I have only recently realized that my elderly father is a covert-aggressive personality.  I spent so many years hating myself and feeling that others didn’t like me, including family members.  Knowing how I’d been duped has been a really hard realization to come to.  I always thought I had the “Leave it to Beaver life” yet I was never happy.  But I thought it was me, or my mother, or anyone but my Dad who was the problem.  Somehow, he always came out “smelling like a rose”.  I almost divorced my husband because of him and his manipulations.   When my Mom died, my Dad wanted me and wanted my husband gone from his life.  I spent many sleepless nights trying to figure all this out and I’m not sure I understand it completely even now.  I have to read and re-read Dr. Simon’s book to remind me what has happened to me and how it happened.  I know the truth about him now, yet I find it easy to blame myself.  My question is, if I confront a my Dad, covert aggressive personality that he is, with the facts as outlined in Dr. Simon’s book, would he see himself?  Would he know that I’ve “got it” with respect to what he’s really like or would he look at me like I’m crazy?

Perhaps this woman did not read or possibly didn’t understand some points I made in my book In Sheep’s Clothing about covert-aggressive personalities generally being much more character-disturbed than neurotic and how different disturbed characters are from neurotics with respect to the level of insight they have about themselves.  So, in part I replied this way:

If your dad is the kind of personality I describe in my book, the likelihood is that he already sees himself just fine.  And, if he looks at you like you’re crazy when you confront him, it’s more than likely a tactic to keep you under control.  So, it’s far more important that resist trying to get him to see things and simply take charge of your own life by setting firm limits with respect to his involvement in your affairs.

On March 31st, Parkhurst Brothers will release a brand new edition of In Sheep’s Clothing, already a 15-year international bestseller.  On June 30th, Parkhurst will also release Character Disturbance, my new book on all of the problem characters that can make your life difficult.  Both books point out that when it comes to covert-aggressive personalities or any other disturbed character, “they already see, they just disagree.”  That is, they know what they’re doing and why they’re doing it and they know how other people want them to behave. They simply refuse to do things differently and use various tactics to manipulate others into backing down or backing off.  My new book goes into much greater depth about this and explains how not to get caught up in the trap of trying to get them “to see.”

Dear Dr.Simon,

Thank you for your blog articles on Disturbed Characters. I just got out of a relationship with someone who I believe to have a character disorder. Often he would play the victim in everything that had happened to him (even when something that happened was clearly his fault). He was very manipulative, and aggressive at times as well. When we first started dating, I misinterpreted everything he did, thinking that he was really the victim of many unfortunate events, I would almost pity him, and the things that happened to him. My family noticed a change in me, and only put up with him because they knew I loved him, and we were engaged to be married next year. I would often be blamed for the things he did, whether it meant he got too aggressive and hurt me (he would blame it on the fact that I might take a stance that “looked like” I was about to attack him).  Inevitably it would end up being my fault for all of his short comings and problems. Although I can not completely understand some of this, I can relate to it, finding certain things in his behavior which lead for me to look up these series of articles. A lot of the things mentioned in these articles fits him very well. I am just glad to know that it wasn’t me causing all of his problems, and it wasn’t entirely my fault for the downfall of our relationship.

Again, thanks for the blog posts.  I’m looking forward to the release of your new book.

Dorothy’s comments are typical of emails and notes I receive every week.  It heartens me to know that the material I’ve been posting is helpful to people trying to understand the disturbed characters in their lives.

I’ll continue to post articles addressing various issues related to character disturbance.  I’m also pleased to announce that after many unavoidable delays, Parkhurst Brothers Publishers will be putting my new book Character Disturbance into wide release in July of this year.  This book is the culmination of many years of dealing with the many different personalities whose character defects are so pronounced that they bring misery, pain, and hardship into the lives of many.  Naturally, I will continue to post articles on all my blogs.  These blog posts will complement my new book Character Disturbance and help you deal with the disturbed characters in your lives.

