I recently received a heartwarming email from a reader of my book In Sheep’s Clothing who, though grateful for the insights and tools the book gave him to survive a manipulative relationship, was still dealing with the emotional aftermath of one of the most difficult chapters in his life. One of the things that really impressed me about his plight was the degree of trauma and turmoil he was still undergoing, even after finally putting an end to the toxic relationship he endured for several years. In responding to his concerns, I was reminded about some of the unique emotional experiences many folks go in their recovery from relationships with manipulative personalities.
As I say in my book, dealing with a skilled manipulator is often like getting whiplash: you don’t know all that’s really happened until after the damage is done. That’s because the very nature of manipulation most often involves covert aggression (i.e. repeated efforts to exploit, abuse, overcome, control, or take advantage of others via subtle, underhanded, and hard to objectively detect ways). So, by the time you realize what’s really happening, you’ve already been placed at a disadvantage and most likely suffered considerably. But in addition to those unfortunate facts, often, when a person finally realizes the true nature of circumstances, they face a new set of emotionally traumatic realities: 1) the trauma of realizing that just about everything they once thought they understood about human nature, about what makes various personalities tick, and why people do some of the things they do, has been turned completely upside-down; 2) the trauma of feeling constantly invited to demean their own character because of the weakness and inadequacy they often ascribe to having allowed themselves to be duped; and 3) the trauma of a new and pervading sense of self-mistrust, especially with regard to their ability to form new, healthier relationships.
One of the main principles in my writings is that although we all possess character weaknesses that a manipulator is prone to exploit, and although it’s in our best interest to address those things to inoculate and empower ourselves in the future, the manipulator bears primary responsibility for the harm they perpetrated. And because manipulative personalities, like most disturbed characters, are best defined by their lack of conscience and neurotics are sometimes best defined by the oppressiveness of their well-developed conscience, it should come as no surprise that victims (who tend to be more neurotic than character-disturbed) of abusive and manipulative relationships are often tempted to beat themselves up after they realize what’s happened to them.
Rather than engage in such negative self appraisal, it’s important for survivors of toxic relationships to examine their own character vulnerabilities with genuine self-acceptance and love. The task of re-orienting our perspectives and coming to terms with our vulnerabilities in order to become more empowered is already an inherently arduous and painful task because of the brutal honesty it requires. But the pain can be unnecessarily compounded when we don’t approach that task with unwavering attitude of positive self-regard.
In a very real sense, no one is ever really “free” of an abusive or manipulative relationship until the lingering scars are healed. And medical experts will tell you that in order to heal physical whiplash, you must avoid doing things that might continue to inflame the affected tissues. Healing the emotional scars associated with a toxic relationship takes time and commitment. And those recovering must work hard not to re-inflame their wounds. That means avoiding the temptation to engage in self-reproach and learning to ascribe responsibility where it truly belongs, casting off erroneous notions and beliefs that predispose us to misjudge the character of those with whom we might have a relationship, and embracing the tools of personal empowerment that can not only help us solidify our own character but also deal much more effectively with those who would do us harm.
Thank you so much – this note has been a huge help. One of my biggest difficulties in ending my one year relationship with a manipulaor si that I feel like such a jerk for having fallen for the whole thing, even though there were signs RIGHT FROM THE START as to the nature of this person. I do need to be kind ot myself, and to honor my lack of judgement as it was based on a trust and vulnerability that is essential to a functioning relationship. The failure was not in ME but was simply a lack of conscious experience with these sorts of people.
I distinctly remember when I first read In Sheep’s Clothing. I had many of the feelings mentioned above, like how could I have been duped for so long? I did not get much sleep the first night because my head was so full of this new, validating information. Now, In Sheep’s Clothing and Character Disturbance are my manuals for dealing with manipulative behavior. I pulled them out just yesterday in order to remind myself of how to confront bad behavior.
Thanks so much for your comments, and for your endorsement of my work.
