Recently, I received the following inquiry from a blog reader that fairly well summarizes the kinds of issues many therapists face today when trying to help people with their life’s difficulties:
I don’t know what I should do. I’m in love with a married man. He has kids from both in and outside of his marriage. My mom can’t accept even the thought of him being with me. I do realize the problems we’d face as a couple, and do my best to control myself. He does, also, and both of us know that we don’t really have a future together because he’s made it clear he’ll never get a divorce and my parents won’t ever accept him as my life partner. Still, I really want him and I think we really love each other.
Please, tell me what I should do. I really need some advice!
My response to this woman is also illustrative of the shift in philosophy necessary these days to help people of immature, disturbed, or fractured character change:
Giving you direct advice in such a situation is fraught with both danger and impropriety. But it seems that you already have abundant insight. These are the things you clearly indicate that you already know:
The man is married.
He will never divorce.
He has fathered children within and outside of his marriage.
Your parents couldn’t possibly accept him.
You know that your relationship with him is fraught with “problems” and full of risk.
Your turmoil stems from the fact that despite knowing how foolish this involvement might be, you still really want this man.
So, it’s not really clear what your question is. The fact that you have feelings for this man is certainly not the issue. You can’t help your feelings. But whether you allow your feelings to completely overrun your better judgment is quite another matter. Mature, adult life is all about being guided in your actions by values and sound judgment as opposed to letting your urges and impulses run the show. No one can do your growing up for you and there’s danger in relying on someone else’s “advice” to guide your every step.
Best advice: Acknowledge your feelings and desires but don’t let them drive your decisions in life.
Back in the “good old days” of psychotherapy, counselors of one type or another would help individuals who were riddled with insecurities and fears gain “insight” about the underlying reasons for their unhappiness. These were the days in which “neurosis” was still the primary ailment therapists treated. But as I have written about many times, truly pathological levels of neurosis have all but disappeared from the landscape. Neurosis is still with us, of course, but most neurotics are highly functioning, responsible people. The bigger problem these days is the gross immaturity disturbance of character so many individuals possess. And instead of fears and insecurities being at the root of their problems, the real culprits are their distorted ways of thinking about things and the impulsive, undisciplined, and irresponsible ways they allow themselves to behave.
In the brand new revision of my first book In Sheep’s Clothing, I address many of these issues. And in my new book Character Disturbance, set for wide release June 30 from Parkhurst Brothers, I explore these issues in great depth as well as give helpful guidelines about how to deal with such issues professionally as well as interpersonally.
