Folks often ask me if Covert-Aggressive personalities (manipulators) and other disturbed characters really understand themselves or know what they’re doing. I always reply that most of the time, such personalities know exactly who they are and what they’re up to. This is something others find very hard to believe. But to illustrate the point, I thought I’d reproduce a portion of an article I wrote about a year ago on a popular international blog:
Covert-Aggressive Personalities are the archetypal wolves in sheep’s clothing that I introduced in my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing . These individuals are not openly aggressive in manner in which they relate to others. In fact, they do their best to keep their aggressive intentions and behaviors carefully masked. They can often appear quite charming and amiable, but underneath their civil facade they are just as ruthless as any other aggressive personality. They are devious, underhanded, and subtle in the ways they abuse and exploit others. They have generally cultivated an arsenal of interpersonal maneuvers and tactics that enable them to effectively manipulate and control those in relationships with them. The tactics they use are effective because they simultaneously accomplish two objectives very effectively:
- The tactics conceal obvious aggressive intent. When the covert-aggressive is using the tactics, the other person has little objective reason to suspect that he is simply attempting to gain advantage over them.
- The tactics covert-aggressive personalities use effectively play on the sensitivity, conscientiousness, and other vulnerabilities of most persons — especially neurotic individuals — and therefore effectively quash any resistance another person might have to giving-in to the demands of the aggressor.
So, it’s this one-two punch of the tactics: never really seeing what’s coming, and being vulnerable to succumbing to them, that’s at the heart of why most people get manipulated by them.
About a week after I posted the article referenced above, the blog site received one of the most interesting comments to date:
It’s very disturbing, but true… I am one of these personality types. It is quite an issue for me since I only started really looking at this pattern and why I do it over the last few weeks. (I am 35). You make the point that this personality type has an underdeveloped conscience and that some of these individuals have more conscience impairment than others. This may be a harsh assessment, but I know this is true, also. I actually have some degree of conscience. I would never think of actually hurting another person physically for personal gain, ever. Still, I do seem to “attack” when I perceive my own interests or safety to be under assault in any way, be it physical, emotional, spiritual, and I justify my behavior by telling myself it’s necessary.
I have tried to limit my covert-aggressive actions to those situations when I feel it’s absolutely necessary for survival and the last resort. However, it’s very difficult for me not to “act-out” (I know you say this is an incorrect use of the term) whenever I see a chance to gain a victory over others.
I dont know where this all got started. I just know that my behavior has a name, and that I really need to try harder (it seems to become a bit easier all the time) to be less manipulative and more straightforward. To face this issue is not an easy one, because it means I have to adapt my way of thinking and acting to more “normal” trains.
My wife knows all this about me and still loves me.
“Jacob”
The above comment validates points that I’ve made in prior posts about this personality type. Some of these folks are more neurotic than they are character-disordered. Some have more of a conscience than others. But in the end, such personalities have impairments in conscience and character that allow them to exploit the vulnerabilities of others and to justify their actions by claiming their behavior was necessary. And, as the testimonial above attests to, these folks know what they’re doing.
Perhaps the most hopeful aspects of Jacob’s testimonial is that people can and do change, but they have to be the ones to decide it’s in their best interest. And over the years, I have dealt with literally hundreds of folks just like Jacob who acquired enough integrity of character and motivation to put an end to their covert-aggressive ways.
How do i get professional confirmation that my husband is a ruthless manipulator and chronic covert aggressive? For some reason I feel like I really need that validation.
You seem to be one of the few professionals that “gets it” – and you don’t practice any more – correct?
You do not need confirmation to decide what anyone else is. Besides, what difference does it make what a professional validates.
Doesn’t it seem as if you are the one that seems to have an issue? If that is the case, how about putting your needs first and get professional opinion (not validation) that would be useful to you,being the best you can be. Huh?
I completely sympathize with Jazzy’s need for validation. Covert aggression is just that,covert. Other people don’t see it. So, when you are the victim, you are made to feel like you are the one with all the problems. You can’t even adequately describe what is happening to you. When you try, people have a hard time believing you. “How could you accuse such a charming, kind, selfless person of being manipulative? You are the one with the problem.”
You, the manipulated one, are beaten up and beaten down, but if you are strong enough, your spirit is still screaming, “Something isn’t right here!” When you finally start getting help and recognizing what is happening, you are still too weak and victimized to stand up without help.
After I discovered “In Sheep’s Clothing”, I had several friends and fellow victims read it. I needed to get some outside confirmation that these behaviors were actually taking place.
MO makes a great point in how stealth abuse affects a person and how the victim is perceived. As he said “you are the one with the issue”. This is why victims of domestic violence often have little avenues and resources for seeking help. You appear to be crazy aka gaslighting, crazy-making. Society views YOU as the problem not the abuser. MO is showing us the uphill battle we face in trying to expose these perpetrators. In terms of seeking validation, you are not likely to get any in this lifetime. Minor physical/sexual abuse is not prosecuted and stealth abuse is not illegal. Best in healing. Angela
My mother is the same…she has wound everyone around her little finger through manipulation and destroyed our family by pitting everyone against one another. My siblings are still in denial though I’m been screaming like a prophet in the wilderness for over 15 years. I’m now considering burning my bridges completely and getting out…i’m already 33 and still single, my mother having destroyed any shred of self belief and confidence I had.
Outwardly, she appears charming and nice. She believes she’s a really nice person, but underneath, her subtle ways of Dobbinising my father and competing with her three daughters, lavishing attention and ‘love’ on my brother is just sickening. There’s no psychological space for any of us and if I had tried to escape sooner I would have died on the way out because i was so weak from her constant abuse. I am now in therapy and recovering; she has not mentioned it ever, much like she never mentions any significant achievement of mine. My siblings are so scared of rocking the boat; I have been seen as the weak one and I am weak because I get punished for speaking out. They are leading grand lives, jet setting about the place with their boy/ girl friends while I’m depressed and lonely and in therapy. About a week ago, my sister said, ‘You know, we’ll all been shockingly neglected’. It was a start! I didn’t want to argue and say it was much much more than that; it was great to finally receive some validation so I understand what you mean.
