Covert-Aggressive Personalities are the archetypal wolves in sheep’s clothing that I introduced in my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK]. These individuals are not openly aggressive in their interpersonal style. In fact, they do their best to keep their aggressive intentions and behaviors carefully masked. They can often appear quite charming and amiable, but underneath their civil façade they are just as ruthless as any other aggressive personality. They are devious, underhanded, and subtle in the ways they abuse and exploit others. They have usually amassed an arsenal of interpersonal maneuvers and tactics that have enabled them to effectively manipulate and control those in relationships with them. The tactics they use are effective because they simultaneously accomplish two objectives very effectively:
- The tactics conceal obvious aggressive intent. When the covert-aggressive is using the tactics, the other person has little objective reason to suspect that he is simply attempting to gain advantage over them.
- The tactics covert-aggressive personalities use effectively play on the sensitivity, conscientiousness, and other vulnerabilities of most persons — especially neurotic individuals — and therefore effectively quash any resistance another person might have to giving-in to the demands of the aggressor.
So, it’s this one-two punch of the tactics: never really seeing what’s coming, and being vulnerable to succumbing to them, that’s at the heart of why most people get manipulated by them.
A good example might be the case in which a wife confronts her husband about not spending as much time as she would like him to with the family. He might retort that he constantly feels as if unreasonable demands are being placed on him by her (casting himself as the “victim”), that he works hard to provide for his family but no one seems to appreciate it (casting himself as the suffering, under-valued servant), and that she never has anything good to say about him and is always complaining (using the techniques of shaming and guilt-tripping). Within moments, the woman’s good intention to correct a problem in family relationships is now framed as a heartless attack on an unappreciated devoted husband and father. If the wife buys into the tactics, she will be successfully manipulated. She won’t see the situation as one in which she is in a relationship with a person who puts his own desires and his career first and his family second. In fact, she might not view him as an aggressor at all and may even come to believe that she is the unjust attacker. She’ll probably relent and remain under her partner’s dominance and control.
Now, as you can see from the preceding example, aggressive personalities that use such tactics to bring potential adversaries to submission are anything but passive in their interpersonal relating style. Yet for years, many have erroneously applied the label “passive-aggressive” to such behaviors. I wrote about this in a post for an international blog for which I am on the faculty (see: “When Passive-Aggression isn’t Very Passive”). Furthermore, personalities such as the husband described in the example above are very different from the kind of personalities that are appropriately labeled passive-aggressive personalities. The eminent researcher Dr. Theodore Millon describes passive-aggressive personalities as having an “active-ambivalent” pattern of relating to others. That is, they are very ambivalent about whether to adhere primarily to a staunchly independent mode of conduct or to rely primarily on others to tend to their emotional needs. As a result, they engage in a continuous pattern of vacillation between the two extremes. Ask them where they want to go for dinner and they will tell you to decide. Pick a place and they will complain that they don’t really like it that well and don’t want to go there. Invite them to pick a place of their own liking and they will complain that they asked you to decide. Tell them of another preference and they will be lukewarm to your suggestion. It goes on and on. Therapists who treat passive-aggressive personalities know this kind of scenario well. Their client will pelt them with pleas for assistance. But when the therapist recommends a course of action, the client will come up with ten reasons why he or she can’t do what the therapist prescribes. When the therapist throws up his or her hands in exasperation, the client will wail and complain that nobody cares. It’s a horribly self-defeating vicious circle of ambivalence.
As you can see, covert-aggressive personalities are very different from passive-aggressive personalities, and, as I mentioned before, they are anything but passive. They are very actively aggressive personalities who know how to keep their aggressive agendas carefully cloaked. Dealing with them is like getting whiplash. You don’t know how badly you’ve been taken advantage of until long after the damage is done.
Hi –
Dr Simon’s book has changed my life. For 25 years my step-son has manipulated me, dragged me into “no way I can win” fights, belittled me, insulted me, and the list goes on. His father refuses to see what is going on, and is easily manipulated by this 43-yr old. To my chagrin, I’ve been left on my own. Our marriage was in big trouble until I stumbled across Dr Simon’s articles on the Internet.
On our last trip to visit family, I re-read the book to prep myself for dealing w/the s/s. I refused to comment on his belittling comments in response to something I said. I’d look at him, then continue talking to someone else. That way he knew that I heard him. In the past I’ve responded to his comments, then got sucked into a losing battle, which ususally ended in some sort of insult being thrown in my direction.