I would like to know more about healing wounds from a relationship with a manipulative parent and, if possible, continuing to relate to that parent.
Thanks for the question, Kathy. Because I can’t give direct advice specific to anyone’s particular situation, I have to confine myself to amplifying the principles I outline in my writings. The secret to continuing to relate to manipulators, or for that matter, any irresponsible or abusive character, is setting all the terms of engagement. This doesn’t have to be done with any malice or force, just firmly and resolutely.
Irresponsible characters want relationships on their terms because they either know no other way or want no other way. So, it’s up to the responsible character to set the rules, enforce the limits, and draw the boundaries. And rather than do it resentfully, this should be done with joy in the hope that not only will wounds heal in time, but with growing personal empowerment the chances become much greater that future relationships will also be healthier and one’s level of inner strength and happiness deepened.
Dr. Simon, I think this advice really spoke to my in my situation. I did set rules, firmly but calmly. As for doing it with joy, I decided to take the “fake it till you make it” approach. I told that person that I’m doing it in the hope that the relationship will be healthier and happier in the future. But I don’t actually have that hope, but I at least tried to represent it that way.
Love that “fake it ’til you make it” approach!
When I happened upon this article yesterday I too spent the night with the light bulb finally ON! I feel very confused however as to how to handle my situation since we have three children (2 biologically his) and he constantly uses them to weave his web of covert agression and I had played the victom role so well for 5 years and finally put my foot down and said “NO” firmly and now I am in a hell that he declares I made for myself. I get so shakey and scared to death when he is around. I am not able to shut off contact at all. I find myself getting pulled into his web and I do not even realize I am being pulled into his game until it is too late. I have your book on order at my library. Is there any hope for me and my nerves? I enjoyed your comment to karen above about being firm with joy…unfortunately the thing that I suffer from is being cold and having to be HARD as NAILS to get through any boundary that I set. He doesn’t listen and is wickedly able to get me to second guess any and every boundary that I set. I really honestly think I am in the twilight zone and I am embarrassed to say that I get sucked in STILL!! Thank you DEARLY for exposing this sickness/personality disorder and giving me a sense of sanity in the midst of my internal emotional chaos. I am still in the guilt stage because I wonder if maybe I might not have him pegged right and maybe I am mis-judging him. I pray I will be more enlightened when I get the book.
Thanks for your comments, Margaret. Although I can’t respond directly to anyone’s particular circumstances, after you’ve read the book, if there are still some questions you have about the principles and tools I advocate, I’ll be happy to amplify/expand/clarify, etc. in a response. Perhaps some of the other blog readers can chime in with helpful comments, also.
No doubt I’ve lived a very similar situation with children also involved for many years. My ability to forgive and forget incredibly nasty and even dangerous situations. Still I would be sucked in. I was convinced that he was the only one who would always be there for me, to take care of me. I finally broke the stranglehold (literally at times) he had on me. I refused to forgive him. Ever again. Forgiving him gave him a clean slate. I felt sorry for him, he couldn’t help himself.(he didn’t really want to) now I believe that to forgive someone means that they truly are regret/remorseful and what ever was the problem will never happen again… So I accept my ex. I accept that he can’t help himself. I accept he will always abuse me and my children if i choose to have him in my life.. No more…!! Im free..!! Now my life is my own. I don’t miss him anymore.
I was about to write something along exactly the same lines as Margaret. The words “firm with joy” also struck me. I can do that with others, but not with my ex. He has a way of manipulating situations that leave me having to be hard as nails as well. Then he uses that to his advantage to show others, even the children, how mean I am and how friendly he is.
For example, I told him that I didn’t want him in the house. He would front up and somehow put me in a position of having not just be firm but loud (or he wouldn’t hear me) or aggressive. Or I would say I didn’t want to talk, but he would keep talking and I would have to shut the door on his face, or cut him off mid-sentence in front of the kids or friends. He would then get a counselor to tell me that I needed to communicate maturely.