I just ended a relationship with what you described above. He was cheating and when I asked nicely why he became detached, etc., he said I was out of control and I was going to break us apart if I kept asking him questions! He is almost 68. I have joined a yacht club and am buying a house in the same community where I have been for over 20 years. When I asked him to keep his friend in PA for a few weeks, he decided to bring he down every weekend. He tries to contact me saying she doesn’t do it for him and I should wait for him!
I wish I could get that sort of confirmation…..all I get are my own words parroted back to me as the justifications for his behavior of course with a healthy dose of blaming me in the process.
I’m the one with the husband and family while he’s single and hopeless yet I’m the jerk for trying to break off our friendship before he can do any more damage to my life all the while claiming he cares for me, maybe a little too much. Trying to ruin ones life while holding them hostage for more emotional abuse sure is a caring feat.
I’m more and more freaked out the more research I do on covert aggressive personalities because I have no clue on how to combat it. I stand up for myself and call him on his bullshit and he just ignores that and tries another tactic, one after another after another. I swear his tactics are endurance races.
I don’t know why I’m not taking every possible step to discourage further communication rather then doing it a piece at a time and I don’t know why I engage in fighting when all it does is wear me down to the point that I don’t have enough anger to keep fighting him. Yet I keep dancing on my strings whenever I’m challenged or my integrity questioned or my loyalty challenged or my guilt buttons pushed. I read in Sheep’s Clothing this weekend and it was an awesome book. I just don’t know why I’m not being more of a hardass to end this for good. What is forcing me to keep doing this dance when I know there is nothing in it for me anymore and I’m just a numb emotional nub at this point?
You just described my marriage of 12 years. 2 children later we are finally seperated and in counseling. The counselor does recognize my husbands manipulative behavior and is helping me realize the parts of my character that make me vulnerable to being manipulated. It is exhausting to be around someone who is constantly changing their tactics to keep the upper hand. I have been away from him for a week now and don’t miss him at all. I can finally breathe my own air. It’s like the prison doors are open and I can finally see the light.
Thanks so much for your comment, Shaunna. And congrats on finding a counselor who recognizes manipulative behavior and is working with you on personal empowerment. Enjoy the fresh air and keep working hard!
wow – this is MY 22 year marriage…whenever he is away I feel I can BREATHE…the kids are not stressed either. Yet I feel NO ONE would believe me if I spoke up about how he treats me, and the kids. He is Mr Perfect and Mr In Charge everywhere else. I’m not a shrinking violet – I call him out, alot. But he never ‘gets it’, NEVER apologizes, and simply does not think he has ANY faults, as I “cause the problems” by wanting to talk about something that is bothering me. What I never realized until reading this is that I have just gotten used to things being this way and let it go to keep the peace since having kids. He does not care about keeping the peace and will escalate and prolong an argument to prove he is right. He does not respond one word to the emotion of what I am feeling – no empathy whatsoever. But will flip out if I “make him sound bad” when there is no one even in the room! That is all he cares about. Himself. He will often feign agreement with me but has no intention to change and then gets angry (way too angry way too fast) when I call him on what he said he would not do! I feel like I live in the Twilight Zone as he literally is 2 different people – one way at home and one way not at home. We’ve been to counseling – after he cheated on me – but he outsmarted the doc since he came off so calm and normal. I often go to sleep hoping not to wake up. It is hell. I’m even scared to write this for fear he will somehow read it.
Thank you for your comments about the book. In it I discuss some of the reasons people have a hard time putting an end to hurtful situations. One reason is the “slot machine syndrome” in which a person wants to walk away from a bad deal but then faces the loss of years of emotional (and sometimes financial) investment (this is analogous to what happens when you “feed” a slot machine). Another reason is hanging on to the erroneous and self-defeating notion that the things you do to assert yourself should necessarily result in a positive change in someone else’s behavior (over which you have no control). There are other reasons as well. I hope you find yours.
I have been in a twenty-five year relationship/married for twenty-two and just last year did I realize the fact that he is a complete fraud and I was brainwashed by him. I have spent the last year attempting to hold on to my sanity and I have prevailed, yet I still am invovled in his nasty game thinking my honesty, calmness, and love will save him ie. change him. I must quit. He is ruthless, cold , mean and pocesses a very nasty tongue. He had sex with our matron of honor who is now deceased, lied about it for 19 years, and than tells me it is my fault because I am such a bit**. He claimed to be a faithful loyal husband for our entire marriage. I found him in a bar last year with a woman he was invovled with for the over a decade. I just read what I wrote OMG an entire 1/4 of a century of my life caught in this trap!!!?!
What you describe is a common occurrence for folks in such relationships. And the tactics manipulators use to deceive and control are effective precisely because it’s so hard to know what’s happening until after the major damage is already done. And a big point I make in my writings is that even when the truth comes to light, a person is often faced with abandoning a substantial emotional investment they’ve made in the relationship trying to get it to work. This makes walking away, as essential as it is, fairly difficult.
You can’t teach a sociopath to grow a conscience, can one actually expect a manipulator of this sort to care for anything but his own self-serving agenda? I think not. As cliche as it may be, a leopard cannot change its spots…
Although all psychopaths (alt: sociopaths) are the ultimate manipulators, not all manipulators or persons with other antisocial and character-disordered traits are psychopaths. And while many there are certainly traits in many disordered characters that are deeply ingrained and not very amenable to change, not all of the most problematic personality types are completely beyond change. They’re just not reachable or teachable with conventional understanding or methods.
Just read your not reachable or teachable with conventional understanding or methods. I’m a hypnotist and do a lot of work with forgiveness and empowerment. I’ve also helped a few become less aggressive, more compassionate and understanding when they needed. So, would you be talking about hypnosis as one of those unconventional means?
Love your book.
Thank you, Celeste. Whereas traditional models are non-directive, the various “strategic” models (including hypnosis) focus on leading folks in new directions, allowing them to actually do things they wouldn’t otherwise do, and learning in the process. I’m all about new learning and empowerment and I applaud those hypnotherapists that embrace the same philosophy.
