A while back, I was asked a question that dramatically illustrates why some people get hooked into troubling relationships. Because there is so much educational value to the letter, I’m reproducing an edited (and slightly altered) version of it here:
I was with my ex for almost 5 years. We broke up about 4 months ago. I am finding it really hard to move and on, and I keep churning over in my mind everything about our relationship.
I actually think we had a great first year together. He had some commitment issues, but I think he worked thorugh them a bit. After 2 years together, he steadily became violent and very angry and unpredictable at times. The relationship wasn’t seriously violent, but every 2-3 months there might be grabbing, pushing, squeezing me around my neck, and throwing things at me. This kind of thing was always followed by apologies and I kept forgiving and trying to move on.
My ex is always a great person to his friends, who all see him as carefree and usually the life and soul of the party. But I experienced the brunt of his anger, usually after a night out, but just about anytime. He was verbally abusive, too and it was horrible to endure his torments at the time but then it would pass.
We tried couples counseling for a year and a half. He discovered he had some issues, especially because he always blamed me for things. He worked on his commitment issues and then gave me a ring about 2 years ago. But he found it hard to follow through on any of the agreements we made in counseling. And when I would bring things to his attention, he would accuse me of being too critical and blame me for everything.
Eventually, we broke up. I didn’t want to, but I knew the violence wasn’t improving, even with counseling, and he also stopped apologizing for it. So, I accepted that we couldn’t be together.
Since the breakup, I have had a terrible and heart broken few months. But he immediately started a new sexual relationship with a friend that lasted for a couple months and a week after that ditched her and started dating yet another woman.
I now wonder if all the violence was my fault. He kept telling me it was. I wonder if he is likely to be violent in other relationships or if it was just something about me that cause the problem. I can’t believe how fast he moved on a has is into another sexual relationship only a month after breaking up with me. I Just don’t understand any of it.
I think there were real strengths in our relationship and once he said he loved me for most of it. I really think the relationship was okay except when he was angry and violent.
I don’t understand. Did he really love me? Why would he not be as heartbroken as me when things ended and how could he show such disrespect for our long relationship (we even owned a home together) by moving on to others so quickly?
When I wrote my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing, I was careful to revise it twice to emphasize the prime reason people of decent character or who may be “neurotic” to some degree simply “don’t get it” with respect to individuals who have marked deficiencies of character. And in my new book, Character Disturbance, I go to great lengths to highlight the many and significant differences between most folks and people of disturbed character. The main reason neurotics not only enter but also become trapped in abusive relationships is because they fail to recognize that disturbed characters are fundamentally different from most folks on multiple, significant dimensions of interpersonal functioning. People get trapped because traditional psychology frameworks have reinforced their own notions that everyone – especially down deep – must be fundamentally alike. Unfortunately, such thinking is often a recipe for disaster and unhappiness.
I responded to the person who inquired in the following fashion:
You already seem to have a good deal of insight about some things, but something appears in the way of you accepting the most important things about your former situation. You seem to know that this man had “commitment” issues, that he blamed others (especially you) for his bad behavior, and that he even failed to honor pledges he made in therapy. What you don’t seem to want to accept is that not all people share the same values, see things the same way, or have the same willingness to discipline themselves and conform their behavior to accepted standards. Unlike your average “neurotic” individual who tries to do right and always seeks to “understand,” disturbed characters do as they please, hurt others, and adamantly refuse to blame themselves for their unprincipled or unruly conduct.
Rather than wonder some of the things you ask, the much bigger questions for you to answer are twofold: what keeps you from recognizing that some people are very different from you and have deeply flawed characters; and what is it about yourself that so willingly questions yourself and has a hard time letting go even when someone has proven themselves to lack the character to be a worthy partner in a relationship?
The questions above are the kinds of things a “neurotic” person might work with a counselor or therapist to answer. But it’s also important that the counselor or therapist understands character disturbance and knows how to assist a person to become less neurotic and more empowered in their interpersonal relations.
I have these same issues to some extent. As a child, I was taught to believe people didn’t really mean the things they said while angry. They were “just” mad. As an adult, I have realized many comments made in anger are how the person really feels and it took the anger to bring the comments to the surface. I have problems with self-esteem. I don’t know how to respond to someone when they are abusive.
My husband of 22 years has always been manipulative (every trick in the book).
I’ve been waiting for your book ‘Character Disturbance’ to be released. Amazon.com is out of stock and B&N have a release date in December 2010? On there any other places I can buy your book from.
If not – do you plan to blog a little about the methods a therapist can employ to successfully “rehabilitate” a manipulative person? Or how a layperson can bring about change when on the receiving end of manipulative behavior. Having read just about all the ‘abuse’ literature out there which says that people who are abusive to their partners NEVER CHANGE I am fascinated to see what techniques YOU have employed that have brought about a change.
I also have a point of confusion because I have read that over 50% of males are chronically manipulative/abusive with their partners. Yet you claim that these people are character disordered. But how can it be a ‘disorder’ if this behavior represents ‘the majority”?