If you say “No” to anything you pay for it. He will ask again and again and if you keep saying no, he eventually backs off and makes a public note of how graciously he complies. Others would also take note of it and be impressed, not seeing the manipulation involved. It’s like a robber holding a knife to your throat, and when you ask him to take the knife away, he does it and says, “See? I’m nice – I did as you asked.”
Thanks for your comment. You echo the points I make in both my books about the aggressive personalities (covert and overt) with respect to the intensity with which they resist taking “no” for an answer. Still, because no one else can control their behavior, it’s important for those involved with these types to know how to firmly set and enforce limits and boundaries and to maintain firmness in the face of constant pressure to cave-in (while all the while being acutely aware of the risks).
I am seeking advice on my best friend’s spouse. For quite a time I put up with his snide remarks and the way he would try and demean me -and everyone else- in a covert way, or creat arguments. The book has been such a relief-and such a revelation!!! My trouble is that I am getting married next year and I really don’t want him there but have to invite him as my friend loves him and had no idea I feel this way. I feel sure he will find a way to demean or insult me on my wedding day- or tell my relatives things that will discredit me (he has done all this stuff before!) I just don’t want him ruining my day-what is the best way of dealing with him? I see little of him but will see him a few times before the wedding.
Both “In Sheeps’ Clothing” and “Character Disturbance” have been invaluable in learning to manage life in the midst of manipulative people. My mother trained me to be a neurotic in service to her covert narcissistic character. Of course, I married a character-disordered man. I raised 2 daughters believing that I was doing the right thing staying with this man while infusing character education in every possible method in my children. By the time I discovered Dr. Simon’s books, my daughters were in college, and it was too late to undue damage created in them by simply living in a household of a character-disturbed father manipulating a neurotic mother. My adult daughters have strong character and are phenomenal contributors to society as altruistic professionals. Unfortunately, they are with mates like their father–covert-aggressive narcissists. To make matters worth these males often unite to run an agenda that exploits myself and my daughters (like having us plan a vacation, do all of the preparation, cooking, cleanup, and work while they go off to play and critique us). One of my daughters became involved with a character so disturbed that he is now in jail. I am desperate to save my daughters from this hell. Dr. Simon, please consider a future book on when disturbed characters join forces to gang up on others or us their tactics in large groups. “Sharks in Suits” is my current reading material. Thank you for the most valuable insight and advice I have received in my life. I am planning my exit from my marriage, but the triangulated messes will continue.
Thanks so much for your comments, Rachel. And I’ll definitely make note of your request for material focusing on how to deal with situations in which disturbed characters join forces. My publisher is presently assembling new material from my work and I’ll pass the information along.
OMG! I’m in the exact same situation! I’m a registered nurse and have painfully watched my husband control, manipulate, physically and emotionally abuse my two daughters and I. I tried to divorce him several years ago, but he had messed with my daughter’s minds so terribly that I withdrew from the divorce trying to rethink my strategy before attempting divorce again. I’m in the middle of this divorce second time around and I fear I am slowly losing my home, my children and myself.
Dr. Simon, I wish you had a Facebook button on this page so I could post this wonderful article. You not only know what character disturbed people are like but also know how we targets/victims/unfortunate persons who have had our lives damaged by them feel and the struggles we ourselves have to endure to heal and grow.
Thanks for the comment, Claire. My publisher has actually fashioned a Facebook page but there have been problems with it which are in the process of being rectified. I’ll post a comment when the page is fully functional.
Thanks for the reply. Looking forward to seeing some of your wisdom on fb.
I’ve recently discovered that someone who was my best friend manipulated me and another good friend of mine. I’m currently still at the “Why did this happen to me?” and “How could I let this happen to me?” stage. I’m having a really rough time with all of this. And all I can do is blame myself. I feel like I have locked myself inside a box and threw away the key because I am so afraid to let anyone close to me again after what happened. I am also angry with myself for introducing this person,who was suppose to be my best friend, to other friends of mine. Along with anger, I feel betrayed, stupid, and embarrassed. When I came across this article it made me feel better knowing that this will go away in time. But my problem is that I don’t know how to do that exactly. Please, if you could tell me more information about how I can move on, I would be so appreciative.