I was in a relationship with what I initially perceived was an intelligent, caring and professional man, a Chiropractor in fact, and thought I had met the man of my dreams. He portrayed to me to be everything I had hoped to find in a partner. He talked the talk very well and as we met at a time when my biological clock was not far from expiring and was desperate to have a child I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world when I met him. How wrong I was, it was once I was pregnant that I first saw the other side of him so had a serious decision to make whether to continue the pregnancy as I was quite frightened for my safety. I did have our child who is the most adorable little girl in the world, now nearly 5. I endured a pregnancy of random attacks of verbal abuse from him, never provoked and often when I least expected them, he would turn so nasty and say such horrible things about me yet the whole time speaking in this very controlled, calm yet utterly cold and cruel voice. I attemtped to leave several times during the pregnancy yet he would always say afterwards how sorry he was and that of course he could see things from where I was comign from. I ended up leaving when she was 10 weeks old and we seperated for 1.3 yr, however his manipulation continued and managed to pursuade me to give things another go for the sake of our family so we did for another 2 yrs (of hell). I started to peice his manipulation and behaviour yet I just couldn’t fathom it.
I left him for good in Jan ‘09 yet he already has another partner with a little girl and they are expecting a baby at the end of the year. She was also his patient as was I, and as I’ve since found out were 2 others, including his ex wife. I was fearful to leave him during our reconciliation as he would always threaten me that he would take our daughter for 50/50 custody and as I had been a full time stay at home Mum the thought of this just terrified me. We are now going through solicitors to get things finalised, yet I can just see how he is starting to manipulate our daughter, to the point that when she comes home she doesn’t want to leave Daddy. This just breaks my heart.
How do I deal with such a man? I am so afraid he is gradually going to work his magic on her vulnerable little mind and turn her against me altogether.
A very concerned Mother.
I can really relate to your position. I too have 4 children and he has honed in on one child in particular who is 13 yo girl and vulnerable. For all their lives he has little to do with them and now suddenly he wants 50/50 child care and is magically unemployed! He has already wormed his way into getting between my daughter and I. Our relationship has deteriorated and i can see where its headed. It’s one of the hardest things I’ll have to do – watch my children get manipulated and not be allowed to set them straight with the truth because the court doesnt allow it. So the manipulator keeps on getting away with it and can even hide behind the law! It’s a tough pill to swallow.
OMG, I didnt think so many people have been through what I have been through. I wish I had the time and energy to tell my story. In a nutshell, I have been dealing with this manipulator since 1996 or so. He was still married to his now Late wife ( God rest her soul at the time that he started chiseling at my low self confidence and low self esteem. I was 26 years old. He was 36 at the time. This individual got into my naive brain and took advantage of my eagerness to please and make him happy. He was and still is a predator seeking women that he can inundate with his charm and take advantage of to suit his personal needs. To make a long story short after a 6 year relationship I sought psychotherapy in 2007 to figure out why I was so unhappy. It was made crystal clear to me that I was not in the right place. And that I was tethered and being used. I agreed with my therapist but made a conscious decision to stay in denial. I could not tolerate the pain of the reality that this man was not all that I had thought. I distinctly remember the reality of it and the loss of him feeling alot like how I felt when my father died. ( I was a real daddy’s girl). I remember trying to tell him that I was leaving and him responding in that pitiful manipulative voice, “You don’t want to be with me anymore”. Well that pushed my buttons and of course I stayed. I was 38 by now and this man had agreed to father a child for me even though we were not married. I got pregnant and had a miscarriage twice (God trying to tell me something). On the 3rd pregnancy I had a beautiful little girl. After the baby was born was when I started to really seek truth about me agressors behavior. Come to find out he had been cheating on me the entire time. I went back into counseling (different therapist) and she spoke to me about emotional maturity. In my effort to learned more about emotional maturity I googled it. Only to find a link to emotional manipulation. I got curious and opened the link. What I read was MIND BLOWING. My heart dropped. My aggressor possessed every single characteristic of and emotional manipulator. I was completely floored. From the charmer, to the willing helper ( agreeing to do things then getting pissed off if he had to do it unless his good deed is for a woman he is trying to conquer), to the creator of doubt, to the subtle sarcastic inadequacy jabs, to the lack of accountability, to the The list goes on and on. I have sinced sought more and more understanding about this condition. Finally left for good in February 2011. He really had me wrapped around his finger. All this to say, it is my belief that most of these very sick individuals cannot be helped. The extent they will go to to satisfy their needs is unbelievable ie.having a child with me to keep me there in his web of deceit. I now have the same problem as the concerned mother above. How can I keep him from damaging my daughter. Thank God I have seen the light. I am still healing but getting better every day. I would say to anyone dealing with this personality disorder to please acknowledge whatever need you have that this person is satisfying. I finally realized that this person was able to always make me feel wanted. He was very affectionate and it always felt sincere. If you can identify need that your agressor fills and break free of it then you can free yourself before this individual makes you crazy. Some of these individuals with this personality disorder are like PEDIFILES. They cannot be helped. Get the hell away from them as soon as you can. GOOD LUCK.
I just read the last post by Alli and the sentance where she states “I just can’t fathom it” really hit home for me, I spent the last twenty-five years in a stupor trying to make sense and reason out of this dangerous and crazy making behavior from my husband. My suggestion is to never engage with him without a witness or a recording device. Do research him fully while remaining “Under the Rador” Interview his friends, family, former coworkers and former patients in a non accusing or threating way as to gain your equalibrium and start the paper trail you will need in the event of procuring supervised visitation to protect your daughter from emotional abuse. Also, you might find that the other Mothers of his children are allies in an effort to protect their children as well.
In my book In Sheep’s Clothing, I emphasize how important to learn and use the tools of personal empowerment when dealing with aggressive and covert-aggressive characters. Because you have no control over the things they do, whenever you engage with them you need to be able to immediately spot tactics and know how to respond to them. Then, you must learn to accept the fact that although you have ultimate control over the actions you take, you have to let all the rest go.
Good comments. Remember, personal empowerment is always about the actions you take, not about trying to control the disturbed character.
How do you deal with an 18 year old covert-aggressive daughter? My partner’s daughter is one…. and I can “see” it while the rest of the family just becomes her victims. She is RUTHLESS, NASTY, and will not stop until she gets what she wants. She refuses to do anything for anyone unless she gets something out of it. Never does anything out of the goodness of her heart. Rolls her eyes when you ask her to do such a simple favor.