I am a 21-year-old female, and I have a 19-year-old boyfriend. We have been together a little over 7 months. We are also in a long-distance relationship at the moment until he can get his financial situation sorted out and come to be with me. I love my boyfriend, but I have noticed some things about him and the way he acts that are little red flags to me about possible problems. These are things that I want to help him overcome, but I’m not sure how to do that. The biggest problem I see in our relationship is my boyfriend’s extreme jealousy and insecurity. When we first began dating, he wasn’t showing these signs as strongly, but he would tell other guys who tried talking to me that I was his girl, and he felt jealous if they spoke to me.  My boyfriend has told me the reason why he is so protective is because he’s afraid that if other guys talk to me or if I even speak to them just to say “Hello” that he will lose me to the other guy because he thinks they are better than he is. I’ve told him numerous times that I’m not interested in other guys and I only want him, but the same issue repeatedly comes up. I have a close guy friend that I have been the best of friends with for over 6 years, and he and I have absolutely no sexual past or relationship. Yet whenever my friend and I hang out, my boyfriend gets extremely jealous, argumentative, insecure, and picks a fight with me. I don’t think it’s fair that I can’t hang out with one of my close friends without my boyfriend getting as wound up as he does. He hangs out with a lot of his own friends, some of whom are girls, and I have no problem with it because I’m not a jealous or insecure person. When he gets angry and argumentative, I feel he doesn’t necessarily trust me when I want to hang out with my friends. I wish there was something I could do to help him, but I feel like no matter how many times I reassure him that I want him and only him, it will never fully sink in. I love him, but I cannot continue our relationship the way it is because we constantly fight, and there appears no solution to this issue. When I try and speak to him about it, he only shrugs it off and is only worried about apologizing and making things better, rather than figuring out why we were fighting in the first place and how to fix it. I am hoping that I can find something to help with his insecurities and jealousy because with all the fighting I am beginning to be lose my attraction towards him.

My answer:

You say that you have no problem with your boyfriend hanging out with others because you are “not a jealous or insecure person.” So, you would naturally buy into the idea (as expressed by your boyfriend) that insecurity and jealousy must be the underlying reason for his possessiveness. But this does not have to be the case at all, and your gut is telling you there is a “red flag” for something else potentially more destructive in this relationship.  Most of the time, it’s best not to rationalize but to heed your gut instincts. There are many, many reasons for the possessiveness your boyfriend displays, not all of which are rooted in insecurity and low self-esteem. I have posted other articles on this and written about it extensively both in my book In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US] and my soon to be released book Character Disturbance. And even if that were the issue, it’s your boyfriend’s responsibility — not yours — to resolve it.  You want to understand and help. That’s honorable, but such a willingness also makes you vulnerable to someone who wants to play on your sympathies in order to manipulate and control you. You should set some firm limits with your boyfriend before getting any deeper in this relationship.

In the coming weeks, I’ll be posting more articles like this one, featuring questions from people all over the world who have sought out my expertise and some of whom have found new hope and understanding after reading my book and other writings.

Understanding the erroneous thinking patterns of disturbed characters is important because the ways in which they tend to think greatly influence the attitudes and core beliefs they form as well as the kinds of behaviors they’re most likely to exhibit. Erroneous thinking almost always leads to problematic behavior.

In my book, In Sheep’s Clothing, I make the point that just how sincerely an individual really believes the twisted ways they sometimes think varies considerably. Sometimes, underneath it all an individual really knows better — but they will still do their best to convince you that they really hold a belief in order to make themselves look better or to justify behavior they know you and others have a problem with. Sometimes, however, they really do hold the distorted beliefs that they tout. In such cases, confronting dysfunctional ways of thinking and facilitating their correction can be a real challenge.

The last thinking error I’d like to present in this series is one that I label “circumstantial thinking.” Persons with disturbed characters like to think that things in life “just happen” to them or others. They don’t like to think in terms of cause and effect relationships with respect to the decisions they make about how to manage their lives. So, when people of good character manage to earn good fortune, the envious, disturbed character attributes it to “blind luck.” When the consequences of his own irresponsible conduct fall upon the disordered character, he attributes it to “just one of those things,” the corrupt system, or the ill motives of others. Disordered characters don’t like to think that behavior has consequences, and they certainly don’t like to examine their own motives. In the mind of the disturbed character, “shit happens.” Among criminal personalities, there is an acronym “OTLTA” that reflects their common thinking that one thing simply led to another whenever they’re challenged about their motivations for committing criminal acts. It’s their way of revealing the fact that they don’t give much focus to the series of choices they’ve made, but rather see their behavior and its consequences as the inevitable result of a snowball rolling out of control and becoming too massive to stop.  Circumstantial thinking (i.e., not thinking about one’s motives for engaging in behaviors, one’s internal decision-making process, and the consequences of one’s choices, but rather telling oneself that things simply happen) is the thinking error most responsible for the development of a socially irresponsible attitude.