Your experience is not uncommon, Renee. The main thing to remember is that even though manipulators use the goodwill, sincerity, sensitivity, and conscientiousness of others against them, those qualities are not the problem. So, instead of indicting your own character, merely resolve to become a better judge of the character of others. Remember, it’s the dominant models of psychology and other behavioral sciences that had us mis-perceiving the behavior and character of others for decades, so there’s plenty of blame to go around. And playing the blame game is a useless exercise. The anger is understandable. It’s nature’s way of telling us there’s something that needs to be changed. So channel it in an adaptive manner by applauding the new insights you’ve gained and regularly reinforcing yourself for using empowerment tools. Letting go of the negative “stuff” that really belongs to others, abandoning the emotional investment you put into them and re-directing it to yourself, and sincerely and regularly engaging in self-recognition and reinforcement for putting your new insights into action is THE way to move on!
Dr. Simon,
Your books and writings have helped me more than any other to deal with the whiplash from a past relationship with what I now know was a textbook covert aggressive. No one else has more clearly helped me understand his behavior for what it really was, and to understand myself for why I responded the way I did. And most importantly, why I must forgive myself.
This last reply of yours summarizes so nicely what I need to focus on at this moment of my recovery. I’ll be printing it out and rereading it often. Thanks so much for all you do!
You’re so welcome.
Dr. Simon – In Sheep’s Clothing was an eye-opening revelation for me. It captured the true essence of my husband’s character and identified my behavioral responses that make his tactics work so well. He comes across utterly charming and sincere in public although my instincts told me he was being deceptive, vague and dishonest when his actions were questioned. Like many others, I am dismayed to find myself in this position with 3 small children. I resent having to be continually on guard for tactics when home is supposed to be a safe haven. I find your words of self-empowerment encouraging and want to seek help to bolster my self image and my defenses. I also want to ensure that my children don’t follow the same behavior patterns. Are all therapists trained to deal with covert aggressive behavior patterns or do I need to find one that has specialized in that area?
Thanks for the comments and question, Mary. I get many questions related to the ability of therapists to deal with the issues. Both training and theoretical orientation for practice are important. Best to find someone with expertise not only in personality/character disturbance but also who subscribes to a cognitive-behavioral orientation.
What do you do when you see it happening to someone else? And when you try to tell them what’s going on, they don’t wanna believe you? Or they think it’s not that severe?
I’m struggling in my relationship seeing my partner’s 19 year old daughter manipulate the family. She is a covert-aggressive. She is exactly everything you have written. I’ve passed on a portion of your writings to my partner last year to show her what’s happening. Nothings been done to correct or rectify the situation. It continues to this day….
I’m once again, standing in the side-lines trying to get my point of view and opinion across to my partner regarding a certain situation but my partner is just seeing me as the bad guy. I’m really hurt. My heart aches. I don’t know what to do. Have a step beyond my boundaries?
Investing your time and emotional energy in areas where you haven’t the power to control is a recipe for anger, frustration, and eventually, depression. Trying to get someone else to “see” is just one of those exercises in powerlessness. Focus instead on what you have power over: your right to set reasonable expectations, limits, and boundaries, as well as your right to act assertively in your own best interest. If you wish to be energized and to stay happy, you have to be okay with letting the rest go.
Dr. Simon,
I am so indebted to you! “In Sheeps Clothing” was my awakening and validation. I am divorced 4 years from what I now clearly recognize as a covert-agressive. I have been so much happier since leaving him, yet his grip is still strong! I now realize he has been working his manipulation tactics on my 15yr. old daughter all this time as well and she is showing similar traits -lying, no remorse, no empathy. How can I save my daughter? I need advice.