I wouldn’t talk more than idle chit-chat if we were stuck together. No reason to give him fuel to make my life miserable.
By really sitting back and watching, I noticed some things. His brother ignores a lot of what the aggressor says. If a challenge is put out by the aggressor, it was ignored by most people during this visit. I also noticed that s/s has no, if any, friends. Puts down his brother and his bother’s successful career. Likes to insult other people, esp behind their backs. During those comments, I just withheld any comments, again, a change in my behavior. Also noticed that s/s is extremely self-centered. Guess I knew is before, but during this visit it really hit home.
I want to thank Dr Simon for writing “In Sheep’s Clothing”. Basically it gave me the tools to recognize this personality disorder and how to change my own behavior in response to it.
I’m sure my s/s will step up his game in the future due to my new outlook, but I now feel confident that this destructive cycle can be better managed by me due to my better response to his baiting and manipulation.
I stumbled upon this website and some of your articles about aggressive personalities because I am one. While I agree with alot of your observations what I do not agree with is how this is all bad. Im painted in a completely negative light. Im not negative, well not that negative. Okay, not that negative all the time. I can be both covert and overt depending on what the situation calls for. Im highly adaptable, but you might see it as manipulative. I simply give people what they want, while getting what I want. I dont take advantage of anyone, outside the lines of relying on someone for something, as all human beings do. However, I do fit the profile of almost everything else you talked about in your blog. When I first meet people I can be very charming, funny, witty, charismatic, energized, relatable, and a very good listener as well as someone who can talk to anyone, anytime, about anything. Im a social butterfly. On the other hand I can turn into a all out Medusa on rampage if pushed to that point. Usually I can scare someone away with firm words, but if I have to yell, I can and will freak out one someone without leaving any line uncrossed. People generally like me. Im like a social magnet. At every place Ive worked, everyone has known who I was. I literally have a presence. People know me, have seen me, or have heard of me from one person or another. Im not trying to sound arrogant at all but its true. Granted, being female, tall, and having an out-of-the-ordinary personality might having something to do with that. That being said, I dont see anything wrong with an aggressive personality. I feel like mine only benefits me. It makes me multi-deminsional. I can be super nice and charming, and fun to be around, but if something isnt going my way, I either get it the way I want it nicely, or force it to happen. I feel like you’re stating that my personality is lethal or something. I feel like everyone else is entitled to behave according to the bullshit social standards but becuase I choose to be my own person im penalized? I dont like social constructs, gender rules, office politics, etc etc. The list does go on. I really hate all these things. To me they mean nothing. I refuse to be forced to hold my tongue when i believe something, I tend to have extreme opinions and I will defend them to the end, I will attack someone verbally until they back off, I dont think that because I have a vagina I should be treated a certain way or behave a certain way. I dont like how people behave at jobs because I think its all crap. No one means any of it. None of it is sincere. Its just being doing what they think they should be doing. I am “influential”. I have a naturally strong personality. I say what I want when I want to whom I want. Lets face it, people like people like me. Im a human magnet. I dont go to other people I let them come to me. People find me entertaining. Thats probably why I can keep it up. I can reason to the end of the world. Everything can be rationalized, analyzed, and reasoned so that my point comes out victorious. Im like an attorney, but I practice in everyday life. I am the facilitator and go between with all of my friends. I control what they all think of each other because none of them really are too close, most of them are only mutual because they have me in common. I call the ability to control other peoples perception of others “planting seeds”. This means I just tell them what they want to heard, and they will believe it becuase I “tell it like it is” so no one doubts anything I say. Once the seed is planted the person waters it, and voila, all of a sudden they think they came to the conclusion all on their own. I dont think im doing anything bad though. Im not “hurting” anyone. Im not taking away from anyone. Im just playing the social game that everyone else has to play and I usually win at it. Its not that difficult either. People give away almost everything about themselve. I can read body language, facial expression, lips, etc etc. Nothing gets past me. Nothing! Its like my brain categorizes everything I experience in my life and I usually regurgitate it in the form of little anecdotes that most people like to hear, which I guess gives them some sort of commonality between the two of us. When in all actuality there is nothing common between us. I call myself a collector of information. About people, things, events, etc. If I hear it, see it, smell it, taste it, Ill remember it. All of this comes in handy to get what I want. I know everything about everyone in my life, and none of them really know anything about me. I guess I never really noticed how much I behave like this but I do. I can turn everyone on