There are indeed some times when fate plays the major role in life’s circumstances.  Sometimes, things simply happen. Tornadoes, floods, earthquakes, happen without warning.  But such events are rare occurrences.  And responsible people know that, for the most part, when it comes to the major issues of life, more often circumstances are shaped by the choices a person makes.  Paying attention to those choices and taking care to make the best possible choice regardless of the circumstances is what sound character is all about.

Persons with disturbed characters are unique individuals who are often quite difficult to live or work with. Some prior posts have explored just what a disturbed character is and how these folks differ from most, especially those commonly thought of as “neurotic” to some degree.  Knowing how such individuals tend to think can help anyone understand them better because how we think about things in large measure determines how we will act, and disturbed characters often act in ways that create big problems for relationships and for society in general.

Because an immature or impaired conscience is a hallmark feature of the disturbed character, such characters have a diminished capacity to experience genuine guilt over actions or intended actions that injure others. So when they’re thinking about doing something, disordered characters rarely think about how their actions might affect others or possibly transgress ethical or moral boundaries. To the degree that they might have at least some rudimentary conscience, they’re able to quickly and effectively block out thoughts of right and wrong when they’re seriously contemplating how to get something they want. Not caring enough about how their behavior might impact someone else, they simply give the rightness or wrongness of their plans no serious consideration. They might very well know that others would view their behavior as wrong, but they can still make excuses and “justify” their wrongful acts with ease. Over time, this guiltless way of thinking promotes a pervasive attitude of irresponsibility.

Disordered characters also have a deficient sense of shame.  They almost never think of how some action of theirs might negatively reflect the kind of person they are. This is such an important point because it could easily be said that a key feature of the most disordered individuals is that they neither care enough nor think enough about how their patterns of behavior reflect on their character.  What’s more, when disturbed characters do perceive that someone is judging them in a negative manner, they easily think that it’s the other person who has the problem. Some of the most severely disturbed characters might even count it as a badge of honor that they are not affected by the opinions of others and hold onto their grandiose and unrealistic self-images despite a track record of wreaking havoc in the lives of those they work or live with. Over time, their shameless thinking fosters the development of quite a brazen attitude.

Guilt is the bad feeling most of us have when we think we’ve done something wrong.  Shame is all about our feelings about ourselves as persons of worth.  When our patterns of behavior habitually cause problems and pain for others, most of us reflect upon or think about those behaviors with a sense of both shame and guilt.  We feel bad for doing wrong and strive not to do similar things again.  And, we feel ashamed of ourselves and vow to be better persons.  Disturbed and disordered characters don’t engage in this kind of thinking.  Lacking an appropriate sense of guilt, and without a sufficient sense of shame, they don’t engage in the same kind of reflective thinking that enables most of us to grow, change, and improve ourselves.

• “The Egomaniacal Thinking of the Disturbed Character”
• “Unreasonable Thinking”
• “Quick and Easy Thinking”

Some dysfunctional thinking patterns tend to cluster together, such as “irrelevant, external, and hard-luck” thinking.  Disordered characters also tend to think in another two ways that are often linked together: “Undaunted” and “Defiant” thinking.

Undaunted Thinking

Disturbed characters don’t allow adversity to lead them to question the ways they tend to look at things or the ways they tend to conduct themselves. Even though most of the problems they experience are the natural and logical consequences of their dysfunctional attitudes and behavior, they rarely allow themselves to think of their predicaments that way. Rather, they take pride in their determination to keep doing things as they prefer to do them no matter what happens as a result. If a relationship falls apart, they simply blame the other person and move on. If they run afoul of the law, they fault the “corrupt system” and become more resolute in their determination to beat it. They don’t allow themselves to think that maybe there’s something about the way they’re going about viewing and handling the trials of life that needs correction. Instead, they dig in their heels and harden their stance despite all objective evidence that their stance is ill-taken. Their habitual undaunted thinking leads to attitudes of belligerence and stubbornness.