She HATES it that I can see right through her “wolf-suit” and goes running to mummy… (at 18!)… then we get into a fight about it. I have now realized that what the daughter is doing is manipulating her mother to get to me.
I printed out what I found from your book and am going to show it to her mother and tell her, “this is the way I see your daughter”…. “this is why I refuse to give in to her”…. “this is why she comes between us”….. Hopefully my partner will then understand and we can start fighting less.
Interesting that Dr. Simon received a confession from a covert aggressor. The only time that is going to occur is when the aggressor has made a decision he wants to change his life. If you read the book Nasty People by Jay Carter he explains that in the first draft of the book he took an extremely hostile tone towards what he calls “Invalidators” – a very apt name for them. But one of the first people who read the draft was an Invalidator that came back to Jay asking tearfully how he could change his destructive behavior. That caused Jay to re-write the book in a way that gave consideration to the Invalidator who wants to achieve positive, productive relationships with other people.
I’ve never had an invalidator/covert aggressor that was willing to admit what he/she was doing to me. Logically, why would they? Are they going to say “Oh yes, golly I lie, deny, intimidate, project, have selective memory/attention, play the victim, play the servant, feign anger or hurt etc. in order to manipulate you into a one-down position and get what I want in a deceptive and underhanded way…” Of course not. Their entire tool kit is based on a foundation of deception. Asking them to admit to that, from their point of view, is removing their source of power over others.
Some of the comments are interesting because like me, it is hard to fathom their thinking and it is extremely difficult to let go of the hope that they will change. But this is absolutely imperitive for you to do and it is accomplished the same way you achieve anything else: you commit to it. You make that an explicit goal. You resolve yourself to attaining the certitude that yes, people think this way and no, I am not going to throw my emotional resources away in the vain hope of an epiphany on their part.
Alli, one of the things that helped me in dealing with the manipulative people I have to retain in my life is thinking ahead. We’ve always allowed manipulators to get the best of us because they are three steps ahead of us. We don’t actually prepare and plan – we just react openly and honestly to people. They plan their ambushes and have their next couple of moves all thought out ahead depending on how you react to the initial ambush. They have been practicing all of their lives, so they can fire off shots like a machine gun rat-a-tat-tat. We don’t even realize we’ve been manipulated until they’ve finished the job and left.
I’ve found that just by consciously telling myself that I am about to engage with a manipulator defeats one of the important advantages they have over us: putting us on the defensive with the initial ambush. If you allow yourself to react emotionally, they’re always going to get the better of you. Just by consciously preparing you can slow them down. Instead of reacting to what they say and do, you have to ask yourself why they are saying or doing it. They rely heavily on staying ahead of you and pushing your buttons, so by doing this you defeat their primary weapon. With your daughter, this mental preparation will allow you to anticipate and defeat manipulative acts or statements by the ex. So think ahead instead of reacting after the fact.
Dee, one of the things I discovered with situations similar to yours is that the companion of the manipulator is an enabler. So they will invalidate what you say. The manipulator will not confess to the tactics they are using because that defeats the purpose of the tactic. The mother of the manipulator does not confess to the tactic oftentimes because doing so forces the acknowledgement of disgraceful behavior on the part of someone they love.
I have a wonderful wife that had hard decisions to make about her family members that manipulated us. Initially, she played the game from their side. Had that continued we would have never gotten married because I was through having manipulators in my own home.
So when you ask about what to do with the daughter – in my case I sat my fiance down with the most kind and empathetic voice I could muster. I explained I knew very well how difficult her position was and how cruel it was for her family to use manipulative tactics on her. I urged her to have the maturity to understand that we absolutely must agree with one another and present a united front to her family or else our relationship would fail. Furthermore, if we allowed this destructive manipultion, it would be repeated endlessly and her family would never have the incentive to act productively. If she wanted her family to grow into positive lives of accomplishment and self-esteem it was important that we made ourselves into a team with a common objective of not being manipulated.
We openly discussed the primary manipulative tactics they used on us, and although it was very difficult for her initially, she agreed with me and made the right decisions. The result was wonderful on all sides. Our marriage has been fantastic. Her family members have been productive and self-actualized.
You need that committment out of your partner, and if you don’t get it then what you will get instead is invalidation and endless fighting, even though this remarkable book offers the right insights.
Apologies to Dr. Simon in advance. Who am I to offer advice, except to say that I followed his.
Thanks so much for your eloquent comments. For so long, both professionals and laypersons unwittingly but strongly “enabled” destructive behavior patterns with certain personality types because of our distorted views about what these folks were really like. Once you know the tactics, how to address the behaviors directly, and how to be maximally empowered, things can indeed change. And if a lot of folks around you are on the same page, it can finally become clear to a disturbed character that it’s in their best interest to change their ways. That said, not every disturbed individual has the same capacity for change, and there’s always the possibility that what’s promoted on the surface as change is really only the tactic of “assent”. But there is hope when the masks are off and the true agendas are confronted.
I go into more depth about all these issues in my new book “Character Disturbance.” Sixteen years ago, when “In Sheep’s Clothing” was first published, there were no other authors even talking about the issue, let alone providing evidence that they really understood it. In recent years, Jay’s book as well as Stout’s and Hare’s books and several others reveal how much the thinking of professionals has changed about most troublesome folks among us.
Thanks for your comments, Dee. Keep in mind that the insight capacity of others is not within your ability to control. I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to inform and communicate. But I am saying that if you invest too much in the hope that everyone else will “see” what you do with respect to this person’s behavior, and then they don’t endorse your mode of dealing with her, it’s a set-up for disappointment, hard feelings and possibly even some depression. So, make it your primary commitment to take care of yourself and to confront and deal with the tactics as you encounter them.
Most of the time, folks don’t fit conveniently into distinct categories. There are many dimensions of personality, and many different degrees of personality and character disturbance. Also, having certain personality traits doesn’t necessarily define one’s personality and many persons can have certain dominant traits while still possessing traits that typically belong to a different personality type.