someone at the drop of a hat. Once at work I got everyone to hate this girl simply becasue I didnt like her, was bored, and making fun of her gave me something to do. It started out with me making a joke about her, then someone else joined it, then someone else, and so on and so fourth, and by the end of it, I was no longer making the jokes. Everyone else was, I was simply around to hear it. I also call myself the information highway. I know everything about everything in my environment. How? Because I ask question, and alot of them. I want to know even the most minute information, just in case I guess, but it gives my brain somethign to do also. All of this together becomes my “ammunition” to manipulate, and get what I want. It works. I dont feel bad about it at all. I feel justified by my behavior. Im nice to most people. but if I decide I dont like someone Im not going to do the socially acceptable thing and put up with them. Id prefer they go away. If they go away, then for me problem solved, but because I am so social typically the person wont leave me alone and will continuously try to win me over and so i feel justified stamping them out. By stamping out I mean verbally assaulting them, putting them down, excluding them, harassing them, whatever it takes to get what I want. I also do this when someone challenges me. I dont mind being challenged but I think someone should have a plan of attack before opening their mouth, especially to me, and if they do so without thinking Ill stamp them out. Usually though I dont have to go that far. I have a quiet, intimidating demeanor, but can also light up a room. So like I said I can play it both way. I dont think I need to change. Nor do I feel bad about it. This is my personality. If other people are entitled to theres, then why cant I be to mine. I get what I want. Wheres the crime in that?
The question now becomes why I do it? I dont know. I do know that I am controlling to a certain extent. I like to control everything that pertains to me because I can only trust myself to make the best decision. My brain is in a state of constant need from stimulation. I dont get anything out of behaving good. Its boring. Mundane. And an huge turn off. Im in no way a people pleaser. So i feel like my behavior comes down to control. I have the ability to control nearly everything around me. If I cant control it then I will manipulate it until i get it my way. The saying “my way or the highway” should be tattooed on my somewhere. If for some reason I lose control then I completely withdraw from the situation. I will become reserved and shut everything and everyone else out. Why? Mostly because Im sad, but now that I think about it, its because it again is a manipualation tool. By turning into a hermit, I deny everyone all of the characteristics that they love about me. Im no longer funny, or engaging or entertaining or a wild child. I simply ostracize everyone in my life. More often than not I get what I want and Im right back to my own ways. So maybe I do have a lack of conscience? Only when it comes to people though. For instance, I dont feel bad about 9/11, I honestly wish people would stop talking about it. theyre all dead. the end. I dont sympathize with other people, and i am very critical of other people. I am not emotional, and I hate hate hate hate hate overly emotional people. I see that as a manipulation. You know, girl who got her feeling hurt so she turns on the water works? Yea, doesnt work with me. Ill get more defensive when this happens. I think the idea of believing in god is hilarious and I make fun of religious people. I always tell people that the can “go away” and by this I mean if they werent in my life I wouldnt be distraught over it. Oddly enough, I wouldnt. If anything Id be bored, in the in between stages of finding their replacement. I guess I dont identify with other people in the socially acceptable way. Im only 21 now, so maybe one day my fire will burn out, its doubtful but maybe.
Hi.
It seems that we both have so much in common, but so many differences within what we have in common. Have you ever looked at your behavior from a different perspective? As in, maybe someone views things the way you do. But, to conceive themselves, they must act amongst the “social norm” and manipulative, while really, they are manipulating you into thinking that you are manipulating them. That behavior is something along the lines of passive-aggressive. It seems you’ve became used to making often correct assumptions about people, and having the ability to ‘read’ them and manipulate them based on what you think you know. That’s a bad habit. It’s rather ignorant, actually. While yes, it is good to make logical deductions off of information you have extracted from the situation and past experience.. Don’t assume you’re better than someone. In fact, you are proof of that. Someone could easily conceive their behavior to manipulate someone else into thinking they are better than them, so they appear unsuspecting and naive. I do have more to say, but, that is only if you want to continue this. Comment back if you decide you want to further a conversation. I hope you consider this, as you sound like an interesting person.
Just a comment about the rampant misuse even by professionals of the term “passive-aggressive.” There is a post on this very topic. Passive-aggression is aggression through what you won’t do. It’s kind of like conducting a psychological “sit-in.” Not answering, giving the “silent treatment,” not so accidentally “forgetting” to do what you know somebody wants you to do, etc. Some forms of aggression are definitely “active” but still are indirectly, subtly, or covertly expressed, and covert-aggression is often used as a vehicle for manipulation.