Defiant Thinking

Disordered characters tenaciously cling to a core belief that they shouldn’t have to do anything they don’t want to do. They understand that rules exist and that most people chose to obey them, yet they are determined to make their own rules. They also know very well what others expect from them. Yet, they hate caving-in to the will of others or to the demands of society in general. They can bring themselves do something others want them to do when they agree with what is being asked of them or they anticipate personal gain, but they will not subordinate their wills to any “higher power” per se. Some researchers have observed that the most severely disordered characters have such a disgust for feeling obliged that they habitually refuse to accept social obligations. Their habitually defiant thinking breeds deep-seated attitudes of rebelliousness, disdain for authority, and antagonism toward duty. Such thinking makes it almost impossible to develop a sense of responsibility in the areas of civic, marital, and occupational relationships.

• “Unreasonable Thinking”
• “The Possessive Thinking of the Disturbed Character”
• “Having to Win: The Combative Thinking of the Disturbed Character”
• “Prideful Thinking”
• “Quick and Easy Thinking”

Disturbed characters don’t think about the rightness or wrongness of something when they see an opportunity for personal gain or profit. Their main concern is how they can exploit the weakness of person or take advantage of a situation for their own gain. They are quick to recognize an opportunity whenever it presents itself.  They’re also adept at subtly creating opportunities to abuse or exploit others.

Opportunistic thinking is one of the thinking errors that promotes the development of an antisocial attitude. To be sure, no one can be successful in life unless they are prepared for and willing to take advantage of opportunity when it presents itself.  But always looking for opportunities to profit personally without consideration of the impact on everyone else can be a very big problem.  One only needs to look at how greedy Wall Street executives took advantage of opportunities to reap spectacular profits while all the while knowing that the “bubble” would eventually burst and leave the economic well-being of the country in shambles to know how problematic the issue of opportunistic thinking really is.

We’re nearing the end of the series on the thinking errors common to disturbed characters.  When the current series is finished, we’ll begin a series on the problematic behaviors and tactics that result from such ways of thinking and which disturbed characters use to avoid responsibility and manipulate others.

]]> http://www.manipulative-people.com/oportunistic-thinking/feed/ http://www.manipulative-people.com/quick-and-easy-thinking/ http://www.manipulative-people.com/quick-and-easy-thinking/#comments Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:18:04 +0000 Dr. Simon http://www.manipulative-people.com/?p=64 I’ve been posting a series of articles describing the dysfunctional ways disturbed characters tend to think and how those distorted ways of thinking are responsible for many of the problems people experience in their relationships with such characters.  I have already outlined over a dozen major “thinking errors” common to individuals with disturbances of character. Some of these include prideful thinking, hedonistic thinking, and combative thinking:

• Prideful Thinking
• Hedonistic Thinking
• Having to Win: The Combative Thinking of the Disturbed Character

Perhaps one of the most insidious yet pervasive ways of thinking that disturbed characters frequently engage in is what I call “quick and easy” thinking. The disordered character is forever looking for shortcuts. That’s because such characters detest labor and effort, most especially the kind of effort commonly referred to as labors of love (i.e., investing time and energy in an endeavor primarily for the benefit of someone else or the long-term benefit of all). So, when they want something, disturbed characters frequently think about how they’ll get it the quick and easy way. Sometimes, they even think of it as a badge of honor if they manage to “con” somebody out of something instead of securing it legitimately through hard work. The disturbed character would much rather cheat than earn.

Always wanting something for nothing, disturbed characters expect to pay the least for the things in life that are worth the most. The most disordered characters among us will attempt to command “instant respect” at the point of a gun but won’t lift a finger to earn the genuine respect of society by developing their own characters and making a meaningful contribution to society. They want trust without being willing to habitually do the things that engender trust. In short, they want all sorts of things that have value but they’re simply not willing to pay for them.