All that said, it’s not clear from what you say that you’re necessarily talking about covert-aggression. By definition, C-A acts are carefully veiled attempts to exert power and control over others without appearing overtly dominance-seeking. So, such acts are inherently manipulative, and folks who engage in such acts regularly and with a fair degree of intensity as a primary means of dealing with their environment define themselves as a predominantly C-A personality. My new book “Character Disturbance” goes into a lot more depth about the factors that shape various personality styles.
I have recently been accused of being a manipulator, which came as a shock to me, I have never consciously set out to get my own way, have accepted no for an answer, never thrown tantrums if i dont get what I want, am always open to critisism, at least thats what I thought. I’ve been reading your comments and can see how my behaviour in some instenses may have been manipulative. I am torn between thinking OMG am I really like that and aren’t we all a little like that from time to time. I am 55 years old and need to know if the person I have always believed I was, actualy exists. I dont want to be a manipulator of anyone or anything, if this is who I am, how do I change this?
As I describe in the book, most died-in-the-wool manipulators know exactly what they’re doing and why. But even relatively healthy or neurotic individuals are capable of some unconscious acts of manipulation. And while such folks aren’t the subject of my writings, they are often made out to be so by aggressive personality types who use demonization and subtle shaming and guilt-tripping as tools to keep others in line. Best to carefully examine which side of the neurotic-character disordered spectrum best describes your personality before getting too upset about any small missteps you might have made.
My father is 89 years old and nearly blind due to macular degeneration. He is also covert aggressive. I had no idea until my mother died 10 years ago and I became his caregiver. It has been hell. (Thank you for your book Dr. Simon – it validated the feelings that I had and gave me something to call this misery.)
I have tried to tell my brother and sister about this but they don’t believe me and now Dad has turned them against me. Plus, Dad has the added level of sympathy due to his age and infirmity. Add to that a daughter who has always believed that you take care of your parents in their old age. Disaster. In order to save myself, I have to walk away. Very hard.
Thanks for your comment and for the endorsement of my work.
In your second book, Character Disturbance, you talk about “impression management”. You expressed that CAs manage others’ impressions of them so that they are always looked upon favorably. They hide their covert intentions.
My father (CA) also manages an unfavorable impression between those around him. In other words, I had a poor impression of my brother, my sister, my mother and they had a poor impression of me. Because we didn’t particularly like each other, but didn’t realize that Dad was the source of our impressions of each other, we always looked favorably upon my Dad. None of use ever imagined that he was the one creating the ill feelings between us.
Dr. Simon, do you find this type of impression management in other CAs that you’ve treated?
Impression management is generally a tool of the disturbed character to keep others in a position to falsely judge their character. It’s not very common for the disturbed character to take impression management a step further by manipulating others into forming false impressions of others, too, as a way of reinforcing the overall perspective they want others to have not only of themselves but of everyone, so that they don’t stand out by contrast as the problem characters they are. Still, these folks will do whatever they have to do to gain advantage, including advantage in image.
Wow! I’ve read “In Sheep’s Clothing” and used it to recognize the CA and change my response to his tactics. During a recent family visit, I noticed the trash-talking of another relative. It’s really rather subtle, but I was focused on keeping my mouth closed as much as possible and really listening to the manipulator. Now that I think on it, there was always trash talk about others, I figured it was his way of building up his own ego. Now I understand it for what it really is – another tool in the manipulation toolbox. I do know that if I confronted this person about what he says, I would be be met w/a look of innocence and denial (been there, done that!). This personality disorder has so many facets!!
Thanks for the comment, Nancy. I hope the insights keep coming!
I just finished “In Sheep’s Clothing” and found it to be very reaffirming concerning my mother-in-law’ s covert aggressive behavior. She reminds me so much of the father (in the book) who wants his daughter to get straight “A’s” in school because he “cares so much.” My mother-in-law recently told me that my daughter has learning disabilities because I don’t discipline her enough. All of her “advice” is so critical and hurtful and is presented under the guise of “caring so much.” Really, she has her own agenda and if you don’t do what she says or question her you’re being disrespectful. The only problem is that my husband buys into this “deeply caring” defense as well. She tells me if she didn’t care so much she just wouldn’t say anything. She also says that it’s cultural and that she’s 72 and “not going to change.” It is very difficult to hear these nasty criticsms and unfortunately I fall under some of the personality characteristics of a neurotic personality so I am prime bait. I’m thinking I just want to run away with my kids but it makes me so sad to think of my kids having a broken home. Unsure about what I’m going to do but thank you so much for opening my eyes and helping me realize that I’m not crazy.
Thanks so much for sharing and for your kind words about my work. Glad you don’t feel crazy anymore!
I have a 32 yr old daughter that attracts this personality type. She recently got out of a painful 6 yr relationship and now is dating a new man that has all these same tendencies. He’s just a new face with the same game, charming, overly willing to do the heavy chores, cooking dinner, volunteers to run errands. They’ve only known each other a few weeks and now he’s dropping hints he’s ready to get married! Any suggestions as to how to open her eyes so history isn’t repeated again? I see the manipulations clearly as do my grandchildren 10 & 12 yrs old.
I just read your book and after years of dealing with my alcoholic/covert-agressive husband, I’m finally seeing the light. Without going into it, I’ve experienced the most covert manipulation tatics for 16 years-Just recently seeing it for what it is. I always thought it was the alcoholism, but he wasn’t a daily drinker and could even go weeks without using so I was very confused to say the least….but after entering al-anon for myself and cornering him into going to treatment, I see it’s so much more. He went through treatment and played the “game”…we did counseling and he used all my vulnerabilities in counseling against me (as well as the TWO very respected, very experienced counselors)….now he’s out of the house and is befriending my new friends and is appearing to be such the pitiful man, who just wants his family back. He looks good to everyone else. I even told my family that if they continued a relationship with him, I cold not have one with them. I believe he uses info. he gains from my friends and family against me to try to control me. I’ve filed for legal separation and fear he’s going to get more and more ruthless as this goes on….as usual, he says one thing and does another, but he does it in such a slippery way…he’s smart enough not to put things in email and I fear I’m not savy enough to deal with him. I started school so I could afford to raise my kids, but it’s hard to get him out of my head, especially when I find out the things he’s doing…ie talking with new neighbor asking him to look out for me and the kids…I had told him I liked our new neighbors very much and was becoming friendly with them…So my work is suffering b/c I struggle with the stress and mental energy wasted on him. Al-anon has helped a ton, and I’m still “working my program” because I know it can work in this situation as well. But we’re told to know the tactics used and be on gaurd all the time….but that is REALLY EXHAUSTING! I think I’m almost out of my fantasy world of hoping he’ll change, I just know I’ve done a lot of changing in the past 3 years and that I must continue if I want to stay sane! I’ve almost checked myself into an institution b/c it is so very crazy…they make you feel like you’re the crazy one. He once said of his mother when we first met (I had no idea what he meant) that she was in a chess game with me and I didn’t know I was playing….he learned from the master I suppose.
