fairly thorough overview on various personality types, and the pathology that can accompany each.
Again, thanks for the comment. The validation I have received has sustained me in my work for many years.
I have Character Disturbance on my wishlist! I’m anxious to read anything you publish. Your work in your first book was liberating! Thank you!
Thank you, Mary!
Dear Dr. Simon,
Thank you so much for your dedication to such an important and pressing subject! After I was “run over” by a covert aggressive friend (the most confusing experience I’ve ever had), I read “In Sheep’s Clothing” 3 times. I’m half-way through “Character Disturbance” for the second time. It has taken me (apparently naive, neurotic) that many reads to “get it”. I get it now- and thank you for taking me to a place where I can stand back, emotionally detached, from an analytical and thoughtful position (position position position!). It took that many reads to absorb and accept that there are such unbelievable characters amongst us without feeling quite disturbed (a different kind of disturbed) myself. I very much like how you use words like “shenanigans” to put the thinking and behavior in perspective. It takes some of the judgement out of it and allows one to look with a bit of compassion upon these souls. Your books have helped shed light on the character and behaviors of a few others in my past, as well. My character disturbed sister’s behavior finally makes sense to me, after 25 years! I can’t wait until my kids are old enough to read these books. I only hope I’m doing enough to help them integrate the 10 commandments of character in the time being! I have one comment: I read a review of Character Disturbance online a while back, where someone took issue with your references to God, or a Higher Power. How can one possibly reflect on character without considering a Higher Power? I want to thank you for including these spiritual reflections in your book, despite the uneasiness that it may bring to some. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your devotion to helping others understand, develop, and gently judge character. All the best to you! Joan
Thank you again for another problem facing all (including myself) who are involved with this personality. One of the biggest anxiety producers for me, besides the behavior of my character disordered ex- spouse, was my frustration with counsellors he could manipulate.
Do you have think some counsellors also do not fully understand? In my experience, he tries to impress our family counsellors and they miss seeing the “maneuvers” unless blatant. Any advice on how to clearly communicate and show these behaviors this to them? I feel that I almost need to resort to being an investigator to prove the lies.
For those therapists who don’t already “get it” with respect to these personality types, and whose theoretical orientation keeps them at a disadvantage with respect to ever “getting it,” no amount of demonstration will help them see things straight. Best to find a counselor with the right training and experience, even though this can be hard to do sometimes. One bit of shameless self-promotion, if you’ll permit: Many therapists who are at least open and amenable, have “gotten it” just fine after reading one or both of my books. Once they see a sensible explanation for all the problem cases they’ve had in the past, it becomes clear to them what they need to do differently and how they need to recognize and deal with the disturbed character’s antics. I’ve sold many books because clients have recommended them to counselors who in turn recommended them to other counselors and their clients.