Even though they detest work and effort, disturbed characters will sometimes expend energy, especially when they think there’s something in it for them, when they think the payoff will be relatively quick, or when they think their effort will allow them to take advantage of others. However, as I’ve stated numerous times in my workshops, in general, their attitudes toward labor and their desire for immediate reward only lead them to regard W-O-R-K as the most distasteful four-letter word. Their habitual ways of thinking and behaving in this area engenders a pervasive attitude of disrespect for the value of work and effort. Such attitudes allow them to view others who have worked hard and achieved as just plain “lucky” and no more worthy of respect than they are. These attitudes also make it easier for them to justify trying to take something they haven’t rightfully earned.

• “Unreasonable Thinking”
• “The Possessive Thinking of the Disturbed Character”
• “Having to Win: Combative Thinking and The Disturbed Character”
• “Prideful Thinking”

Disordered characters also are forever thinking about outcomes. For the most part, they are very goal-oriented individuals. That in itself is not so bad. The problem is that they don’t give much thought to how they’re going about getting the things they want. They tend to feel so entitled to have whatever they desire that they believe the ends always justifies the means they employ to secure their wishes. End-game thinking is like tunnel-vision. As long as a person confines his thinking solely to achieving a goal or effecting a certain outcome, he’s likely to give insufficient attention to the right or wrong way to go about it.

Because of their other characteristics, disordered characters will often con, cheat, steal, and manipulate to reach their objectives. The way they see it, if others are so gullible or so weak that they can be easily taken advantage of, they consider it a fair victory. After all, for the disturbed character, it’s all about winning.  What it takes to win and what it might end up costing are not considered.

End-game thinking is just one of the thinking errors that over time promotes the development of an antisocial attitude. Thinking only about what one wants and not giving enough thought to how it’s best to go about it or who might be impacted is a sure prescription for antisociality.

I discuss the erroneous ways disturbed characters tend to think in my book In Sheep’s Clothing and give the subject more in-depth treatment in my upcoming book Disturbances of Character.

• “Unreasonable Thinking”
• “The Possessive Thinking of the Disturbed Character”
• “Having to Win: The Combative Thinking of the Disturbed Character”
• “Prideful Thinking”

There are three problematic thinking patterns that tend to co-occur and keep the disturbed character from developing a sense of personal responsibility and accountability. I call these erroneous ways of thinking irrelevant thinking, external thinking, and hard-luck thinking.

When disordered characters engage in irrelevant thinking, they will often focus on the small, petty aspects of situations but ignore the most important things or the “big picture.” They’ll take issue with their boss, the government, or with their partners on trivialities while not paying attention to the things that really matter. They’ll get hung-up on a “technicality” or small inaccuracy while ignoring the larger truth. For example, they might complain that a highway patrolman claimed they were exceeding the speed limit by a much greater degree than they actually were, while totally ignoring the fact that they were driving recklessly and endangering others. Their habitual attention to things not really relevant leads them to develop attitudes of pettiness and thoughtlessness.

Disordered characters will also often direct negative attention toward things outside of their ability to control. They will brood about the actions or opinions of others and invest a lot of emotional energy in things they can’t realistically exercise power over. I call this kind of thinking external thinking. When things go wrong, disturbed characters don’t spend nearly enough time or energy thinking about changes they can make in their own behavior to make things better. Rather, they focus on external circumstances. They make what mental health professionals call external attributions with respect to the causality of events. That is, they ascribe the causality of (i.e., blame for) events to external sources which fuels their penchant for blaming others and circumstances — when they should be taking a hard look at themselves. This kind of thinking is frequently involved in the responsibility-avoidance tactic of blaming others (more about this in a series of posts to follow the current series). Focusing on external events and external factors breeds an attitude of irresponsibility as well as pessimistic and negative attitudes about the world.

Finally, I’ve counseled many a disordered character over the years prone to what I call hard-luck thinking. The disturbed character often sees himself as a victim of circumstances instead of a person responsible for his own choices, his own actions, and the consequences of those choices and actions. Disordered characters frequently sit on their “pity-pots,” feeling sorry for themselves and the “raw deals” they imagine they have been dealt in life. This kind of thinking leads them to develop attitudes of bitterness and resentment and is one of the reasons why they enter into relationships with a fairly substantial chip already on their shoulders.