Great question about the “disorder” issue. American psychiatry’s official diagnostic scheme has unfortunately led to the misconception that every “disorder” is necessarily a condition cause by factors (e.g., genetics, biochemical imbalances, mood disturbances, etc.) that is outside of the ability of the individual to control. However, although there are some disorders which by their very nature limit an individual’s capacity to reason and exercised good judgment, many “disorders” merely describe behavior patterns, all of which the individual can control to a greater or lesser degree.
I too have been married to someone like this for 25 years. He has not typically been angry or ever physically violent, but has used every tactic in the book as a matter of routine in order to get what he wants from me. He has had an unusually long period of unemployment, I think because he refuses to be told what to do by someone on a regular basis, yet because of his cunning skill with the tactics you outline, I have felt sorry for HIM!! Now that I am so emotionally depleted, it is hard to find the energy to leave. Are you saying that there is no hope for rehabilitation? At times he is a joy to be around, yet my children and I are the only relationships he hasn’t cut out of his life. He has high, high standards for anyone to be allowed into the inner sanctum. I hate the thought that he would be all alone and never have someone to push him to improve himself.
I have read your book In Sheep’s Clothing twice now. I have been married nearly 4 years to a man that I love very dearly but displays definite characteristics of being covert-aggressive. He is extremely manipulative and I’ve always walked away from our arguments wondering why I apologized to him when I did nothing wrong! Not anymore. I feel very emotionally invested in this relationship and from a religious standpoint, I don’t believe in divorce unless there is infidelity or abuse. While he has never been physically abusive, I have definitely felt psychologically mistreated. I plan on employing some of the techniques you’ve outline in your book. What I am kind of wondering at this point is how to set limits and boundaries for an adult. He is 36, runs our finances (despite my hesitations) and is completely habitual and resistant to change. What are some ways that are appropriate for me to make changes but not place myself in the position of being his mother?
Setting limits and enforcing boundaries is the same for both children and adults but it is definitely not the same as mothering, especially if you detach yourself from the notion that what you’re doing by setting boundaries and limits is at heart an exercise in controlling the other person’s behavior or parenting them. The purpose of setting reasonable expectations, enforcing limits on what you’ll tolerate, and taking action to safeguard boundaries is to improve the quality of YOUR life and to be more empowered in your relationships. It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you. Bottom line: the how is simple: just as you would for anyone. The why: for your welfare.
I am a Christian too and believe that God supports divorce for abuse because it is a break of the covenant. The Jews at the time of Jesus were well aware of the Mosaic law that allowed divorce for abuse and remarry. It was a compassionate out that God gave His people to protect women from being imprisoned and held captive in abusive marriages.
And I’m sorry, but to be psychologically mistreated is to be abused. That’s not to say you can’t try to set limits or boundaries. But while you engage with him, you expose yourself to inevitable harm. I tried that – it didn’t work; he simply used every opportunity of engagement to exercise control over me. Fences are great with reasonable neighbors – they stop the people and animals from coming into my property. But if someone insists on using a tractor to bulldoze my fence, then it is time to move neighborhoods.
Very well said, whoever you are!
The realisation that ‘understanding’ is over-rated has been the biggest breakthrough for me in dealing with my parter’s ex-wife. I’ve tied myself up in knots trying to get to a point of feeling compassion for a woman who has no hesitation in using her children in her desire to punish my partner. For 3 years I’ve agonised over the whys and the wherefores to the point where at New Year, after a particularly unpleasant barrage of abuse, I felt exhausted and debilitated. I was so grateful to pick up your book ‘In Sheeps Clothing’ and realise that the only thing I have any power over is to protect myself from this poisonous person.
Long-term insight-oriented therapy has been enormously helpful for me but not appropriate for dealing with this woman. It felt brutal at first to say ‘This is how she is: she knows what she’s doing, and she’s doing it to get what she wants and she doesn’t care who gets damaged in the process’ but I’m getting the hang of it and the relief is tremendous. My only regret is that I’ve spent so much energy in trying to support my partner to find ways to feel ‘empathy’ for her!
Many thanks Dr Simon and great blogs too.
I’m glad you found some of the principles I’ve written about empowering for yourself and your situation. And, with regard to the “insight” issue, as I’ve said many times in workshops and seminars one of the main things that distinguishes character-disturbed folks from neurotics is that: “They (character=disturbed folks) already ‘see,’ (i.e. know what they’re doing) they just ‘disagree’ (with principles of conduct they’re quite aware of an know we’d like them to adopt). Only when they stop making excuses, blaming others, etc. and change their behavior, can we have some degree of confidence that the terms of engagement have changed.
Thank you for your reply. I just finished your new book and was interested in the last chapter about the breakdown of society and how to address the issues of lack of social responsibility etc. In the UK we have a new government who are trying to implement something they call ‘The Big Society’.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1356730/Big-Society-mission-vows-David-Cameron-Tories-sniping-lead-balloon-policy.html
What chances of success I wonder?
Catherine,
As I mention in the new book, great societies are built on the backs of people of good character. Even the best chef in the world can’t make a good marinara sauce out of rotten tomatoes. You can’t impose greatness on a society from the top down. And neurotics, whether they’re in government or not, are always trying to do to much and inadvertently “enable” the lessening of responsibility on those who need to step up to the plate.
