Occasionally, I get asked questions by blog readers that reflect the degree to which commonly accepted explanations for human behavior actually help make matters worse for people in relationships with disturbed characters.  Here is an example:

I am in love with someone I believe must be a “commitment phobic.” I am not a psychologist nor am I in the medical field. But when my boyfriend flipped out on me for no apparent reason, I knew something must be wrong with him.

My boyfriend always wears sunglasses and has about ten pairs of them. He won’t even go into certain establishments with out them, even if wearing sunglasses is prohibited. I believe he must do this because he is afraid to make direct eye contact with people. He also avoids certain social situations, so perhaps he is socially phobic as well. I think he must be uncomfortable in a group of people he doesn’t know.

Now, my boyfriend has, on many occasions, especially while under the influence, told me that he loves me and wants to marry me. Yet, when I remind him, of this and suggest that we actually do it, he becomes angry.  He says things to insult me and hurt my feelings.  I don’t understand this because he can be so sweet, caring and playful. It’s really confusing. Every time we start to get close, he sabotages it. I believe what he does and not what he says, so I don’t let the things that he says bother me so much. However, I also believe that I am letting him take control of my life. I thought it out and have decided to confront him with what I believe his problem is. I feel if I tell him that I know he’s being mean to me because of his underlying fears and insecurities, perhaps I can take the control away and he’ll stop because he’ll know that it’s not affecting me. But then again I fear that it might make him go deeper into his shell and never speak to me again. That’s where I need your advice. Do you think that I should tell him?

I replied in the following manner:

One of the tools of personal empowerment I’ve written about in prior posts and which is expounded upon in my book In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US is to judge actions, not Intentions. You need to be really cautious about making interpretations about what you think have to be the “underlying reasons” for your boyfriend’s inappropriate behavior. You have already conjectured that your boyfriend has a fear or “phobia” of commitment that causes him to “sabotage” things when you start to “get close.” Such presumptions and interpretations have often been among the reasons people allowed themselves to enter or stay in abusive relationships. But in fact there numerous other reasons that can prompt an individual to behave in an abusive, narcissistic and exploitive manner, not all of which are rooted in insecurity or fear.  Instead of kidding yourself and maintaining the “illusion” of control by thinking you have the power to know and expose your partner’s motives and therefore take away his “reasons” for his dysfunctional behavior, take actual control of your own life by setting limits, expectations, enforcing boundaries, and most especially by paying attention to people’s behavior as the best predictor of what they will do in the future.

In my soon to be released book, Character Disturbance, I explain how some of the most commonly accepted perspectives on human behavior actually set people up for victimization in their relationships.  The book is set for wide release by Parkhurst Brothers at the end of July.