Thanks for the comment, Christine. I edited it quite a bit because I wasn’t sure if you meant all the information to have the attention of the readers, even though you submitted the question on the blog as opposed to a direct contact to me. I’ll give some time for the readers weigh in on this, as some might have similar experiences to share. Then, I’ll weigh in myself.
I empathize with Christine, and grapple with similar issues. I think that most kids of such people are going to have their heads messed around with, whether they like it or not. The challenge for the aware parent, in this case, myself, is how to minimize that influence, in particular for those in close contact, even if we have divorced. I’m heartbroken that not just the 18 year old is affected, but the ten year old is too. It’s almost too late for the older one, but SURELY, with new awareness, I can help the younger one. Heck, isn’t that what a mother is supposed to do?
My strategy right now is to provide as much close connection so that the child knows he can trust me with his heart and emotions. Then I counter it by allowing him to see it himself if I give him the right education tools. I try not to weigh in to the arguments his father tries to have with me, through him. I free him from it by NOT weighing in, but by discussing principles such as the ones addressed on this website. When he knows I understand him, and don’t judge him for identifying with his father’s reality, he will feel free in my presence to explore the truth himself. He has no such freedom to have his own mind with his father.
Unfortunately, with the older one, it is too late. There is no trust, only contempt. In that case, I do have to shield myself and it’s no point reaching out when the intent of the other is not to bridge the gap, but to use and abuse. Hopefully, for you, Christine, 15 is not too late an age to reach.
Thank you so much for your understanding CH. Hopefully you’re right, but I think at this juncture I need a mediator for my daughter and I or a coach for myself. Her contempt for me is palpable. The trust is already not there and has to be rebuilt. I don’t know a way in. I’ve been hurt so many times when trying to be compassionate with her that I’ve restricted myself to playing the hard nosed disciplinarian. Dr. Simon I’m hoping you might further help here?
As you know, I’ve waited a bit to chime in on this discussion thread. And although it might not seem all that helpful at first, let me assure you that my comment is not only well thought out but quite time-tested.
Never underestimate the power of example. You have the ability to display to your children just what commitment to principle and integrity of character is all about. While they might not be accepting and internalizing, they are always observing. And if their own character development has been arrested, only time, effort, and exposure to correct modeling influences will turn things around. So the answer is simple but definitely not easy: Let go of what you can’t control anyway. Do your best to demonstrate the principles to which you’d like your children to adhere by your own actions. Enforce your limits and boundaries firmly. Give your approval conditionally. But show your affection and your willingness to remain open and available quite liberally. This is a most difficult task. But years of research has clearly shown that kids develop the kind of character we can be proud of only when they finally feel unconditionally loved but recognize that only certain modes of conduct – based on principle – will be condoned by those whose approval matters most to them. And they’re much more likely to eventually step up to the plate if they don’t find hypocrisy in the parent advocating those principles. So, take heart, keep the faith, and resolve yourself to show them what it’s all about!
Dr Simon, what resources do you recommend for parents? There is much more awareness and insight into abusive behaviors now, but it’s really hard finding a therapist who understands these dynamics in parenting, in particular a child who has been affected by a disordered parent. It’s the Number One issue affecting most of my friends who have left their toxic relationships. They grapple with the aftermath.
Any books for parents in the pipeline??
Great point about the aftermath, CH. The fear of it can also cause folks to stay in toxic relationships longer than they otherwise might.
Unfortunately, you are correct that resources are scanty. Some areas have savvy judges that specialize in the managment of juveniles under court supervision and also refer kids to programs they trust. Often, these programs are the only places with the staff, training, and know-how to address these issues effectively. When you’re lucky enough to have a teaching institution umbrella one of these programs, you’re even more likely to find a good resource.