Keep working your program! In the end, for all else that they are, these programs are character-development programs. You will need to become yet even stronger. He will need to become much more honest. But remember, his program is for him. Yours is for you. Stay with it and don’t forget to recognize and reinforce yourself!
Wow, As I continue to read these stories, I feel a since of comfort that Im not alone. ( Even though I would not wish dealing with these people on anyone). This has been a very had lesson learned. Very painful. I loved this man so much and really wanted him to be all that I thought. I can’t express it in words. I just keep my faith in God that I will be ok, My daughter will have a happy exciting life free of this individuals negativity and I pray that I will find someone who can really contribute to my life in a positive way.
I have just discovered what my sister-in-law (SIL) (my husband’s sister) has been up to, most likely a good part of her life, since she bullied her brother (my husband) from the start, but always covertly. There are no other siblings, and for my husband, it’s always been his normal. We met about 20 years ago. To begin with, the SIL was very charming, but then I went against something she wanted to do when we got married and I saw her face change, and since then it has been a nightmare. About 10 years ago, I wrote a letter to her stating we had tried to get along but it was better to have a break. She called it hatemail, and harassed my husband the whole time that I had refused to see her. Then we had our son. The SIL does not have any children and didn’t seem to want one, until we had one. Now she wants our son. She acts as if it’s hers. Up until the time I realized that my SIL is a covert-aggressor, narcissist – textbook, I had a hard time convincing my husband that it was too much. Now that my son is 9 and doesn’t want to go on playdates with his 56 year old aunt, it’s getting tricky. She always wants to have “alone” time with my son, and my husband’s family thought it was nice that they have time together, but I thought it was creepy. Now she has her husband asking for alone time (just a scripted request from his wife, I’m sure). In any event, now that I know what she’s capable of, I’ve told my son that his aunt is a bully, her mind doesn’t work the same as most, and that she wants to get only what she wants. I’m just concerned – have I done enough. Should I just wait the couple of years until he’s too old to play and wants to play more with his friends. She probably sees him about every two weeks but just for a day. I feel very vindicated now and have just made a conscious decision to remove myself as much as absolutely possible. My husband is willing to help out more, as he is starting to understand what she is doing, and has probably done for many, many years. Their parents are in their eighties, and my husband is trying just to keep the peace as much as possible for his parents’ sake. I wish I had known what she was like at the outset, but then with a covert-aggressor, I guess that’s difficult.
I fell upon this subject yesterday searching on exreamly insecure people. I read the Wolf In Sheep’s clothing article and ordered the book. I have been married for 15 years and there has been no level of intimacy for 11 of those years. I had a pretty traumatic childhood that left a lot of scars including PTSDS which was confirmed during the last year I have been working with a professional. About a year ago my wife announced she didn’t love me anymore and by the way I have been having an affair with my ex boyfriend and I love him. Obviously I was devastated and having real fear of abandonment etc all the usual scars from a tough childhood, I begged and begged to get back together and took all the blame this is all my fault. We worked over the last year to put this back together but now my wife wants a divorce. Again I fought this because this is against my faith and also because we have two kids that I adore. Long story short, I felt in my gut there was just something wrong. No sex for 11 years, no way ever to get her to help with budgets and all the normal stuff healthy relationships need to thrive. Because of my background, my wife always used this to re-enforce I was the messed up one. But nothing made sense to me. My mother was bi-polar and my dad was very damaged by that. However, he met someone after he divroced from my mother and turned out to be a pretty great dad in the end. So at least I had experience with what was normal and what wasn’t. When I met my wife, I recognized I was pretty messed up emotionally and went and got help. I was pretty balanced when I finished the first round of therapy and was looking forward to a happy marriage with my dream mate who by all appearance came from a secure and happy family. Boy did I get this wrong. My gut feeling and intuition just kept pounding me that something was just not right and I stayed at work most of the time because I found respect and love with the small team I managed. I realized just how important this was when we met again recently at a wedding and then wham, it hit me. Why the heck didn’t my wife see me as all of my friends and co-workers do. I was a completely different person at work than at home because I couldn’t do anything right at home according to my wife but everywhere else I didn’t seem to have that problem. As I kept searching and searching, yesterday I finally came up with the answer after being able to corrolate all of the personality traits and tie them to my wife’s behavior. We went to marriage counceling a year ago and I walked out when my wife completely lied and was getting really sick of the selective memory. I thought I was going nuts. Our councilor took my wife’s side because of the manipultive tactics she used and even got my councilor to believe she was balanced. This is such an unusual problem I think unless you are with them every day, you just can’t see it for what it is. I am 100% sure now and last night I could tie many many things I experienced back to her behavior. I knew she was an issue because I react the same way to other people I have met that are manipulators since this is how my mother and father used to control me. So…instead of trying to hold this together I am going to make a stand and either she gets help or she gets out. I want her to get help because I already see her doing this with my kids especially my daughter who is insecure and fights with her. The kids seem to sense something is up because as I have gotten stronger and by the way, am really better, which of course means she is now changing her tactics and using threats of divorce because she knows I will try to avoid this at all cost. I am so upset that I didn”t figure this out more than a year ago because she has also destroyed us financially with her control over me because I didn’t or couldn’t stand up to her and say NO. Thanks to everyone that contributed to this site, you might just have saved another life that was less than it should have been. I did all the right things to provide for my family and never said no but got little or nothing for it from my wife. I just couldn’t ‘understand till now she was incapable of loving me because she was incapable of feeling what this meant to me. It was like being punched in the gut when I read this the second time and it fuly sunk in that I have been trying to gain the respect and love of someone who is not capable of providing this.