So, chance of success?: Nil if the government follows the typical course of well-intentioned but misguided programs and legislation or even further burdening the already responsible among their ranks. Better, if there’s a real effort to hold the irresponsible accountable.
Reading your work has been so helpful for me. I was in a situation so much like the above many years ago with a guy that I would describe as sadist-aggressive. I could see and feel how much he actually enjoyed watching me in a tail-spin. I wasted a lot of time (years!) asking ‘is it him or is it me?’ He would accuse me of things that I was sure he was doing. His favourite expression was ‘self-fulfilling prophesy’ — my anticipation that he would be hurtful would set up a ‘self-fulfilling prophesy’ that would lead him to be hurtful. I’d get all flipped around and would try to go back in my mind to what happened as if pouring over a complex map — did I really start it? I thought I had a legitimate complaint, but was it really me who is to blame? Maybe… I can’t tell anymore. Maybe it’s because I’m hurting him…’
I’m currently dealing with a boss who is trying to push me out of my job and I realize that I’m a lot stronger now than I was then. My boss known for doing this and so I have many allies. To my surprise, I notice that I’m learning to stop flipping the blame onto myself when it isn’t appropriate. She tried accusing me of being too focused on myself because I’m concerned about my job security. “All you think about is you and how you bought a house.” “No, my concern about my job security is legitimate.” “You are a loner, and… I’m not saying that you don’t have any friends, but you have poor inter-personal skills.” “No, how I live my life outside of work is not relevant. We can talk about how I deal with people in the workplace.” “I feel bullied by you. I’m not involving you in work tasks because I’m afraid of you.” “I’m sorry you feel that way. I feel I’ve been coming to your office regularly seeking work and feedback.” Finally she had to pretend to cry.
It took some work not to take it personally (especially the loner comment), but it feels very strong to have resisted the temptation to let it get flipped back on me. Your writings are giving me added strength to deal with the next round.
Thanks for your comments, May.
“what is it about yourself that so willingly questions yourself and has a hard time letting go even when someone has proven themselves to lack the character to be a worthy partner in a relationship?”
If someone is neurotic, what helps them to become less so?
The two main culprits in fostering neurosis are an overly active and repressive conscience and inordinate insecurity and anxiety that begets a sort of emotional dependency. The remedy for these is a more balanced perspective and increased self-assuredness, which can only come from facing one’s fears with the will to overcome them. Simple, really. Just not easy!
I think I do understand “inordinate insecurity and anxiety” and I’m at least partially aware of my unhealthy “emotional dependency”, but would you clarify “repressive conscience”?
I found myself smiling when I read your response, and thought of John Candy’s character in Only the Lonely as he imagined dire things that might happen to his mother as a result of his choices. In my case, those kind of imaginations apply to my kids, and how I have failed them or how I might further cause damage. My current mantra in trying to end denial and process choices is ‘first do no harm’.
I hope somewhere out there, there are some neurotics laughing with me and not at me.
If it’s a matter of finding the will to face the fears… how?
My husband will at certain short times acknowledge wrong behaviors, express remorse, commit to change, but he usually rethinks it, later tells me he’s done a lot of thinking, points out something I struggle with, where I fail/wrong him, and rather quickly, I really question… well… everything.
I’ve been reading what you write for awhile now. How do I get it from where my head understands it to a deeper place of sinking in?
A man stops a cab driver in New York and asks: “How do I get to Carnegie Hall?” The driver’s response: “Practice, practice, practice!” It’s the same with self-assertion. You keep doing it, regardless of how many times the doubts arise.
I have just discovered this web-site today and am so grateful. I could not understand why the person I am in my husband’s eyes is not me at all. He seems stuck in the past when I lost my temper and he put up a wall of protection which ensured an emotional distance. He thinks in the extreme, blames me for everything, denounced me to his web groups and because I want a clutter free house, to him I’m OCD! He’s always helping others but is unwilling to look at himself. He even rationalizes his behavior with Scripture. I don’t get it. What’s going on?
Great question, Marilyn! I wish there were a simple answer, especially because it’s impossible to judge anyone’s particular circumstances so remotely. Suffice it to say, however, than there’s simply no better “cover” in the world for the desire to wield power and control than scripture or apparent religious conviction. Some people mask their desire to be in the dominant position by claiming that what they’re doing is merely acceding to the will of the Lord. That’s one reason I titled my first book about covertly aggressive people In Sheep’s Clothing. Perhaps the many article on the site about the nature of covert aggression and the characteristics of such personalities will help with your understanding of this issue.
Thanks for the question. The behavior you describe actually is covered in the first book, and an example can be found in Chapter 7. Threats of various kinds can indeed be manipulation tactics, but some threats, especially those of harm to self or others must always be taken seriously. A person hell-bent on winning as well as avoiding the burden of responsibility is capable of all sorts of drastic action. While it’s proven impossible to keep a roster of therapists, best to find someone who has proven experience in the area of personality/character disturbance. Monitoring is a non-option when it comes to a legal adult. Best to concentrate on setting limits and boundaries, especially limits on the types of behaviors you’re willing to support.