It was a light-bulb moment for me when I realised why I felt so crap about myself and worse after a visit to my aging mother. My gut feeling has always been bad when interacting with her, I knew the relationship was toxic. I was blamed for being a horrible person, always causing problems. I even resorted to removing myself from the impending argument. I just paid when I got back.
I always believed I didn’t instigate the problems, and I didn’t. I was blamed though.
Childhood trouble at school was always brought up, just to twist the knife and have me being the bad child instead of the 57 year old!
It ends now! On the train home, fater a visit, again in tears, it came to me, MANIPULATION, BIGTIME!
I have been told not to contact my mother because I always cause problems when I visit. I told her it’s not what I wanted but I would respect her wishes.
How does a person continue a relationship in these circumstance? If I don’t contact her, I am the bad daughter. If I do, she wins. She wins, in her mind both ways.
I know I will have to set boundaries but the manipulation gets in the way. I also can make threats, and I know I will have to lay down rules if we are to stay in contact.
I can’t believe I have suffered this abuse all my life and didn’t see it. I knew the relationship was F**ked up but could not put a finger on it.
This has made me think I must be the bad person who did not deserve my normal children. I did PPP parenting classes to unlearn bad behaviours so I didn’t pass them on. It ends here!
I can’t thank you enough for doing what you do. You turned on my light bulb. Now to address the scars of whiplash… I hope its not too long of a road. I’m angry but in a healthy way.
Thank you. Comments like yours are the very reason I do what I do. Do your best to transform that anger into energized determination. And Happy Holidays!
Dr Simon, I have just finished reading (twice) both In Sheep’s Clothing and Character Disturbance…what an awakening!I am 58 yrs old, and I have spent 31 yrs with a covert aggressive husband..have left him twice (once for a year, then again for almost 3 yrs!)Somehow he always gets me back..using any and all of the varied techniques you have enumerated! (Covert intimidation by stalking me, seduction, shaming, impression management, you name it) I have spent countless hours in counseling, with and without him (with him was nothing except beyond frustrating)…and not until I read your explanation of healthy neurotics vs disordered character did I REALLY understand what has been going on all this time.
All things that have puzzled me now are quite clear..and I feel very devastated to finally have to admit that he does not love me, never loved me, and never will..it has all been about controlling me. Though if you were to hear the story he has tried to sell me and others in our family ..that he was obsessed with me from the time he first met me when i was 15 (he was 24 and engaged to a family friend at the time)..and was just waiting for me to “grow up” so we could be together…argh!! I have bought into that “seduction” forever.
I am an adopted only child raised by a very charming yet alcoholic, philandering father and a passive aggressive mother (great healthy combo there)and just naturally was a perfect foil for this man to manipulate and control, while letting me think that I was the one in control…really???
Fortunately we never had children together, though we each have 2 from previous marriages…he has no relationship with his children or family (which of course he tries to blame on me)
There is much more to this story..I could go on, in fact I could be a case study, I swear. I am determined to start 2012 with a new outlook and perhaps a new life yet again..but not going to try getting out of this relationship until I feel completely in control of MYSELF and 100% able to withstand his tactics…because he will begin employing them one by one as soon as he senses he is losing his grip on me. He is 66 yrs old, he’s not going to change. So I don’t hold out hope of a better future with him.
Thanks for your invaluable insights, they have truly saved me and hopefully will change my life!
I really appreciate your comments, and I share your hope for a better and more empowered life.
OH MY GOSH!!!! DR. SIMON!!! I have been dating a guy for almost 7 years, 6 of them engaged. He is a CLASSIC disturbed character. In my case a philanderer, is the “primary” problem. I “caught” him 3 yrs ago and just in the last week. He is travelling with work right now, not typically, so needless to say I am even more worried. I came across your writings, and will be buying your book, as soon as I am done with this comment!!! I have been so stressed, and now it is SO CLEAR TO ME!!! My approach is “all in” I am confronting him with this reality and sent him some of your writings to read for his flight home. If he doesn’t read them, we are done. If he doesn’t do what I want, we are done. I am also telling him my biggest weaknesses with him, so he doesn’t have THAT hanging over me either. I have not read much about people “challenging” the disturbed character. Your thoughts or anyone’s experiences?