Dr. Simon’s book has just arrived and I read quite a bit of it yesterday. It validates what I have been feeling for many years. I felt no anger when I read the book, as it just made sense to me, rather than the shock of what my S-I-L had been doing, especially when she was being nice to me. Well, that’s the end of her games with me. I’m looking forward to the holidays this year, because I know I can just enjoy myself and laugh to myself as she tries her games. This is what my friends and family had told me to do through the years, but I was still trying to figure things out. I appreciate that many people will have a much harder time, and that I can imagine the aha moment comes at different stages for different people, but I do know that I can begin to look only forward or at least only savour the good memories of others around me. Thank you, Dr. Simon.
Thank you for your kind words and endorsement. I hope each day takes you farther down the path of greater empowerment.
Dr Simon,
Thanks for bringing this to the forefront. I got in to another discussion last night and have shared my suspicions with my wife. Of course she hand waved it all alway and she thinks I am nuts. As I got pulled in on an emotional level due to frustration because she just cannot shift from the direction she want’s to drive this. I felt myself thinking going, maybe she is ok and is getting better, which obviously I want most in the world. Bit sad really. However, when I wasn’t in an emotional state, I used the logic test and put the pieces of what she said in order. Again, there was direct conflict with what she was saying and the truth. She also brought up my past misdeads as the reasons she was doing what she is doing but the actions that happened do not match the logic or timing being used to defend her position. Selective memory that when challenged, gets an “ok your right” and then takes the offence by trying to put me on the defence again. Does this sound familiar? It is clear to me, that me standing up for myself finally is really bothering her. She doesn’t like it and it’s clear to me she doesn’t like who I am becoming as I get stronger.
From your experience, does this scenario sound all too familiar?
No one likes it when the way they’ve been going about getting the things they want works anymore. That goes for either party in a relationship. Nobody likes to have to re-assess and re-design strategies. But to develop character, one has to claim responsible principles and set “terms of engagement” that are fair, value-based, and and respectful. This is not easy, but it’s what a life of character is all about.
Dr Simon,
Thanks. Funny enough, I get it and even though I am very upset for not finding this out sooner and the damage it did to me. I plan to take the high road as you said but the terms of engagement from this point forward are going to be mine to set. Otherwise I open myself to more damage. I have no intention of hurting her or my kids or I become what I am facing it to. My plan is to be fair but not to be destroyed more that she has already done to me and my family. I will be respectful now since my frustration will not be there because I think I was dealing with someone I believed had the same values, morals and sense of fair play which is a corner stone of my character. I read your post on the character vs. neurotic personality. I was clearly the neurotic one but my treatment helped me to address the root causes which I was not really aware of on an emotional basis even if I knew on an intellectual basis. As I said, I kept searching and guessing and today when I read your piece on the difference between the neurotic and the character the bells started ringing an I took immediate action to protect myself from further damage. She is a classic case of the character disordered person. I even sent a lot of e-mails lately trying to get her to understand what I believed. Treated with total scorn, rejection resentment and anger. She is using these as the reason to justify what she has decided. I knew the risk when I sent these but an inner force kept pushing me to understand what the heck was going on. I have never been around a more cold hearted person in my life. In spite of all of this I still find it hard to believe as you have said. I now now I can get past this, stay centered and move on with my life as hard as that is to deal with on an emotional level because inspite of all of this, I think I was the loving one.
I couldn’t believe that my only sibling could be manipulating me all along. When our parents died fairly young, we promised to always look out for one another. Never realizing her acts of kindness were not kindness at all but just a way of manipulating.
She once said, I never used anyone in my life. Looking back there hasn’t been one person she hasn’t used. People drop in and out of her life all the time; unfortunately all have dropped out of her life with great monetary or emotional damage.
She wants to spend time alone with me to get into my head, always talking about someone else. No one in her life is sacred. When she tells me how unfair the system is or how terrible someone is I just change the subject.
Thank you Dr. Simon. I ran across your book by accident, I felt uncomfortable as though there was something wrong but I couldn’t put my figure on it, so I began goggling terms, such as liar, two face, manipulator……… finally, found a Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing and there is my sibling standing right in front of me all along. This has been a rude awaking, you can change your friends, even your spouse, but not your relative.
The question is what to do now?
Dear Dr. Simon, You have given me a great gift today! I have literaly allowed my life to be destroyed by the “PACMans”. Passive-Aggressive-Covert-MANipulators. My late dad, my 23 year wife, daughter, preacher that slept with my wife, rebound relationships, etc. But the biggest detroyer of them all has been my brother. I am in complete awe of how stupid I have been and how accurate you are. I feel as if a great light out of heaven has finaly delivered the answer I have sought for all my life. “What’s wrong with me God? I am trying so desparetly hard to make life work, be honest, generious, helpful, kind, patient, yet look at what I have to show for it.” Dr. Simon, I am currently living in a potatoe chip van, in by brothers back yard. I have no plumbing, an extention cord for power, no job, (and haven’t seen any money in my pocket in 6 months), no car, I could go on and on about the dispairity of my plight and how it came to this, but the bottom line is my “PACMan” brother has trapped me and bled me for all I’m worth and still he demands more. I don’t know what I will do to get out, but I’m sure now, I am not devloping mental illness and that it isn’t my fault (other than ignorance). It will be a fresh, new, safe and prosperous life for me, from here on. Thank you, 10K times, Tom.
You’re most welcome. Let’s hope the new year is one of empowerment and fulfillment for you.
Thanks Dr Simon.
I bought both your books and they have been very helpful. I recommend them to others.
After being completely stung and used by a covert aggressive, I was shattered. It was the inexplicable, irrational 180° turn they performed to near kick me when I was down.
I could not reconcile the treachery with the “gentle, timid, hurting soul” who had welcomed my help.
On reading “In Sheep’s clothing” the puzzle pieces lined up for the first time and I stopped agonizing, searching for the explanation. It was a masterful act all along. Now from a distance I see this same individual doing similar devious ploys on others. The powerful impression of “I’m helpless and don’t know what to do”….impression management commencing. Sucker in cross hairs….