I know that there are books, pamphlets, and and many other sources out there that differently or more broadly define passive-aggression, but it is nonetheless and incorrect use of the term.
Well, then thank you for correcting me Dr. Simon.
I undoubtedly would’ve kept misusing it.
Dr Simon, I have no idea why the previous poster, Rudolph, draws his conclusion that you are 1) manipulative, 2) ignorant, and 3) think you are better than anyone else. I don’t see where he gets that impression from.
A projection, maybe? His own post sounds like he thinks he is better than you. Or at least, expert enough to analyse your motives and invite you to discuss this so he can enlighten you.
Whatever the case, I like your response.
Thanks. I’m not sure the comment was directed toward me. I think it might have been in response to another comment submitter. In any case, I think the issues were clarified.
It was directed toward Geminis_rhule, not Dr. Simon.
Before I discovered Dr. Simon’s “In Sheep’s Clothing”, I could not explain to other people what I was experiencing in my relationship with a “friend”. Covert-aggressives are masterful at fooling the people around them. It is frightening to see them in action. As long as you aren’t in their way, you may never experience their aggression.
I think all but one of the descriptions fit my “friend”. I can’t tell you how relieved I was to find that I wasn’t completely crazy. Well, maybe I became crazy. I actually did have something like a nervous breakdown and had to resign from a position where I was constantly in contact with that person.
I first found out about covert aggression from this web article: http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing11.html. If you read this and recognize a person in your life, buy the book. In it, Dr. Simon teaches you how to respond to the covert-aggressive behavior. For instance, covert aggressives have to win every time. You might work out a win-win with them, but you will never get an outcome in which they lose and you win. Knowing even this one thing is a powerful tool when you have to negotiate with a covert-aggressive person.
I read your post and had to reply! I had the exact same thing happen to me today. I’ve been suffering at the hands of a “friend” myself and couldn’t understand how anyone could act such a way! I’ve just downloaded the book and plan to spend the evening reading it – knowing how to react will be so helpful as I always seem to just make things worse at the moment
what other books are there on this subject?
Thanks for the question, Jenny. My latest book, Character Disturbance, takes a more in-depth yet easily understood look at not only this personality type, but the vast spectrum of other problematic characters that are so common in our times. And while my books were the first to bring them to popular attention, there are also some recent books on psychopathic personalities that are well worth the read, including Dr. Hare’s book Without Conscience and Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door.
I was married for almost 10 years to a man that was both passive and covertly aggressive and 17 years older than me. I still feel guilty about standing up for myself at times and second guess myself when it comes to making decisions about what’s acceptable treatment from men. I will be divorced a year soon. He fought me for everything, including our home and 3 year-old son. I was a stay at home mom with no income and no way to fight him so I ended up giving him everything, including custody of our son. This infuriates me because he didn’t want this child in the first place. I also lost a second child before we divorced. I was forced at 5 months to deliver a stillborn when our first son was 8 months old. I have every other weekend visitation with my child and that’s it. My ex refuses me anything else. He will not answer my phone calls so I can speak to my son. I get no extra time with my child, no school pics, nothing. When I see my son, he cries to live with me and says he’s lonely. He spends all day in Kindergarten, then in after-school care til 5:30 every day. I can’t afford an attorney to fight him. The ones I have used in the past have either been paid off or just stupid. I actually represented myself once and did better. This man scares me. It’s like he has no soul. WE buried a child and now he keeps my only son away from me. It’s bad enough to lose one but now I feel like I’ve lost 2. Not to mention he told our now 5 year-old son he had a little brother who died. Is he capable of killing me? Is he capable of hurting my son to hurt me? Is this manipulation and punishment about control? What do I do? It’s very hard to get anyone to listen to you when you have no bruises from mental and emotional abuse. I left him because I thought it would be easier. His silent treatments have turned into dial tones. Is his issue with me or himself? If anyone is in danger, who do I go to?