Thanks for the comments. I’ll let the readers chime in first. Then, I might have a few words.
Dr. Simon, I am anxious to hear from your readers, I thought I would give an update. I confronted him, and, of course, he wants to read the books (which I know he will never do.) His brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia over the last couple of years, so I know this is hitting him at home. He never was mad…not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. He accepted my pain, and told him that he still has truly never opened his heart to me to make himself vulnerable, and if he doesn’t, I am gone. He still did his old manipulating tricks, but I called him on almost each one (it does get tiring!) At one point, I broke down (alone) and cried…FINALLY..then I went to him, and said I am not doing this anymore. (This whole time he was truly nice to me…just the manipulating wasn’t as mean, but he still did it you know.) The whole time I think about the man talking to his girlfriend on the way in to the psychologist’s office. I told him this is a learned behavior and he has a choice, if he wants to continue this. It was a tough and nice weekend. He best he has been to me, in a while. I know it is a matter of time, but I have a little time for more reality checks from you and your readers. The books are set to arrive Thursday. I am not a religious woman, but I thank God I found you! You know, of course, there is a part of me that hopes he has an epiphany and changes his ways.
Does your book cover that process, if there is such an animal?
Thanks for the comments. Character Disturbance addresses the essential elements of change and even provides some therapy vignettes. As for the empathy deficits, that is a feature of all of the most seriously disturbed personality sub-types I discuss. And an apparently biologically-based total incapacity for empathy is the defining characteristic of the most seriously disturbed sub-type. I think you might find the vignettes in Character Disturbance particularly illuminating and helpful.
As long as you haven’t moderated yet, I want to ask….do they typically live their lives outside of compassion. I RARELY see compassion, and if I do, it is actually disguised as something else… like in one case, he told me that when he wrote a note to an old girlfriend, about her mom dying, he actually said, he really was glad it wasn’t his own mom. That was bizarre to me…maybe a manipulation thing. There rarely seems to be no “depth” to his “positive” emotions.
I do not see these signs of the “serious” type with him..unless they are just capable of hiding in everyday life. As I type, I am having a better understanding of others in denial, and here I am denying! Do they just “crack” one day…but otherwise operate semi-normally in the world..is this possible? Never see it coming? He is being real nice right now, as genuine as HE can be…but not deep. He is very aware that I am watching his emotions, and consciously works on being nice. He is traveling right now, is he leading his other life too? Gosh, I can’t wait until Thursday, when the books come. I think I have read everything you have ever written on the internet! I am having a very difficult time walking away….
I am thankful for the letters in this thread regarding children. I struggle with trying to minimize the damage that my two children will have. Since they are teens and pulling away from me, I intentionally seek teachers, coaches and other “mentors” of strong character. We also have a court appointed referee who monitors the children for any signs of confusion and alienation of affection. I do think that is why our children could not be covertly or overtly targeted post divorce. All communication is by email ,which documetpnts manipulative events and acts of emotional sabotage are addressed immediately. I did know to set up strong boundaries.maven with all of this protection, I am seeing a very subtle and insidious disrespect for my role.
At the time you wrote this article I was living with a man best described as a sociopath. I managed to eventually leave and am finding the healing process long and arduous – the full horror of what really happened only became apparent when it was safe enough to see it (once I’d left) and felt like a cruel but sobering slap through the face. Time is passing and the real struggle is making peace with how I managed to look for a positive spin on what were predominantly insidious actions. It helps to know what I’m experiencing now is ‘normal’ – it gives me hope that I will eventually move past this and toward a more peaceful, gentle and joyful place. Thank you.
You’re most welcome. Make peace. Self-affirmation and continued self-empowerment will eventually do more than just heal. Hang in there.