I should have been wise to the last days when this individual was close to tears in my presence, relating how cold it was getting as winter approached and that there was no firewood due for weeks. I offered immediately to prepare and provide a small supply and did exactly that, day by day for a week, hand cut timbers, hours of work. I noticed a satisfied smirk in response, a brief thanks but it was the smirk, now I think of it. The triumphant smirk, brief. Almost like Rhoda in “The Bad Seed”. That was only a week prior to circumstances that saw a parting of friendship, though nothing ill was done towards this person by myself. Bloated tick jumped to another dog.
It is great to be free of the manipulation. Dr Simon’s books have provided excellent guidance. What I like most is they do not indulge in excusing these individuals. Also good to reflect personally about “do I resort to these tactics myself?”. I try to be above it, as a result. And double wary, as a result.
I feel so stunned after reading about the covert-aggressive person. It describes my sister. Yet I keep thinking “it can’t be, it can’t be, I love her so much.” Every time these kinds of things happen she stomps off and I am left so bereft. But when she comes back it’s like “What?, I never did or said that,” or she screams so loud and fast I can’t get in a word or defend myself. I used to be able to when I was young but now I feel too tired.
I have been unemployed for almost four years. I work under the table, have a $900 mortgage, am divorced and on food stamps. Most most I barely scrape up enough to pay the mortgage. I have no health insurance, termites in house, mass in kidney. Things are rough now. Several months ago my car finally died. I have relied on occasional rides from friends to get groceries. My sister has helped me here and there which I deeply appreciate and have told her. Many times she has been so awesomely kind and supportive. She has worked for the state for 20 years, earns good money but complains constantly about being broke. She says she has credit card debt but blames her fiance. One time I helped her write a budget but they never used it. I have recently mangaged to save up enough to get a cheap used car. I also was going to use the money to go to pharmacy technician school, a certificate. She is very emotional about her possessions, especially her car. It needed work and then it barely ran due to bad clutch and she was beside herself. Now her fiancee has a car and there is also a third car, but it needs a water pump. I asked if I could fix it, buy it and drive it but he said no. I dont think I am entitled to people’s cars even if they are laying around not being used. She was just ballistic about her car not running well, furious, she had to have it fixed immediately. Her fiancee found a garage run by some friends at night and she took it there. The next days she insisted I give her part of my money for her car repair, saying, all they take is cash. She was furious when I refused and accused me of being selfish and how could I owed her money already, she had always helped me and they only took cash. She said she would write me a check right away when she got back. I gave it to her and when she came back she said had no checks. Next it was “you have to wait until payday”. You get the picture. It is 300 am in the morning. I am at her house because I rode down with her from her job (which was in her car which is running) because she had promised to write me a check and take me to look at a car. I cried my eyes out. Scewed again. On the way down she yelled at me about all the missed opportunities I had blown and I could of refinanced my house a long time ago and not been in such a financial state. She is under such pressure, and her credit card bills are high and her car is running rough and it is not all about you blah, blah, blah.” When I was younger I used to have the strength and energy to fight her. I just dont anymore. I cant sleep, I am going crazy, it keeps ringing in my head “she has f–cked you over for the last time.” What really rips me up is after horrible comments and nasty words and screaming by her she trips blithly off to bed. I once asked her how do you sleep after all that. She replied ‘well I just tell myself, it is not my fault.”
It is 3:00 am, I cannot sleep, I was supposed to do some piece work for money and I am so anxious and upset I did not do it, how the hell do I get my money? I probably will get it eventually but it just rips me to pieces what I go through and she is like “I have done nothing wrong.” The pain she causes. I trusted her. I get so upset I can’t even be assertive or defend myself. This is last time she is going to get me. I need to get away from her and find good people to be close to but it is not easy, I am just not close to anyone else. And her? She accuses me of holding a grudge and being nasty, no matter how many times I try and say I am not holding a grudge but I am trying to heal up from your actions. I try and tell her I just cant take it anymore but she simply hangs yup, deletes the email. She has rarely respected my boundaries, despite being asked thousands of times…I could go on, but you get the picture. I am stranded. No car, no school and she just gets this little brittle laugh or mutters something stupid to herself like ‘oh I think I am low on half and half or my goodness is it that late already?”.
Is she a covert-personality? I just want to scream, I am screwed, no car, no school, I live 5 miles from the nearest grocery store. I cant believe she got me again. And when I try and stay away I get so lonely for her and she always acts like “you are so messed up and petty and vindictive for staying away from me.” “I did nothing wrong”. You know this is hurting really bad, but I know God will get me through it and never, never, never am I going to get involved in any plot, plan, deal, idea with her EVER again. I have been down this road so many times. She even tried to get me to buy a big junky truck so she could use it to pick up free furniture off of craigs list because she has a little car. Now I dont mind loaning a junky truck for a sibling to use to pick up stuff. BUT I do not want to own a junky truck as my only vehicle. You should of heard her, on and on, oh yes you can, you dont need a regular car, I have always helped you, blah, blah, blah. I finally said “look: you buy a trashy heap and park it in front of your house.” She hung up the phone.
I could go on. And she always says to me “it is not me, everyone at works loves me, I get along so well.” “you need therapy, I am ever so much better, I went for five years.” I never said anything but I honestly dont see a scrap of change. i went with her once and she told the therapist how she disliked me and did not see how my boyfriend at the time could stand me and…I have to stop… But I hate to say all this talk because it is mean and cruel to say that about your sibling.
I dont know if you can answer me, it is very late here, but I need to ask you, she really does know? It’s not just her way of asking? I ask this with tears streaming down my face.
I’ll let the readers weigh in before making some comments of my own.
Finding it hard to accept that C-A people know what they’re doing is one of the main reasons manipulations work. And when you’re of the mindset that most people’s motivations are unconscious, you don’t stop to think about why they’re changing tactics or that they might even be using the tactic of feigning total ignorance or innocence when they do change tactics. People who ignore the input of others (e.g., repeated emails attesting to your concerns) and plow ahead with their agendas are by definition aggressive in their modi operandi; and when they’re quiet and subtle and devious as they go about it, they’re by definition C-A.