I’m deeply sorry about your situation, and I too wonder, what it is that we as, unmanipulative, “good hearted-true people” can do about your exact situation, and others like it. I myself have a family (dad, and his parents) who have been nothing but convert-aggressive. Luckly able to find a person to “show me the light” of my family, but still struggling to free himself, and now us from his family of convert-aggressives. I guess the problem rests with us, because we love these people, we are not wanting to hurt anyone, or lose what little family we have. I don’t understand why it is, they feel they are doing nothing wrong, why they can’t just be fair. Maybey hold true to there word, more than saying what we wanna hear and letting us down all the time. These manipulators, bother me insanly beause of all the hurt i see them cause. AND NOT CARE. Honestly i don’t like believeing that they don’t care. that someone could not care, or seem to not care so much about anything that isn’t actually benefiting them in anyway. It’s rediculous! I feel this strongly about it for the simplicity of who they are trully. Like everyone trully they are beautiful people but they, choose to put themselves, first in any, and i mean any situation. The family member of the man before would be his sister. I have come up with no sane conclusion as to why they are the way they are, or why anything, like a daughter or your pets could come as the absolute last thing on a persons mind, when everything from simple, addicting pleasures, to blowing rent money on yourself, can somehow be justified. When the people living and helping that person, are people pleaser to the fullest. Nobody believes the things we might be able to prove or even just, maybe talk to someone who will listen and not go back to her. I have to stop and say for one thing I am glad that Samantha got out from under the direct fire, but what do you do in situations, where your the one that needs, deserves, the right the ability to be so deperate to “win” the fight.
And I wish to comment to Geminis Rhul. I find it hurtful, seeing as how I’m one you would manipulate, that you will stamp me out. I only wish that you would see we are not asking for you to back down, loose the fight or whatever you feel it is we wish. What we really want from you is simply the ability to see something or feel something from someone else’s point of view, and perhaps not be so self-absorbed. Instead of making yourself the highlight of the party, you could sit in the background a bit, thinking about maybe how nice she looks instead of making a joke about her skirt, and whether it’s too short, long, dark, light, tight, or loose. Maybe the person you’re making fun of is fighting to keep something important in her life, is in a poor money situation, or has a kid that gets all her spare money instead of herself. These are the insensitive things I have seen covert-aggressive people do, more than once. Your true problem is that in your eyes there is nothing wrong about what you’re doing, and you see yourself as always right, and it’s your world and everyone else just happens to live in it. This is where the convert-aggressives “in a nutshell” are very, very wrong.
I just purchased this book. I’m a trained theapist, a loving person, passionate about many things, and I a magnet for covert-aggressives. They LOVE me! Geez, I wish this book had been published when I was in grad school or maybe before I was born.
Seriously, I just had a fairly dramatic encounter with my partner. He managed to get me roped into house sitting for a friend of his. All the tactics you describe were employed. This is by no means the worst thing that has occurred but it was less of an emotional assault so I was able to see what was being manipulated. While I’m house sitting, I read your book. Avoiding answering questions directly, side stepping the issue and acting like he is doing me a favor are his favorite ploys. Just before the house sitting incident, he managed to get a group of people, who have known me for only a brief period of time, to tell me they all thought I was insecure.
With new objectivity, and the eye of a therapist, I have to say it is pretty amazing to watch. What I really like about your book is the fact that I have tools to change myself. In fact, that was exactly the approach I was describing to several friends a few months ago. I looked at PTSD and realized that to master trauma, one has to attack it from an entirely different angle. My friends thought I was crazy for exposing myself to this guy again. My objective is to never meet up with this type of person romantically again. I consider him a practice boyfriend for my new skills. It is impossible to form an intimate relationship with this type of person so I see this as a perfect platform for developing my new skill set.
My therapist has often commented that my strength and my weakness are that I am naive. BINGO! Thanks Dr. Simon for a wonderfully clear definition and approach to the covert aggressive person.
Thank you, Beth, for your endorsement of my work. Enjoy your journey to greater empowerment!
Thank you Dr. Simon for the books “In Sheep’s Clothing” and “Character Disturbance.” “The Sociopath Next Door” is good but your books give measures to deal with this personality type. I have had to deal directly with this insidious person who has manipulated others around him for over 8 years to do his dirty deeds and sits back and watches his handy-work in action without being help accountable. The instigator of almost every single incident, this person has accelerated & honed his controlling abilities to such a point and recently has even gone so far as to set-up an acquaintance to be arrested orchestrating a scenario with his cohorts when they made false accusations organized by him.
It’s truly exhausting when you don’t think the same way as someone like him (although it comes to him easily), and I really needed a positive, pragmatic strategy to deal with this unusually deceptive megalomania as it had disrupted my business and he is also beginning to pursue an official post in a local political arena which is very frightening. Thank you.
You’re most welcome. I’m glad you found the suggested ways to deal with this type positive and pragmatic. I’ll let some of the others comment before I weigh in some more with other tips.